.

Looks like I have a lot of refinement to do.

Thanks everybody. I sort of knew that those points were nagging, but it's hard to tell with your own work.

Since I'm starting to get stuck (not even 40 pages in) I'll put editing at the top my priorities list.

I'll post the edited version of chapter 1 up when the refinement is finished. Whenever that will be.

Thanks again!

Hey there Rosey Unicorn.

The cheer was soon being echoed throughout the grand hall.

Kerani of Shira cringed at the mention of her marriage.

He had never seen a single girl, the oldest not more then thirteen at the time (Kerani herself had been eleven), just chosen the portrait that he had liked the best.

They acknowledged her with an impatient wave and continued talking.

Even the sun glistening off the jewels in the walls didn’t brighten her mood.

She hadn’t even seen the Crown Prince. Nor had she seen his brother or the emperor. She knew their names, of course, everybody in Kemmer knew that Kerani of Shira was marrying Deven of Tijal, but other then that she knew hardly anything. Emperor Akmal had chosen her over a dozen other Rajput’s daughters. He had never seen a single girl, the oldest not more then thirteen at the time (Kerani herself had been eleven), just chosen the portrait that he had liked the best. Of course, position at Court had something to do with it. Her older brother, Hasin, was one of the best on the King’s Counsel even though he was only twenty-three. In the four years he had been gone, he’d been taken into the Emperor’s most private meetings and circles. He had told her as much as he could about Prince Deven and his younger brother, Natum, in his letters, but he’d always been to busy to talk to either of them much outside of Counsel. His wife, Sadhana, had barely had any contact with them at all. All she could say about them was they were good horsemen, Deven making quick progress in Counsel debates and Natum was on his way to becoming a top mage.

The thought repeated in her mind for the hundred-thousandth time.

The promised critique.

Nit-Picks

but he’d always been too busy to talk to either of them much outside of Counsel.

And he[s]r[/s] should be able to provide well, being one of the best with the palace horses.”

I loved it! It was fantastic. Of course I did get a wee bit confused with all those names but I didn't have difficulties pronouncing them. I have quite a vivid imagination, so I conjured up my own picture of the market and castle. It's great to know what Kerani thinks of her upcoming marrage. It has so gotta suck for girls with arranged marrages like that. Ugh. And ya, though this has been pointed out a couple times already I'll say it anyways. Aloud/allowed. Sorry. And those wee little grammar mistakes that everyone makes. It just takes time to edit everything. Well, good luck and I can't wait to read more about Kerani's unforunete marrage lol.

Yeah, for the aloud/allowed thing, Nate has already dinged me on that. I have Never been good with homonymes.

Ajia will show up again in book 2. She doesn't have much of a personality, since she's only been around the past two re-works, counting this one. I'll have to think about her more.

One of her cousins (I have yet to decide which one, but it'll probably be Meena) will show up later in the story.

I was worried that the number of names was confusing. I'll have to find some way to cut those without loosing the info. Could it be she has so many cousins that she doesn't remember all their names?

No, she's not allowed in the market. I'll have to find a way to put that in (somehow!). Noble women and girls are kept under guard/in the palace, but Kerani has found her ways to escape.

Hmm. The mother-in-law point is something that needs a little history I guess. In this culture, since the daughters go live with their husbands and their husbands usually still live with their mothers, having a mother-in-law can be a complete and total drag since many of them are witches (in the evil-woman sense). More re-working. Fun.

Whops, I should have deleted the "for."

Description and subtlety have never been my strong points. I will have to work on that.

It is an open-air market, and it's cool-ish weather. I have a map drawn, and Hurime is in the north.

I have been working on certain characters for three years. Kerani has undergone the most changes, and right now she's loosely based on Elizabeth I.

The reason the names are all hard to pronounce is that, yes, the culture is based off India. If I change the names I loose that.

I have Word! I just have a learning problem that makes it hard for me to spell some stuff.

Since I have two more reviews, I think I'll proofread part 2 and get that up tomorrow. I might get a little hypocritical later on because this is draft 1.

Hello, Rosey! Here as you wished

At first I want to say that this was an interesting start of what I expect to be an interesting story. It's very unique, at least for me, to place a story in India. I don't know why, but I just have a feeling.

Let's get started, then! I'm quoting the whole story, so I don't have to confuse you with too many little quote boxes. My comments, corrections etc. are on bold.

“A toast to Lady Kerani’s upcoming marriage with the Prince!” The cheer was soon echoed (do you mean "was echoing)? throughout the grand hall. Kerani of Shira cringed at the mention of her marriage. Sitting with a group of her eligible cousins, she was glad nobody noticed. Well started chapter, I think.


“I hear the Rajput of Teragot is looking for a bride for his eldest.” That was Chandra, her first cousin. Daughter of her mother’s brother (That was confusing, haha) she was aloud to (it's spelled "allowed") have the Shira title, even if her family didn’t rule the province. “With Kerani being chosen by the emperor and Teragot looking to gain royal favour, it would only make sense to take the purest Shira they can.”


