.

Hey, Rosey!

I really enjoyed this piece.

*cracks knuckles* Now we review!

a gray pearl

Kerani tuned out her magic

Green vines grew on the sides of houses, new shoots were springing up in gardens, the wind carried the scent of roses, jasmine and lavender.

He was right, she did hate to see the land like this.

The Emperor knew how to make an trip have a worthwhile ending.

And a note to all future critiquers- Feel free to be harsh.
Ooo... I should have fun with this!

~~~~~~~~~~~[/color]

Chapter 1

Kerani, of Shira, watched the dry, desolate land go by through a gold mesh screen, a silk canopy above her head, the world rocking slightly from the gate of her elephant. Up ahead her half-sister and stepmother occupied another elephant; behind was a train of their possessions. Kerani thanked them for the dust caked on her skin and the grit in her hair. Her half-sister Ranya for being chosen as the Crown Prince’s bride, her stepmother for making Kerani come along to “protect” the bride-to-be. It didn’t matter that Ranya was fourteen, only a year younger then Kerani. It didn’t matter that once they were inside the palace, Ranya would be guarded all day, every day. No, she still needed her mother and her sister to keep her “safe.”

Ok wow interesting opening. The first sentence is very long. You might want to consider shortening it like: Kerani, of Shira, watched the dry, desolate land go by though a gold mesh screen. With a silk canopy about her head, the world rocked slightly from the gate of her elephant. And you third sentence the one that stars with 'Her half-sister Ranya for' I don't think it is a sentence. It's kind of a continuation of the previous sentence. I say this you have no verb. You say 'making' but you didn't use it as a verb in this case but as a describing word because you are explaining why you are thanking the stepmother. I added some commas where needed...

A gust of wind blew more dirt in her face. Curse this drought! Kerani coughed, praying they'd reach Shenora today. The capital of Kemmer didn’t move, had places to take baths and, it was supposed to be green-- unlike the rest of the country. I don't believe you need to capitalize the 'u' in unlike because you aren't starting a new sentence.

She tried to rub grit out of her eyes. Only the Phoenix knew why they had to make this trip now. Autumn wind was constantly blowing, kicking up dust storms that turned villages into ghost towns. Good description

Kerani shook her head when she realized what had just gone through her mind. The Phoenix was the goddess of the day and dry season. If anything, Lung should be on her mind. They needed the god of the rain and night more than ever. She knew from her brother, Hasin, that the farmable land was shrinking and the food stores were starting to exhaust themselves. Kemmer was just too big, and the drought was severe. 'They needed the god of the rain and night more than ever.' Do you mean 'god of rain' not 'god of the rain' If you mean 'god of the rain' you need 'the' in front of night as well.

A thrill of joy went down her nerves. Ranya’s. Something was exciting her half-sister to the point of near hysteria. The way you have 'Ranya's' by itself after you said her sounds awkward. It was a good risk, but I suggest sticking with 'A thrill of joy went down Ranya's nerves.' It's easier for the reader to understand. Wait... I'm confused was it Ranya's nerves or Kerani's. If it was Ranya's you just switched views if it's Kerani's you shouldn't even have Ranya's in there.

Kerani glanced out of her silken cage. Tital Bay was visible in the east. Normally she would have groaned at anything her half-sister found exciting, but there was something about the waves rippling across the water that was oddly hypnotic. She sighed. Tital Bay was beautiful, but it wasn’t the mountains of Hurime. Kerani hoped she’d be able to go back home— and soon.

Ranya's squeal cut through the silence. Kerani sighed and looked ahead, taking her eyes away from the water. The palace was now in sight, a gray pearl on the highest point of Wing Plateau.

