.

Hi Rosey...and I guess Conrad. A fantasy done by both of ya'll combined? Epicness all around, darlings.

But it would only take a few days to heal. Her cuts usually did.

Grr...I hate that last sentence there. It's just so annoying to me. It's just saying, Her cuts usually did. Her cuts usually did what? It's very very very confusing line to me.

Even if the sea air was said to be magic.

This line was randomly put in here and it is confusing. Like, there has been no mention of her living by the sea until this line, which confuses the reader.

The girls watched her come, occasionally chatting among themselves for a moment or two, as girls are prone to do.

That bolded part is annoying me there, because there is no point in it and it ruins the sentence. At least, for me. I think it would be best without that.


M'kay, and now, moving on...


Characters Thalassa is a pretty good character here, but I feel like the four mystery girls could have been more...mysterious? They just seemed rather plain and like regular girls. I see how you tried to make them seem plain, but you did it a bit too much.

Also, we weren't shown much about her little sister. Just that she is a pest to Thalassa's life. I bet she is a pretty important character to all this, because she is the reason why Thalassa's life has become like this. Expanding more on her sister would be really great, I think.


Co-Auth comments I can tell that this was a co-auth because there were some awkward spots in there. What you also need to do is to not only put in your own writing styles, but you also still want to make it smooth. No awkward bumps.

Just watch out for those, because sometimes, they can ruin a story.

Actual story idea This is a great idea. I love it. Are you going to keep writing though, or are you just going to keep it like this? It has a lot of potential and I think it would be really good if you wrote a next part for this, instead of leaving it by itself.


Great job, darlings.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or comments.

*Lin

Rosey!
I'm finally reviewing one of your stories. Sadly, I don't think I reviewed any of your previous ones.

First off: Thalassa. How on earth do you say that? It seems pretty, but I just don't know how to say it.

If it hadn’t come upon that holly ground, it would not come on a whim brought about by a sibling rivalry.

I believe this should say holy.

One of the girls chuckled. “We called you over here. We ask the questions first.”
“My name is Thalassa.”

I kind of thought this was a bit random. Like, "Rejection." "I'm Thalassa." It doesn't seem to fit... Maybe try:
One of the girls chuckled. “We called you over here. We ask the questions first.”
"Oh," Thalassa said quietly."Well, I'm Thalassa. Do you have names?"

I don't know, that's pretty rough, but...

“She’ll do.”

I liked this ending! It kept me wondering and wanting more. Good job!

Over all:

I liked this! The beach seemed like a beautiful scenery. I personally love empty beaches. They're so relaxing. *sigh* As far as the characters go, I didn't pick anything negative up.

Good job! PM me if there's more!

Quite interesting, but there are a few parts that draw my attention away from the story:

The child had just spoken yet another word somewhere between human speech and noise.

You said "The child has just spoken yet another word", then contradict your self:"somewhere between human speech and noise." It should have been something like "The child had just made another sound like a mix of human speech and noise" I know that sound lame, but the original ticking me off. If the baby is able to speak a word, then that cannot be something"between human speech and noise."

But an eldest daughter who was overlooked by even the most humble boys in the village was not favoured by her parents.

For this is just my personal opinion, you don't have to pay attention if you don't want to change the sentence. I think it should have been: "But as an eldest daughter, she was not favored by her parent. Even the most humble boys in the village overlooked her"

If only she had a skill, some trait that would make her desirable, maybe her parents would pay attention to her

Another opinion of mine. I feel it would convey stronger emotion to the reader if it is like this: "If only she had a unique skills, or some special trait, she would have more attention from her parents,and be more desirable in their eyes."

What ladies were supposed to do when there was nothing to cover the sand.

This supposed to ends with a question mark.

A sound that did not seem to belong in this place sounded above the waves.

The repeating of the word "sound" annoy me(sorry for being harsh), try: "A sound that did not seem to belong in this place rose above the waves."

Thats about all I can see for now, apart from what I metioned above, I think you have done a great job starting a good story. Let me guess: about mermaids, perhaps?