Ranya, a cousin on her father’s side, laughed. “Teragot? A possibility for you? Ha! They are looking for taste as well as rank. Even a Qulin could make it, if they’re related to a Shira. A Qulin like myself, for example…”


“I might get the Rajput of Mara’s son…” Meena, another Shira cousincomma said shrewdly. “He’s looking for one with royal connections and beauty.” Her cousins gasped, butKerani simply rolled her eyes. Didn’t they have anything else to think about?

(There were so many names and families mentioned in this part that I got a little confused.)


She stood up, leaving her meal half-finished. Even though all the food (no need for "all") was her favouritecomma she wasn’t hungry. “I think I’m going to retire to my room, since I have to get up so early tomorrow. Good luck in your marriage contracts.” They acknowledged her with an impatient wave and continued talking. Kerani quickly told a servant where she was going and headed down the corridors to her room. Even the sunset glistening off the jewels in the walls didn’t brighten her mood. Didn’t her cousins realize they were pawns to gain political favour? She closed the door to her room and leaned against it.


She hadn’t even seen the Crown Prince. Nor had she seen his brother or the emperor. She knew their names, of course. (a little awkward – add "but nothing more" or something after the "of course") Everybody in Kemmer knew that Kerani of Shira was marrying Deven of Tijal. And that Emperor Akmal had chosen her over a dozen other Rajput’s daughters. He had never seen a single girl, the oldest not more the ("than" instead of "the") thirteen at the time (she (confusing, switch it to "Kerani herself") had been eleven), just chosen the portrait that he had liked the best. Of course, position at Court had something to do with it. Her older brother, Hasin, was one of the best on the King’s Counsel even though he was only twenty-three. In the four years he had been gonecomma he’d been taken into the Emperor’s most privet you mean "private"meetings and circles. He had told her as much as he could about Prince Deven and his younger brother, Natum, in his letters, as well as court life, but he’d always been to busy to talk to either of them much outside of Counsel. His wife, Sadhana, had barely had any contact with them at all. All she could say about them was they were good horsemen, and they were making quick progress in Counsel debates.

This paragraph was a little confusing as well, you might want to replace a few "he"s and "she"s with the names.


At least she wouldn’t have a mother-in-law. The thought repeated in her mind for the hundred-thousandth time. (Could you consider saying, for example, "She reminded herself for the hundred-thousanth time how lucky she was"? I take that she is glad not to have a mother-in-law.) Akmal’s Empress had died over ten years ago. Since then he hadn’t shown any interest in re-marrying. Kerani chuckled bitterly. At least he didn’t want her for himself.

She took off her sari and put it in a trunk. Her things had been packed that afternoon. Stealthily she dug through her trunks until she found her oldest saris. Unfolding themcomma she took out her key to freedom. The simple breeches, skirt, tunic and headscarf had aloud you mean allowedher to move freely in the market for since she was ten. (For since she was ten? I don't understand. Explain it a little.) Over five years latercomma they still served her well. One of her father’s weavers, she didn’t dare trust her mother’s, (replace the commas with dashes) made a new set for her whenever she needed it. The plain cotton with ruby trim made her look like any servant girl in the Shira household.


Everything Shira was marked with ruby in one way or another. (I got confused again in the "everything Shira" part. Maybe it should be "Everything of the Shira family"?) Every noble bloodline had a colour. Even younger sons were aloud (allowed) to take a colour similar to their brother’s. Shira’s was ruby, Tijal’s sapphire blue. Kerani knew most of the colours, but they had slipped her mind. (The last sentence is redundant.)


Dressed in her servant’s outfit, her breeches hidden under her floor-length skirt, a purse and a dagger hidden between the two for safety she looked in the mirror. Her pale skin, a common trait in the north, was offset by her dark brown hair. She pulled the scarf over her head to cover the red tinge in her hair. The red tinge was almost exclusively a Shira trait and would give her away instantly. She was glad she didn’t have a nose button like her female relatives. It too would give her away as a noble.


She checked again that her braid was well hidden under her scarf before opening a secret panel in her room. It was near impossible to find the door, even though the jewel inlay went right over it.


Outside the palace walls the air was cool. Wind blew down from the mountains, bringing with it the scent of ice and herbs. Out of everything in Hurime, she would miss the mountains the most.


She quickly made her way to the market, keeping an eye out for people hiding in the shadows. She knew all too well how predators hid in the shadows. Deftlycomma she wove her way through the crowds leaving the market. She didn’t need to buy anything, but living outside the palace walls had become a habit for her. Trapped in a noble’s life, she had always valued escaping. Again, replace some "she"s with "Kerani", to avoid repetition.)

This made me think of Jasmine in the movie Aladdin!

She saw one of her friends from her daily visits. She waved before trotting over. “Ajia! Getting the last of the shopping done as usual. How are things?”


Ajia put a package down between her feet. “As good as it can be, Chahna. My Lady is getting her new wardrobe ready for winter. She insists on getting a new wardrobe every season like the Empress used to do, Phoenix rest her soul. I was just getting the cloth the tailors need.”