The dome was the first thing she saw. It crowned the place like a fat teardrop. The only other thing she could see from a far (or instead of 'a' before far write 'away' after far) was the outer wall. A tower marked each corner, each (try not to use 'each' twice in the same sentence) topped by the same dome as the palace. A dark blotch along one wall showed where the gate was. She’d heard that the courtyards of the palace were so big that markets were held inside for the nobles.

Kerani tuned out her magic as excitement grew around her. They were going through the city now, and people were starting to gather. Every single one of them wanted to catch a glimpse of the splendour the Imperial Bride was arriving in, even if they couldn’t see her through the screen. Kerani relaxed in the shadow of her half-sister. Nobody was cheering for her, and she didn’t mind. After hearing Ranya fret for almost a year, Kerani was glad she wasn’t getting married. I would italize 'she' not 'wasn't' cause when people read if they are really into the story they will emphazize 'she' not 'wasn't'

On a whim she looked outside. Green vines grew on the sides of houses, new shoots were springing up in gardens, the wind carried the scent of roses, jasmine and lavender. Kerani had heard Shenora received the normal three months of rain that summer, despite the drought. She hadn’t believed it until now. When you say 'Green vines grew on' I think you want to say is 'had grown' because so far you are in the past tense and by saying 'grew' you switch to present tense. I think, but I'll look into it to make sure. Plus since you are describing things seprately even though you have commas before you last comma you need 'and' otherwise I don't think it's a proper sentence.

The cheering was soon drowned out by a loud groan. The gates of the palace were opening. Kerani knew Ranya was quivering with excitement. Kerani had to admit she was too. The two-week trip was finally drawing to a close.

It was several minutes before they reached the gates. A bar of shadow marked the difference between the outside world and the palace world. They passed by servants waiting to take their possessions down shadowed hallways. Another gate was on the other side of the courtyard. It was in much better condition then the outer one; the doors were freshly stained, the hinges polished mirror-bright.

Another bar of shadow, another change. This time from the servant’s world to the noble’s. The walls and floor were marble; shade-structures had been built on two sides of the courtyard. Kerani noticed a man standing under one of them as her elephant knelt. She dismounted slowly, unsure who it was. She tuned into her magic and detected a faint trace of familiarity, but she couldn’t place it. Ranya placed it for her. Connect your first two sentences, REWRITE: Another bar of shadow, another change, but this time from the servant's world to the noble's.

“Hasin!” Her half-sister ran to him and jumped into his arms. Kerani watched with a twinge of jealousy. Hasin was her brother. She was the one who was supposed to jump into his arms, not her half-sister. She watched her stepmother fawn over him like he was her son. Ranya was still hanging onto his neck. Hasin was the top Counsel member at only twenty-two. He headed almost every project related to the drought. Most of them were his ideas. Kerani was the only one there related to him by blood, and now she was the one left out of this ‘family’ gathering. Is part of this Kerani's thoughts if so you should put them in quotes followed by 'thought Kerani' or put them in italics.

“Kerani!” Hasin called, “Don’t you want to see me?”

She smiled and ran over. He hadn’t forgotten her after all. Before she could say anything he let go of Ranya and hugged her. Kerani wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his shoulder. Phoenix, she had missed him. Is saying Phoenix like saying God? Just curious...

“Cat,” he whispered, using her old nickname, “I have to talk to you.”

Ranya interrupted before Kerani could respond. “Aren’t you supposed to take us to our rooms?”

Hasin sighed and let her go. “You’re very right. Lady Ranya, Lady Vyoma, Lady Kerani,” he used her full title just to irk her, she could tell by the twinkle in his eyes. “If you will follow me?”

