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139,616 Literary Works • 672,627 Reviews
Rosey! I've read this before you corrected it, but I never got around to reviewing it; brace yourself.
It doesn't seem like this is only my 1300th review, you know; I feel like I've done much more...
Anyway, prepare for slaughterrrrr.
Too general; you take to passive voice too much and you shouldn't. There is merely just existing, bring this personal to the narrator, make your language vivid and clear (so that we hear you above all other implied impulses and leave no room for confusion: "I got a certain type of satisfaction beating guys at sports, especially when they stood a foot taller than I was and spent hours in the gym working out."
"Dodging the stray shots that came his way"; as you have it here sounds very awkward.
I know you're implying that getting to the door first means that you get stuck with holding it for everyone (Gosh, don't you hate that?), but I don't think you really need that extra part, because it's diverting attention from what's really at hand, dear.
Here, character actions feel detached from their speech, and I think you can branch these things together way better. Use commas instead of periods, because character actions can almost count as dialogue tags.
I think the active voice that you're using here is messing things up; why not ["Ow," I chuckled. I trotted backwards...]? It sounds much cleaner to me, and eliminates the confusion of too much words.
The last sentence here sounds like a fragment and sticks out awkwardly. I think you should tweak it.
I'm not sure why it's important to emphasize that everyone around her is mostly guys? Also, the final sentence here sounds awkward, too, and I think it should be something more along the lines of "become familiar with", because it sounds like Alex-humor is a language they've become well versed in.
to see
Close repetition and awkward wording; "One of the players who trained newcomers" would sound better.
Too confusing. Did she get here during the early morning practice on Saturday, or is that when the latecomers got here, or newcomers, or what?
So far, I think you used the word glanced too much. It's too passive, too relaxed; does he glance quickly, look away, and then just move on? Or is he looking? Be specific.
This sounds like she's wearing a lot of clothes. Perhaps "...spotted the girl in tight clothes showing as much skin as possible...."
Glanced again. I don't think you need the latter part about them not looking at her like that. It's generally already implied, and here it almost makes her seem jealous. Even if she's saying she's glad.
comma after message. Also, I think I would feel better if you said something more along the lines of "Who were trying to look at anything but Coach" or whatever.
they
I don't think the italics and the two last sentences are doing much to our benefit, dear. They're kind of just extra fluff since this stuff is already implied.
Fragmented sentence on the end right tharr.
Now it was my turn to pause. Was her attention going to my friends? At the same time, I had no reason not to answer. “Two months and a year and a half.”
Another fragment, "and she made me curious"
*
Not bad, but not that great, either. I'm unsure about your main character -- she seems pretty icy, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the air you gave her, but she seems a bit pretentious and I don't understand why she felt the need to survey Julia so extensively. I would tone that down a bit, because it just makes her seem jealous in spite of her nonchalant attitude. Perhaps, with time, we'll see a bit more about her character.
I think the main thing you need to watch here is your sentence structure, Rosey. A lot of times, you retrace a step and add a fragment, and that doesn't do anything for the story, but rather makes it seem like you're uncertain in your writing, and it's just not something that's good to see in your writing. (Whoa, major run on right there. >.>) At any rate, I think you have a good basis to work from, but this needs a good editing.
Keep it up! I am curious about where you'll take this.
June
Can I just say that this is my single most favorite edit you did? It gives character, adds immediacy and gets rid of the strange "realization" line that was there before. Lovely.
This worked a lot better for me. The changes were all really small, but they added a lot. That little bit of internal monologue when Alex doesn't get chosen. The stream of thoughts reacting to dialogue and actions. So much more inside her head. Yayz!
This one character moment I noticed:
While I totally understand where Alex was coming from, I can sort of see Julia's perspective on this too. Alex is just trying to be polite and nice, but Julia could totally be seeing it as almost being sarcastic. If she's seeing Alex as some sort of competition for the guys, Alex's gesture could totally be seen as sort of an attempt at a "one up" or a sarcastic jab. I mean, it's not typical for girls to hold the door and let other girls go through first. We politely hold the doors and everything, but not quite the way polite guys do. Just generalization on my part (I've certainly held the door for other girls and whatnot) but I can see where Julia might be coming from. Polar opposites indeed. Yay for character moments!
Good luck on this contest, you!
~GryphonFledgling
Edited! Hopefully Alex is a bit more of a participant now.
This story catches my interest, probably because the main character reminds me a bit of myself, except that she's athletic, which is something I lack, but that's beside the point.
She's there just to hang out and do what she loves with her friends, which is a great contrast to Julia, who seems to be one of those more 'popular' type of girls who always wants to look cute and show off when she can. Putting these two together makes for potentially an interesting dynamic between the characters.