Kerani didn’t flinch at the mention of her second name. It had become as natural as her birth one. “I know the feeling. Lady Kerani’s wardrobe has just been redone for court fashion.”


Ajia shifted a roll of cloth under her arm. “That must have been torture!”


Kerani chuckled. “For her or me? Don’t bother answering. Yes, it was. She hadn’t gone riding that day either, so she was especially fidgety.”


Ajia winced. “A fidgety fifteen year old? Ouch. Is she still—tense about her marriage?”


Kerani flinched. That was the one thing she couldn’t hide her reaction to. “Yes. I don’t blame her. She’s never met him or been to Shenora. She’s never even left the province!”


Ajia rolled her eyes. “Nobles. They think they’re doing their girls a favour by keeping them at home. Has she even seen him?”


Kerani shook her head. “Not so much as a portrait. I keep telling her that he probably hasn’t seen the portrait of her either, but it doesn’t help.”


Ajia shook her head. “At least she’s aloud (allowed) out of the palace. I’ve heard some girls aren’t that lucky.”


Kerani kept her shoulders from dropping. If only she were aloud (allowed)out of the palace more often. “Yes, I’ve heard that too. Poor things aren’t aloud (allowed!) to feel the wind should it ‘chafe their delicate skin.’ Ugh! As if all the girls are put "were" instead) delicate!”


Ajia snorted. “If they’re cooped up like that, they would be!” She shook her head and changed the subject. “D’you have some time free? I still need to go to the smiths. The workmen need more raw gold to make the new jewellery. I know how much you like that aria of the market.”


Kerani smiled and took the offered package. “You know me all too well. Let’s go!” Together they made their way to the quarter of the market that sold metals and gems. She idly looked at the prices while Ajia haggled. Gold had gone up again. It seemed the local vein was beginning to dry up. The same could be said about copper, iron and silver. Steel was still the most expensive, twice the price of bronze and still over the price of gold. She turned to look at the jewel shop next door. The stones for sale were also expensive but stunning. Hurime gems tended to be the finest. Merchants came from all over Kemmer to buy them. It also meant that the prices could be unnaturally high. She sighed at the sight of a topaz pendent. The yellow would go so well with her finest sari… but she was only aloud (allowed) to wear rubies in public. Soon it would be only sapphires and maybe some dark blue topazes. If she ever had any power as Empress, she would get rid of the law that allowed (there it is, finally!) upper-class nobles to only wear their bloodline’s colour! She didn’t wear jewels when she played servant; she didn’t want to attract attention.


The haggling done they made their way back to Ajia’s residence. It was only a few blocks away that Ajia started talking again.


“Are you leaving tomorrow with Lady Kerani?”


Kerani nodded sadly. “Yes. It’ll be better then working for her mother or some other noble, but this is my home just as much as it’s hers.”


Silence followed until they reached the servant’s door. “I guess this is goodbye.” Ajia sounded close to tears. She put her packages down and clasped Kerani’s shoulder. “Give Lady Kerani my regards, if you’ve told her about me. And tell her that the Prince really is wonderful. I’ve heard nothing but good about him from my brother when he comes to visit. He might even let you stay after they’re married.” Ajia hugged her fiercely, her voice becoming even more strained. “Phoenix bless, Chahna.”


Kerani returned the hug. “Phoenix bless, Ajia.” Had Ajia been a noble she would have offered to write. As it was, servants didn’t learn to read. She pulled away, tears in her eyes. “Good luck in your marriage to Nehru.” She couldn’t believe she had just remembered her friend’s marriage. She had even put on her belt purse for that reason.


Ajia wiped her eyes. “I think he’ll be good to me. And her should be able to provide well, being one of the best with the palace horses.”


“Listen, I told Lady Kerani about your marriage and she wanted to give you something.” Kerani reached into her belt purse and pulled out a ruby pendant. She took Ajia’s hand and placed the stone inside (replace with "on it", wrapping her friend’s fingers around it(replace with "the gem". “She also wishes you luck.”

I like it. The names aren't that bad, though. At least for me.

Can't wait for more. Yeah, it seems like you rushed through this. Why don't you get Microsoft Word? It'll help with the grammar and spelling (those homophones...). You use "aloud" instead of "allowed." Also, the same goes for "to" and "too." Since I got through with that.

The names are nice, and not too hard for those who've been around, and have tried a lot, weird names. Works a lot. But can you help make an envirement a bit? For some reason, I get a desert, middle east look in my mind. Is the place hot? How are the buildings? Are those open markets? Yeah, everything has space for improvement.

There are errors in grammar here and there. They're not that big of errors, so I'll let someone else get a chance to review and get them.

Overall, pretty good. Grammar here and there, but nothing too bad.

Hmm, very interesting. I think that the made up/hard to pronounce names and titles are a little overwhelming if you introduce them all in the first couple paragraphs. It didn't really make me want to read more, because you're trying to process all of these characters, places, etc, while trying to figure out what's happening in the plot. That's the only thing that I would change, because the story as a whole is excellent.