Lady Vyoma crossed her arms. “You’re just as bad as Kerani. I keep telling you two, call me Mother.” My only wish here is that if you had called the stepmother Lady Vyoma earlier since as the story goes on to continue to refer to her as Lady Vyoma not stepmother

Hasin bowed. “Whatever you say, Lady Mother.”

Lady Vyoma shook her head and followed him down the hall. Kerani ran her tongue over her teeth. Had she said that her stepmother would have reacted very differently. Her brother had no idea how lucky he was. She didn’t bother to tell him. He wouldn’t understand. You lost me. Your third sentence isn't a sentence. You don't have a verb and you leave me hanging so I have no idea what you are talking about. What wouldn't the brother understand?

It was a short walk to Lady Vyoma’s rooms. Ranya’s rooms were just down the hall. They were carved with the Phoenix.

“Hasin,” Ranya gasped, “You don’t mean— I get the Empress’s rooms now? I’m not even the Princess yet!”

Hasin nodded. “That you do, sister. And just in case you need anything, Kerani’s rooms are across the hall, and if you want to see me personally, send a message.”

Ranya nodded and disappeared into her new suite. Kerani sensed the ripples of sheer wonder from her half-sister.

“You’ve done it now,” Kerani grumbled, “She’s already acting like a princess. Now you’ve got her in the Empress’s suite!”

Hasin unlocked the door across the hall. “Don’t look at me! The Emperor decreed she have those rooms. And consider yourself lucky you’re across the hall. You almost got adjoining rooms.”

She shuddered. “A-adjoining rooms? And who—or what— prevented that?”

He smiled. “Me.” I already love Hasin I hope he is in the story more!

Kerani rolled her eyes. “Of course,” she followed him into her rooms, “What did you want to talk to me about?”

He closed the door. “How much can you do with your magic now?” A little more description of what he was doing before he began to speak would make the story better

She sat on a nearby chair. “Enough,” she narrowed her eyes, “Why do you ask?”

“Would it be possible for you to sense how the earth is doing around Shenora? The crops are starting to fail even here. Maybe if we knew what fields were best for what plants—”

“Absolutely not,” she snapped, “I refuse to be a simple tool to further your carrier.”

He ran his fingers through his hair. “You haven’t changed, I see. Listen, this isn’t for me. Kemmer needs this. The people need this. If you could help with crop rotation, we might be able to last another year. The drought’s only gone on for four— no the drought has lasted longer then that. All we need is one— maybe two more years. The palace mages are useless for this stuff, and since you’ve been able to sense things so well…” he trailed off, waiting for her response.

Kerani shook her head. “What then? If others find out I can sense people and emotions I’ll never have peace. Everybody will want me to sit as a shadow in debates, just so they can know what the other person feels. That’s cheating! If you know a person’s weakness like that, you can do who knows what. I won’t go there. You of all people should know that.”

He sighed. “I do know that. I just hoped that you’d see how much this would help everybody. I know how much you hate to see the land dying like this.”

She bit her lip. He was right, she did hate to see the land like this. “If you can find a way to keep this secret, I’ll do it. But I’ve never done that sort of thing. I don’t know how far my powers will go into the land. I can only sense people within twenty feet.” Don't say 'land like this' again its sounds repetitive try to reword it

“But you’ll try?”

Kerani got up and nodded. “But only after you find a way to cover your sources.”

He hugged her again. “Thank you. I promise I’ll find a way to keep this secret.”

She stretched and changed the subject. “Do you know where the women’s bath house is? I have been looking forward to hot water since we left Hurime.”

Hasin smiled. “Check your bathroom. The Emperor thought you’d all be a little travel-weary. He arranged—”

“Hasin?” she cut him off, “you can leave now.”

He laughed and left, closing the door behind him. Kerani walked around the bed to the second door in her room. A tub filled with steaming hot water was waiting for her in the bathroom. Next to it was everything she would need, including a cotton robe, and a plate of fruit. She smiled. The Emperor knew how to make a trip have a worthwhile ending.

