Removed

Hi Rosey Unicorn,

Rosey Unicorn wrote:Somebody’s gotta die,
Take your pick.
Could be you, could be your lover,
Could be your father, mother or brother.

Why somebody has to die has never really been explained, and it had better be elaborated upon later on or this poem has already failed on one front.

Which one will be missed,
That is the question.
It’s certainly more than a simple suggestion.
Think about it.

"Somebody's gotta die, take your pick", just by how it sounds, automatically seems more than a simple suggestion. You don't need to clarify. And why must you only miss one? Why not all equally? Maybe that will be answered later on, but I doubt it...

Your lover would miss you,
That goes without saying.
Vise versa would also be true.
Or is it?

Why not?

Your brother is perfect.
You hated him for it.
But now you’ve gotten close.
Are you still full of remorse?

Why would you be?

Your parents are great
They love you to bits.
But think about your last kiss.
Do you love them?

Why...not?

You’re tied to each.
Without a doubt,
You’re everybody’s little peach.
But is it just a façade?

Why would it be?

Somebody’s gotta die,
Take your pick.

This is just tacky. There's no reason to repeat the first line in this instance, considering that nothing new has been added - clarification, yes, but no actually new energy to the phrase. "Take your pick" is delivered with the same emotion, in the reader's mind, as it was in the first stanza. Delete this stanza.

There was no imagery present throughout the poem. None. All that was present were old, outdated and overused metaphors/cliches that served only to illustrate that this piece was written in haste and without any real thought. Let me point them out:

- the repetition of "Could be"
- "Think about it"
- "That goes without saying"
- "Vice Versa"
- "They love you to bits"
- "Everybody's little peach"

That's quite a lot, especially for a poem only 6-7 short paragraphs long. Comb through it again and remove every cliche.

The message was vague and confusing. Somebody's gotta die? Why does somebody have to die? Who's talking to you? What's the point? It seemed as if you were attempting to sound ominous or cold/calculating, and in doing so, forgot that there actually has to be some sort of content. Normally, the reader could overlook lack of content if there was rich imagery and a fluent picture, but there was none of that either.

In general: words splattered on a sheet of paper and left to dry do not a poem make. Scrap this catastrophe and try again, this time with some elements of poetry. Something to actually draw the reader in as opposed to make him wonder why he left the room with a rant that made no sense and sounded not at all aesthetic (or purposefully not so). So delete this and start over, fresh.

Hope that helped,
Galerius

Rosey Unicorn wrote:Somebody’s gotta die,
Take your pick.

The way you phrased this dosen't seem to really have much punch. Maybe you can try to add more before this. (i.e. You won't get away from this.) Something to that extent.

Rosey Unicorn wrote:Could be you, could be your lover,
Could be your father, mother or brother.

It could be you, your lover. It could be your father, mother or brother.

Rosey Unicorn wrote:It’s certainly more than a simple suggestion.
Think about it.

Suggestion? I don't think a suggestion was given . . .

Rosey Unicorn wrote:Or is it?

Huh? This is confusing. If two people love eachother, I'm sure they like one another . . .

Are you still full of remorse?

Rosey Unicorn wrote:You’re tied to each.

Hmmm...tied seems a little well, not very specific. Maybe you could say, "you're close to each," or something of that effect.


Okay, I really enjoyed this poem. I thought it was well-ritten, and I could picture it clearly in my head. The one thing I suggest is that you can go a little more into detail about all the negative things about each person that the MC is contemplating.