"I am a little boy! I am a little boy"
That's what I keep saying to the ones who say you are a grown up boy,
I still remember when I was six,
They would say I was too young for the roller coaster
Or the new game that had just released,
I would say that I am a grown up boy.
See how fast time flies and how fast the statements change...
I want to go back to the time when I said that I was a grown up boy.
I don't want the luxuries of being big,
But want the warmth and the pamperings of my childhood days,
I know that past can't be brought back but I will still yearn for the past as the memories are the only thing that soothe in the Cruel , Grown up world.....
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Canary word: Present
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128,872 Literary Works • 671,499 Reviews
Ah, I get it.
Hey, Will here, for a short review of your poem.
You know, I really see where you're coming from with this. I really liked the way you expressed your emotions in the poem itself. And the ending was very good. It was like a summary of the entirety of the poem in three lines.
One aspect you could add to this poem would be money. You could add the fact that the MC's parent's can't afford much, so they have to say these things to their child to stop them from going onto rides or buying things. It would be quite hard to add that sort of thing, but you can always try!
Instead of a comma, like Cairo suggested, add another exclaimation mark to the end of the sentence.
Un-capitalise the 'You.'
Remove the space before 'Or' and remove the apostrophe between the two words.
Change it from a comma to a full stop. If you want, you can even add a paragraph break between this line and the next.
You should change the comma here to a full stop as well.
Now, in your last line, you capitalise 'CRUEL' and 'GROWN UP.' Instead of this, I would find it much more effective if you, instead of full caps, just bold the two words. If you did handwrite this, then don't worry about doing anything. The effect will still be the same to the reader.
Overall - I loved the poem. But there are a few things you could work on.
Grammar - full stops instead of commas.
Layout - paragraph/stanza breaks
If you ever want something reviewed, just ask me like you did with this one!
-willa
Thank you very much for the review will:-)
'Willa'
Hey there SINGHEM,
First of all, i like the idea in which your
poem is trying to convey to reciters. Yep! Have to admit, i do miss the
no-stress days of childhood. This poem relates to me and my emotions
and definitely to other adults and grown ups.
I also like the exclamations in the first stanzas.
It grabs reciters attention and starts off with a mood.
'See how fast time flies and how fast statement change'
'I don't want the luxuries of being big'
These were the highlights of the poem (as for me).
Love those lines, they just add spice to the overall poem.
Comments:
1. Hate to admit that it sounded more like a short story to me.
You could have limited the use to articles and made each line simpler
and short enough to be read. It was quite a mouthful. Avoid the unnecessary
and improvise to keep it short and simple.
2. Also group the lines to make the structure and layout of the poem striking to readers.
You might lose the chance of them reading it when it is lengthy and bad appearance.
But, overall you got yourself a good piece of art up there mate.
It was pleasing to the ears (though the appearance was not)
Keep right stuff like this piece of pie
Cheers!
Hey there Singham! First off, good poem, I like the theme that you've gone with here. Certainly relateable - don't we all want to be a little boy or girl again haha.
I do have some nitpicks here which I hope you don't take too harshly. I think you need to work a little bit on structure of poetry and finding flow. This doesn't mean you need to conform to any particular format - feel free to find your own style! It's just that this doesn't read with the kind of rhythm you'd expect from a poem. A lot of that comes from specifically placed punctuation, separation of lines and stanzas, and length of lines. You want to use these things to make the poem read in a smooth way in the reader's mind. Your problem is mostly that your lines have such a great variation in length and syllables between them (that last line!) that it doesn't read smoothly. So, I would work on keeping your line lengths fairly similar. If it helps, you can read your poem out loud to yourself. That's always one of the best ways to find out how a poem will sound to someone else.
" I am a little boy" - would recommend a comma at the end of this line (before the quotations of course)
That's what I keep saying to the ones who say You are a grown up boy, - would recommend a comma after "say," and to make "You" lower case.
Or'the new game that had just released, - what is that rogue apostrophe doing there haha.
The last three lines I want to focus on because they bring out an important theme, and I think you should really work it into the poem better. I love the idea of the narrator realizing how cruel and hard the adult world is. Because, let's face it, it can be VERY hard. But you directly state this idea instead of letting it develop. I would suggest giving us a greater transition and some more details to work this idea better into the rest of the story.
Anyway, this was a good read, and I do think you have quite a bit of potential. You just need to work a bit on the gross structural parts of poetry, and then find your own voice!
Cheers.
-Cairo