She stripped and lowered herself into the water. All she would have to do after this was make sure her belongings were put in her room properly. The rest of the evening would be hers. She tilted her head back and let the past two weeks drift away from her memory. Nice ending

I know full well it's been chewed up. I'm just looking for an opinion or two more, since the overall comments were split.

Oh-kay, nice to know that stuff is relatively easy to fix. It just needs another re-write. And some more thought......

Some of the stuff I put in is foreshadowing to later events.

I think I won't post anything else until I really get some nitty gritty details ironed out.

Thanks to everybody who reviewed this!

Woah, I see this has been chewed over a few times by some very good critiquers. Talk about having a hard act to follow! :p
So I gather from your request you would like me to concentrate on the plot. Let's see what I can do for you. ^^

Kerani of Shira watched the dry, desolate land go by through a gold mesh screen, a silk canopy above her head, the world rocking slightly from the gate of her elephant.

A thrill of joy went down her nerves. Ranya’s. Something was exciting her half-sister to the point of near hysteria.

Kerani was the only one there related to him by blood, and now she was the one left out of this ‘family’ gathering.

It was a short walk to Lady Vyoma’s rooms. Ranya’s rooms were just down the hall. They were carved with the Phoenix.

The rest of the evening would be hers. She tilted her head back and let the past two weeks drift away from her memory.

Hey there Unicorn.

Kerani of Shira watched the dry, desolate land go by through a gold mesh screen, a silk canopy above her head, the world rocking slightly from the gate of her elephant.

Kerani thanked them for the dust caked on her skin and the grit in her hair.

Her half-sister Ranya for being chosen as the Crown Prince’s bride, her stepmother for making Kerani come along to “protect” the bride-to-be.

It didn’t matter that Ranya was fourteen, only a year younger then Kerani. It didn’t matter that once they were inside the palace Ranya would be guarded all day, every day. No, she still needed her mother and her sister to keep her “safe.”

The capital of Kemmer didn’t move, had places to take baths and, it was supposed to be green-- Unlike the rest of the country.

Autumn wind was constantly blowing, kicking up dust storms that turned villages into ghost towns.

She knew from her brother, Hasin that the farmable land was shrinking and the food stores were starting to exhaust themselves. Kemmer was just too big, and the drought was severe.

A thrill of joy went down her nerves. Ranya’s. Something was exciting her half-sister to the point of near hysteria.

She sighed. Tital Bay was beautiful, but it wasn’t the mountains of Hurime. Kerani hoped she’d be able to go back home— and soon.

The dome was the first thing she saw. It crowned the place like a fat teardrop

The only other thing she could see from far was the outer wall. A tower marked each corner, each topped by the same dome as the palace. A dark blotch along one wall showed where the gate was. She’d heard that the courtyards of the palace were so big that markets were held inside for the nobles.

Kerani tuned out her magic as excitement grew around her.

OK, whoa. There's a lot of information flying through the reader's head in the first

paragraph. I'm still reeling from it. Ok, you NEED to cut back on that. Plus, a bunch of

it is randomly spaced out. I think you should also try to dig deeper into your character's

emotions. So far the characters' actions have all been mostly superficial, being happy

at someones return, being unhappy because of a drought. So far, so simple. The plot

needs a bit more oomph to it too. If you can fix that, you'll have a pretty good story. I

love the last few lines. Letting her memory drift away...nice wording and imagery.

Rosey Unicorn wrote:Well, I didn't like the way Heart of a Leopard was going, so I changed the beginning 100% (reason the title has changed).

Enjoy!

And a note to all future critiquers- Feel free to be harsh.