I didn't really notice an abundance of grammatical errors (of which I'm sure there were some), though I must admit I didn't read it with much of a critical eye. Mostly I was just enjoying the story and the characters' personalities, which you do a great job of creating. Fluid characters are key to a good story, as well as the concept of showing and not telling, which is a problem a lot of people have. Now you just gotta make sure the characters don't fall flat, and that they don't become actors on a stage.
I look forward to the next chapter. =]
Hey-oh!
Not so much the nitpicks will I give. More general impressions will I focus on. (And no more like Yoda will I speak.)
1) Exposition!
It's the beginning of the story, so you're trying to help us get to know the characters and what exactly is going on in this situation, but much of it felt rather info-dumpy.
Stuff like this just felt really "exposition!". At this point, we want to get to know your character and while this stuff about her may be important, it's not really being presented in ways that make us care about the character. It's just sort of there.
Description!
The most description in the whole thing seems to be about Julia. Granted, she is one of the focus characters, but it doesn't feel like anything else is being described, not even how Alex feels about things. We get things like this:
but not much more than that. How does it sting? Does she feel inadequate? Is she angry with the coach for not recognizing her talents, but shakes it off in order to be helpful? Is she resentful of the fact that she is constantly training the new people? Does she feel underappreciated? Expand and describe!
I agree with Suzanne about your first-person narration. It does feel very much like Alex is just observing and not participating. Getting into her head a little more would be nice.
Look forward to more, I do. (Lied I did. Fun is speaking like Yoda.)
~GryphonFledgling
I don't get this whole exchange, surely the "Why" and "Why not" would be the other way around.
Alright so.
II. PLOT PROGRESSION
So. This is a nice little scene and I enjoy it. The problem is, where does it get us? The plot really doesn't move very far in the whole time and if it was a novel I guess that would be alright, but as it is it's the opening to a short story but it seems too long. Give us a reason as to why we're reading this. Because I've been reading your blog etc. I know this turns into a romance, but right now I've got no clue as to how that's going to happen, with who or why or, well, anything. You've got a handful of characters but so far not much reason for them being there.
III. OVERALL
I like it, I like the banter you've got going on. With the contest in mind, my problem is that to me, it's pretty obvious who the self-insert is. Julia's that girl, the one everyone hates, the one no girl would associate herself with. And Alex is, y'know, normal, modest, the kind of person that you can immediately relate to and understand, especially for other girls. My other problem is that so far, you've only compared and developed the two in one aspect of their life- and that's how they relate with boys. Which can say something about someone, but it's not everything.
Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella x
Heylo there! So I am here to eat up your story.
I'm sorry if I have a lot of comments but I felt like I should do a good job with this since it is for a contest! As such... I do have a lot of comments.
Redundancy. Also you were redundant in "Description. Quote" for these three lines, and you do it a bit more later. You should try being more original with each line you write. I know it's an afterthought to do so - but it helps a lot if you can get creativity into the way your lines are put together.
From what I know, you shouldn't have a comma after "answer"
The mass of commas in this sentence made it feel bulky; it didn't flow well. Perhaps you can cut words or rearrange it somehow?
I have to problems with this sentence. "Eyes dancing" makes me think she's having a seizure and her eyes are flailing about. Generally, I try to keep myself from writing about things that eyes are doing. Perhaps she's looking at, but eyes dancing seems a bit much to me. Then "boys left" made me first think directionally, so perhaps "boys which/that were left" (I'm never sure on the difference of which/that.)
I get irritated easily when character "realizes" something, especially you know, since she just went ahead and talked about tying hair back to the other character. So it's understandable that she just decided to tighten her ponytail because they're going to play, instead of, JUST THAT SECOND she realized it was loose. Personal irritation, but an irritation I felt like pointing out nonetheless.
I feel like you needed the word "since" in this line.
---
Okay, now I'm going to talk about some bigger stuff. My largest rant is going to be about first person. I do have a few rants about it though... I'll try and break it up into pieces though. Hope it makes sense?
Perspective in First Person
I felt like your perspective in the first person was skewed. First person is significant because, as I'm sure you know, you only get the viewpoint of one character and the things she would notice. And yet, your character had a certain knack for noticing the oddest things. I most had this occur with these sections:
Your first person narrator notices the description of this woman, young lady, whatever, so well I'd almost think she was a lesbian. In my mind, when someone notices those tiny things, it's because they're significant to the character, especially in first person. But, in truth, she's noticing these so that you can use them to characterize this other girl as being different from the first person narrator. So, I think this is flawed. Would your narrator normally notice the impressive curves? Does she believe they are impressive? Would she normally look a girl up-and-down so well, and describe a girl as having a skin tight tank top? Unless this is a lesbian romance, I feel like the description is awkward for your narrator. Especially because she then goes on to laugh at the guys for being the ones to notice her, when your narrator is noticing her just as much! I feel like you went out of character with this, almost more third person than first. Descriptions should be relevant to the way the narrator would view things. This does not seem relevant in my mind. Again, unless like I said, she's interested in the female.
