I went to wash my hands in the sink
Sunk in my own sea'of thoughts,
Thinking about the day ahead worried about the plans unfulfilled,
Just then I saw a tiny black,thin ant being washed away in the sink with of the water of my washed'hands.
I tried with my hands to save the tiny creature of the Dark agony In the sink ahead
With my hands but the creature being small and thin slipped out of my hands.
And it went into the DARK,UNKNOWN,Sink ahead,
Then In me came the sad realization'and the SINKING FEELING that I was the cause of the ant's suffering ahead!
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140,094 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
Hi! The theme of this poem is nice, and funny too. But I'm afraid that the poem you've wrote.....isn't exactly a poem. For one, some lines a re too long and some too short. This gives a mismatched sense and doesn't make the work look impressive. No offence meant. I just suggest that you break down the lines into shorter phrases.
Keep it up!
Mysticalxx
Hello, Singham~!
I'm BlackCat, and I'm here to review your work <3
First of all, let me tell you just how much I liked the idea you had. It's obvious you have a creative mind.
Alas. Before we get to spilling as your great ideas on paper, let's fix some grammatical errors you made.
What I've observed are some misplaced apostrophes, randomly capitalized words and a few other not-so-grammatical errors. No biggie, we'll fix those right up.
Firstly, an apostrophe is used in shortening certain words: we are= we're, we have=we've etc...
So take care to use those in their proper purpose to improve your writing, alright?
In addition to that -hey, this is just my opinion- try not to insert capital words that much in the middle of a sentence. This might be your way of emphasizing the feeling, but to me, it appears a bit random and unsettling.
Also, remember your commas!!!
"With my hands but the creature being small and thin slipped out of my hands."= With my hands, but the creature, being small and thin, slipped out of my hands. AND remember to insert a space after your commas!
Now for the non grammatical, fluidity part.
Try not to insert so many adjectives in a sentence all at once.
"Just then I saw a tiny black,thin ant being washed away in the sink."
While this sentence gave me a good image of our poor ant, it wasn't exactly fluid, or fun to read, because it feels too full. Here, two adjectives might have been enough, or something along these lines;
Just then, I saw a jet black and surprisingly skinny little ant" Here, there is a flow.
In conclusion, with a little grammatical study, I think you could write great, great things! I really liked this poem, it made me think about all the ants I drowned after working in the garden. Nice to see stuff from their perspective hehe~
You take care!
~Blackie
Hey Singham! It's Artemis here to review your work!
First off, why is there an apostrophe here? There's not much reason for it to be there, unless you typoed or something. Just replace it with a space.
"Sunk in my own sea'of thoughts..."
This line is also a bit confusing. I think it should be like, "Thinking about the day ahead and worrying about the plans unfulfilled..." You know, just to make it flow more.
"Thinking about the day ahead worried about the plans unfulfilled..."
A problem with the commas. There should be a space after the first one and no apostrophe after "washed".
"Just then I saw a tiny black,thin ant being washed away in the sink with of the water of my washed'hands."
"Dark" should not be capitalized and "in" shouldn't be, either.
"I tried with my hands to save the tiny creature of the Dark agony In the sink ahead..."
There shouldn't be a comma after dark or unknown. And it wasn't really necessary to capitalize them either, but it's your choice. Sink isn't supposed to be capitalized.
"And it went into the DARK,UNKNOWN,Sink ahead..."
"In" should not be capitalized and there shouldn't be any apostrophe after realization. Also the words "sinking feeling" don't have to be capitalized.
"Then In me came the sad realization'and the SINKING FEELING that I was the cause of the ant's suffering ahead!"
Overall, some capitalization problems and also commas and apostrophes, but this was great! I think that how you cut off each line is a little bit choppy, and it will do you good to add some more words onto the previous line and then go to the next. It was really humorous, though. Being an all-bug hater I can't relate to this, but the feeling when you just get someone or something else into a bad situation is just terrible. Good job and keep writing!
-Artemis28