~~~~~~~~~~~

(Hey there Rosey! Here is my critique; corrections/suggestions in bold.)

Chapter 1

Kerani of Shira watched the dry, desolate land go by through a gold mesh screen, a silk canopy above her head, the world rocking slightly from the gate of her elephant. Up ahead her half-sister and stepmother occupied another elephant; behind was a train of their possessions.

("...the world rocking slightly from the gate of her elephant" Gate here should be gait. "Gate" is a doorway or passage way; gait is referring to stride.)

Kerani thanked them for the dust caked on her skin and the grit in her hair. Her half-sister Ranya for being chosen as the Crown Prince’s bride, her stepmother for making Kerani come along to “protect” the bride-to-be. It didn’t matter that Ranya was fourteen, only a year younger then Kerani. It didn’t matter that once they were inside the palace Ranya would be guarded all day, every day. No, she still needed her mother and her sister to keep her “safe.”

(I don't think "them" needs to be italicized; nevertheless it doesn't bother me . But, you should place semicolons instead of periods and commas in the first two sentences. Like this:
"Kerani thanked them for the dust caked on her skin; the grit in her hair; her half-sister for being chosen as the Crown Prince's bride; her stepmother for making Kerani come along...")

A gust of wind blew more dirt in her face. Curse this drought! Kerani coughed, praying they'd reach Shenora today. The capital of Kemmer didn’t move, had places to take baths and, it was supposed to be green-- Unlike the rest of the country.

(The line "had take places to take baths" is a bit confusing. You should clarify this a bit.)

She tried to rub grit out of her eyes. Only the Phoenix knew why they had to make this trip now. Autumn wind was constantly blowing, kicking up dust storms that turned villages into ghost towns.

(You don't have to italicize those words in an informative sentence. Thoughts should be italicized, but it's not necessary to italicize as you did here.)

Kerani shook her head when she realized what had just gone through her mind. The Phoenix was the goddess of the day and dry season. If anything, Lung should be on her mind. They needed the god of the rain and night more then ever. She knew from her brother, Hasin that the farmable land was shrinking and the food stores were starting to exhaust themselves. Kemmer was just too big, and the drought was severe.

("Kerani shook her head as she realized what had just gone through her mind..." sounds a bit better than "when")

A thrill of joy went down her nerves. Ranya’s. Something was exciting her half-sister to the point of near hysteria.

Kerani glanced out of her silken cage. Tital Bay was visible in the east. Normally she would have groaned at anything her half-sister found exciting, but there was something about the waves rippling across the water that was oddly hypnotic. She sighed. Tital Bay was beautiful, but it wasn’t the mountains of Hurime. Kerani hoped she’d be able to go back home— and soon.

("A thrill of joy went down her nerves." Doesn't sound too good. Perhaps change the way this is worded, to something more descriptive. Include the "nerves" to show the reader that it bothered her.)

Ranya's squeal cut through the silence. Kerani sighed and looked ahead, taking her eyes away from the water. The palace was now in sight, a gray pearl on the highest point of Wing Plateau.

(Describe that squeal!)

The dome was the first thing she saw. It crowned the place like a fat teardrop. The only other thing she could see from far was the outer wall. A tower marked each corner, each topped by the same dome as the palace. A dark blotch along one wall showed where the gate was. She’d heard that the courtyards of the palace were so big that markets were held inside for the nobles.

Kerani tuned out her magic as excitement grew around her. They were going through the city now, and people were starting to gather. Every single one of them wanted to catch a glimpse of the splendour the Imperial Bride was arriving in, even if they couldn’t see her through the screen. Kerani relaxed in the shadow of her half-sister. Nobody was cheering for her, and she didn’t mind. After hearing Ranya fret for almost a year, Kerani was glad she wasn’t getting married.

(Very good! Perhaps would you describe a little how she "tunes" out her magic?)

On a whim she looked outside. Green vines grew on the sides of houses, new shoots were springing up in gardens, the wind carried the scent of roses, jasmine and lavender. Kerani had heard Shenora received the normal three months of rain that summer, despite the drought. She hadn’t believed it until now.

The cheering was soon drowned out by a loud groan. The gates of the palace were opening. Kerani knew Ranya was quivering with excitement. Kerani had to admit she was too. The two-week trip was finally drawing to a close.

(The length of your sentences in the second paragraph here is a bit... monotonous. Can you vary the length a bit; combine some with commas.)

It was several minutes before they reached the gates. A bar of shadow marked the difference between the outside world and the palace world. They passed by servants waiting to take their possessions down shadowed hallways. Another gate was on the other side of the courtyard. It was in much better condition then the outer one; the doors were freshly stained, the hinges polished mirror-bright.

(I would replace the last part with "the doors were freshly stained and the hinges were polished mirror-bright.)

Another bar of shadow, another change. This time from the servant’s world to the noble’s. The walls and floor were marble; shade-structures had been built on two sides of the courtyard. Kerani noticed a man standing under one of them as her elephant knelt. She dismounted slowly, unsure who it was. She tuned into her magic and detected a faint trace of familiarity, but she couldn’t place it. Ranya placed it for her.