If you described instead in terms that used the character's own language and opinion, it would seem more first person than third. I also found it interesting that the only person you mentioned in greatest detail was the female. Had she done the same for the men I may have thought less of it.
Purpose with the First Person
Whenever I've used first person it's been for a very specific, defined reason. I've been sure to use the character's voice and opinions strongly in the narration because that is the reason why I am writing in first person. Those things - voice, opinion, personality - are important to the story itself. I don't know if the contest directs that this be written in first person or not, but I'd almost suggest you change this to third person. This feels like you're writing in first person in pronoun only. I should know so much more about the narrator than that they're lazy about their clothes and not at all like the opposite character and that she plays this sport. I should hear her voice, her mannerisms. Her opinions, her thoughts. Her reactions. Instead she seems much more like she's a passive observant. She's their merely to contrast the overly described female opposite her and to tell the events of the story. She's a narrator, not a participant. Perhaps my view is extreme, but I simply felt like you did not make the full use of the first person like you could have. I'm uptight about first person usage. I believe that if a writer isn't going to use it to it's full purpose and ability they shouldn't use it at all.
Here's a bit of things I would have liked to seen more in this story, with respect to first person or not:
-Greater description of setting. The only bit I got was "concrete" of the room. Description of setting in light of the first person narrator, as well, is important. How does she feel about this place? How does it impact her attitude?
-More personal insights from the narrator rather than impartial observations. She talks about how long people have been playing for, and what normally happens in these games and such, but there aren't many personal insights regarding a few comments here and there. This lends to the third person feel - she's too impartial and uncaring
-Your word choice didn't seem too exact, perhaps because you didn't do much description whatsoever. Try thinking of words and way of speaking that would be particular to your character as a person, not just as a narrator.
That's all I can think of off the top of my head with respects to first person. It also covers fairly well my general thoughts on the story as a whole because most of my opinions are with respect to the use of first person. I hope this review helped! Let me know if you have any questions.
Here as requested! I know you mainly want a character dissection for this, but I'm going to go ahead and nitpick anyway before I look at characters. There isn't that much to say, because in general, this was very well written.
I'd cut the "only a bit..." part, mainly because it's awkward but also because without it, your MC is simplified a little. I think self-inserts are very difficult to write, so it's best just to keep to simple characteristics and avoid making excuses.
This is very awkward. Consider rewording. I'd give a suggestion, but my style is very different and I can't imitate the voice here very well. Sorry!
I'd replace the full stop with a colon.
Two separate words here, I think: "a while".
As "he paused" isn't a dialogue tag, I'm not sure this makes sense with the punctuation you've used. It's not a continuous sentence, so you can't really have commas. I'd rephrase it so you include a dialogue tag or separate the speech into two different sentences.
There are lots and lots of short sentences here. I'd make use of a semi-colon somewhere in this paragraph to break it up a bit, because it feels like I'm stopping and starting, and I lost the flow.
I'm not sure about this. It's clunky, and I hate the use of "gotten". Try "come loose" instead?
It's "practising" on this side of the pond, but I have no idea whether Americans use the alternate spelling.
This should also be "loose".
TheEnigma caught the other spelling errors, and I think they've been corrected.
As this isn't finished, I suppose I can't comment on the lack of conflict, because I assume you're aware of it. As it is, it's not a huge issue because your style is quite readable.
Now, the characters. I think Julia is quite well drawn here, if a little bit two-dimensional, but that might change as we go through. The danger with Alex, on the other hand, is that it's very difficult to write yourself into a piece and you could end up either over-complicating the personality or over-simplifying. Here, I think you just avoid mentioning any insecurities. Doesn't she feel any kind of embarrassment when Julia is talking about her friends like that? There are minimal emotions in this piece considering it's from first person, which is odd.
There's not much more I can say, because on the whole, very little has happened. The characters have been sketched in, but I assume there's more you're going to give us in the later parts, which is why I'm holding back on any kind of criticism of the story as a whole. That, and it's well written enough so as not to require any kind of language crit. Good luck with the contest!
- Jet.
I'll comment on your characters, that's always fun.
Julia's an interesting character, I have to say. You do a good job showing her personality through dialogue and her reactions, especially to being taught by your MC. I don't know if this was what you were intending, but she comes off as a boy-obsessed slightly snobby prep right from the first impression. I only wish you'd given more physical description about her besides her clothes. That's not to say her clothes don't help define her--they go nicely with her characterization! But I feel maybe you could give hair color, skin color, height...I mean, not just racy clothes make guys look at a girl. Some physical details you imply, but others need to be more concrete.
I very much liked how you contrasted her with the main character, especially their clothes. The clothes seem to symbolize the obvious differences in their personalities. My only complaint on the MC was that she always seemed so laid back, almost too much so.
Characters aside, I did see some misspellings; corrections are in red:
Well, that's all! I liked this overall, it was very well written. Great job.