“Hasin!” Her half-sister ran to him and jumped into his arms. Kerani watched with a twinge of jealousy. Hasin was her brother. She was the one who was supposed to jump into his arms, not her half-sister. She watched her stepmother fawn over him like he was her son. Ranya was still hanging onto his neck. Hasin was the top Counsel member at only twenty-two. He headed almost every project related to the drought. Most of them were his ideas. Kerani was the only one there related to him by blood, and now she was the one left out of this ‘family’ gathering.

(She turns into her magic? )

“Kerani!” Hasin called, “Don’t you want to see me?”

She smiled and ran over. He hadn’t forgotten her after all. Before she could say anything he let go of Ranya and hugged her. Kerani wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his shoulder. Phoenix, she had missed him.

“Cat,” he whispered, using her old nickname, “I have to talk to you.”

Ranya interrupted before Kerani could respond. “Aren’t you supposed to take us to our rooms?”

Hasin sighed and let her go. “You’re very right. Lady Ranya, Lady Vyoma, Lady Kerani,” he used her full title just to irk her, she could tell by the twinkle in his eyes. “If you will follow me?”

Lady Vyoma crossed her arms. “You’re just as bad as Kerani. I keep telling you two, call me Mother.”

Hasin bowed. “Whatever you say, Lady Mother.”

Lady Vyoma shook her head and followed him down the hall. Kerani ran her tongue over her teeth. Had she said that her stepmother would have reacted very differently. Her brother had no idea how lucky he was. She didn’t bother to tell him. He wouldn’t understand.

(Give a bit of description to how she runs her tongue over her teeth. In disgust? In awe? In happiness? Dramatize it )

It was a short walk to Lady Vyoma’s rooms. Ranya’s rooms were just down the hall. They were carved with the Phoenix.

“Hasin,” Ranya gasped, “You don’t mean— I get the Empress’s rooms now? I’m not even the Princess yet!”

Hasin nodded. “That you do, sister. And just in case you need anything, Kerani’s rooms are across the hall, and if you want to see me personally, send a message.”

(I'm jealous, haha. She gets the cool room!)

Ranya nodded and disappeared into her new suite. Kerani sensed the ripples of sheer wonder from her half-sister.
“You’ve done it now,” Kerani grumbled, “She’s already acting like a princess. Now you’ve got her in the Empress’s suite!”

(Sheer ripples? That reminds me of a curtain and water . )

Hasin unlocked the door across the hall. “Don’t look at me! The Emperor decreed she have those rooms. And consider yourself lucky you’re across the hall. You almost got adjoining rooms.”

She shuddered. “A-adjoining rooms? And who—or what— prevented that?”

He smiled. “Me.”

Kerani rolled her eyes. “Of course,” she followed him into her rooms, “What did you want to talk to me about?”

He closed the door. “How much can you do with your magic now?”

She sat on a nearby chair. “Enough,” she narrowed her eyes, “Why do you ask?”

“Would it be possible for you to sense how the earth is doing around Shenora? The crops are starting to fail even here. Maybe if we knew what fields were best for what plants—”

“Absolutely not,” she snapped, “I refuse to be a simple tool to further your carrier.”

(Kerani's mood is clearly displayed here; I love it.)

He ran his fingers through his hair. “You haven’t changed, I see. Listen, this isn’t for me. Kemmer need this. The people need this. If you could help with crop rotation, we might be able to last another year. The drought’s only gone on for four— no drought has lasted longer then that. All we need is one— maybe two more years. The palace mages are useless for this stuff, and since you’ve been able to sense things so well…” he trailed off, waiting for her response.

Kerani shook her head. “What then? If others find out I can sense people and emotions I’ll never have peace. Everybody will want me to sit as a shadow in debates, just so they can know what the other person feels. That’s cheating! If you know a person’s weakness like that, you can do who knows what. I won’t go there. You of all people should know that.”

(First line! "Kemmer need" Should be "Kemmer needs")

He sighed. “I do know that. I just hoped that you’d see how much this would help everybody. I know how much you hate to see the land dying like this.”

She bit her lip. He was right, she did hate to see the land like this. “If you can find a way to keep this secret, I’ll do it. But I’ve never done that sort of thing. I don’t know how far my powers will go into the land. I can only sense people within twenty feet.”

“But you’ll try?”

Kerani got up and nodded. “But only after you find a way to cover your sources.”

He hugged her again. “Thank you. I promise I’ll find a way to keep this secret.”

She stretched and changed the subject. “Do you know where the women’s bath house is? I have been looking forward to hot water since we left Hurime.”

Hasin smiled. “Check your bathroom. The Emperor thought you’d all be a little travel-weary. He arranged—”

“Hasin?” she cut him off, “you can leave now.”

(Kerani's character is easy to see! I love her personality already )

He laughed and left, closing the door behind him. Kerani walked around the bed to the second door in her room. A tub filled with steaming hot water was waiting for her in the bathroom. Next to it was everything she would need, including a cotton robe, and a plate of fruit. She smiled. The Emperor knew how to make an trip have a worthwhile ending.

She stripped and lowered herself into the water. All she would have to do after this was make sure her belongings were put in her room properly. The rest of the evening would be hers. She tilted her head back and let the past two weeks drift away from her memory.

(Very nice! Very nice! -applauds- Now, the only thing I have to say is to pay attention is your sentence length. You should vary it up a bit; throw some compound sentences in there. For now, they sound a bit monotonous as I pointed out in one of the above paragraphs. Over all, I like it! Maybe you could describe the setting a bit more! It reminds me of Arabia or India, but I'm not sure. Good luck writing! PM me when you have more!

June)

The 's is because of Kerani's magic. It's Ranya's joy, not Kerani's.

I know about the sister. She is a brand new character (this draft is the first one she's shown up in), so some flatness it to be expected.

I have fun exploring characters in new lights in later chapters/events. Since one of the biggest problems I saw in the first draft I posted was trying to do too much, I toned it way down.

I'll have to figure out a way to make that line describing Shenora better.

Other then that I've edited most of the things you've pointed out.

Thanks!

Here as requested!

Up ahead her half-sister and stepmother occupied another elephant, behind was a train of their possessions.

Kerani thanked them for the dust caked on her skin and grit in her hair.

It didn’t matter that Ranya was only a year younger then Kerani’s fifteen years.

It didn’t matter that once they were inside the palace Ranya would be guarded all day, every day.

A gust of wind blew more dust in her face.

Kerani coughed and prayed that they would reach Shenora today.

The capital of Kemmer was supposed to be green, it didn’t move and it had places to take baths.

Kerani shook her head when she realized what she had just thought.

Kemmer was just too big, and the drought was too severe.

A thrill of joy went down her nerves.

Ranya’s.

Something was exiting her half-sister to the point of near hysteria.

Normally she would have groaned at anything her half-sister found exiting, but there was something about the waves rippling across the water that was oddly hypnotic.

Tital by was beautiful, but it wasn’t the mountains of Hurime.

Ranya’s again!

She’d heard that the courtyards of the palace were so big markets were held inside for the nobles.

Kerani tuned out her magic as excitement grew around her.

Every single one of them wanted to catch a glimpse at the splendour the Imperial Bride was arriving in, even if they couldn’t see her through the screen.

Kerani had heard Shenora had gotten the normal three months of rain that summer despite the drought.

Kerani could just imagine that Ranya was quivering with excitement.

This gate was in much better condition then the outer one; the doors were freshly stained, the hinges polished mirror-bright.

As her elephant knelt, Kerani noticed a man standing under one of them.

She tuned into her magic and detected a faint trace of familiarity, but she couldn’t place it.

She smiled and trotted over.

“Aren’t you supposed to take us to are rooms?”

Hasin sighed and let go

“You’re very right.

Lady Ranya, Lady Vyoma, Lady Kerani,” he used her full title just to irk her, she could tell by the twinkle in his eyes, “if you will follow me?”

Hasin bowed. “Whatever you say, Lady Mother.”

Had she said that things would have turned out very differently.

Hasin nodded. “That you do sister.

And just in case you need anything, Kerani’s rooms are across the hall, and if you want to see me personally send a message.”

“You haven’t changed I see.

She titled her head back and let the past two weeks drift away in her memory.