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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hello Rosey Unicorn. Thanks for PMing me for a review. Sorry if I was a bit late at this.
Nit-picks:
I don't think screech works well there. I tend to associate it with something that's metallic or something that's aggressive and feral.
Hrmm? Is a rock in the way or something? It seems redundant.
Why not change the last sentence to "A creature of earth could not be knocked over so easily"? I'm assuming a creature of earth can resist more than just a shockwave.
OK. One of the bigger problems that I had with your piece is regarding the concept of aria. What exactly is it? You need to clear this up. From what I've gathered, a good majority of the piece is based on this. As a result, since this concept isn't very clear, it can greatly hinder your audience's understanding.
What dark elf? I thought there were only two people here. At least indicate that there are 3 characters in the piece.
Interesting description, but I think it would had worked better if you had tailored the piece more to the character's natural senses (e.g: Show them more of being able to sense out their natural surroundings). That way, it wouldn't seem so detached with the rest of the piece.
Overall impressions:
You have an interesting concept here and some evidence of a theme here, but what's mainly holding you back is the vagueness of the whole piece. I have already mentioned the Aria concept, here's more for you to think about:
-What's the point of the shockwaves?
-What exactly is role of the MC and Neria?
-Why would the humans do the things that they do here? It's quite one sided at the moment, making it not as perspective as it could have been. Also, from the way that you've worded the human's actions, it just seems rather unrealistic and exaggerated in my opinion. I don't really think humans would ever resort to such a thing. I mean, why would they stop caring like that all of a sudden?
-What do elves/gnomes do that are different to humans? (need more detail here)
-What is this 'negativity'?
These ideas need to be cleared up to make your piece more coherent. I had to vaguely assume what was happening in the piece which annoyed me a bit. (I do know however is that the MC is fighting for the elves as they believe the humans are evil while the gnome is fighting for the humans as they are like guardians to them. So there is this conflict betweem them due to a difference in beliefs).
Setting:
Why did you choose underground tunnels as the setting for the piece? You might want to explain the reason behind that. It could help connect the first part of the piece to when they were talking about the humans and cities.
Characters:
I was confused with the number of the characters that were in the piece, because you don't really make an attempt in making the characterization seem more varied and diverse. For example, they all talked with a similar tone and style. The way in which they expressed themselves was also quite linear and obvious, making both the characters and the story-telling rather trite. You also need to know how to use your dialogue tags better. When you have a dialogue tag that introduces a new name (inconsistent with the previous ones, it can really confuse the reader). That could be another reason why I was confused with the characters in the piece. That said, I think you did a fair job in hinting to the reader that the characters are willing to stand up to what they believe in from the way they behaved here.
In conclusion, your ideas have potential in portraying the theme of standing up what one believes in and seeking justice (I like how you use fantasy to portray this, it's quite interesting). What is letting you down however is that several components of the piece need to be cleaned up in order to ensure that what you are achieving is successful. It also helps if you are able to recognize the point of view of the humans so that the piece is more convincing to read.
Good luck.
Andy.
Thanks for the feedback!
This is actually the prologue of a novel. I didn't mention that because I wanted this to work as a stand-alone and as a prologue, and people sometimes change their critiquing style if they know it's a prologue. (Plus, I really want this to stand alone!) Hence a lot of the vagueness.
I'll work on that. I promise!
Thank ye again!
Hey, Rosey!
Here as requested!
Meh. I just don't like this line.
First of all, I don't see rocks as "screeching." That's more of a high pitched sound of metal grating together. I could imagine rocks groaning, rumbling, or moaning, but not screeching.
I also don't really think you need "the tunnels around me." It doesn't flow well, and I feel like it was thrown in simply for the audience's benefit: "Guess what? She's also in a tunnel!" Instead of putting tunnel in your immediate narrative (if that makes sense), describe the tunnel. If you use good description I will know that I am in a tunnel.
Uhm, what?
Is aria a place? Then it should be capitalized.
Or is it a misspelling of the word air? XD
Again, uhm... what?
Where did she come from? She just kind of randomly enters.
Not really... maybe it's clear to you, but it isn't to me!
I'm not so much a fan of using the expression "dark corner" twice. It doesn't flow well.
Examples, please?
Overall
Characters
Whoa. Way too many characters were introduced in rapid succession. There were like fifty elves in that tunnel. I thought that there was only your MC and Neria, so when other elves randomly began to speak, I was a bit confused.
Also, I didn't really feel for your MC. She had a lot of emotion, but the story was so short that I didn't get to know her.
The whole story, her only emotion was fear and anger. I was never able to related to her. Most of her dialogue takes place narrating the story.
What does a shock-wave feel like? How does absorbing the energy feel? Show us!
Fairy Worlds
Or where ever the heck they are... a tunnel.
Honestly, I had no idea what was happening. It was a normal story until -- BAM! Gnomes, aria, Dark Elves, negative energy...
I had no idea what any of these things were. It's alright to put some random fantasy things in a story as short as this, but so many put in so quickly is confusing and annoying.
I still have no idea why there was an earthquake or why Neria caused it.
All in All
This is a good idea, but it was much to vague to be enjoyable. It begs to be expanded.
And you know I always have short All-in-Alls so...
Hope this helped!
This is a great theme for a short piece: the timeless conflict between the creatures of nature and the indifferent, destructive humans. It's a topic that can be explored in many different ways, and one that doesn't need a lengthy story for it to have depth
.
. I love how you depicted elves and fairies as beings of the earth, not just of magic. It makes them more tangible 
.
Master_Yoda pretty much said everything there is to say about your work ^_^. But I have to stress the remark about the details. There are many descriptions that are too obscure, especially for people who aren't familiar with works of fantasy. Take the phrase "...negative energy in aria", for example. You could have said, "...the negative energy permeating the air" or something more easily understood. I had to reread most of the first part in order to understand what was going on.
Overall, though, I liked it
Hurray for fantasy! <3
Hiya Rosey!
I will try to do as good a job as I can with this piece. Let's see where it takes us. ^_^
You certainly manage to hook us with this opening line. It does seem that you are forcing the setting out, though. Essentially, you have to ask yourself a question. You are the main character here. You can only see what she sees. You can only feel what she feels. Allow me to pose a question to you. If you were running through a tunnel and it started to cave in around you, would you take special note that it was a "tunnel" that was caving in, or would you merely note that "it was caving in". I know that if I were the one in the tunnel, I would not care about my setting at this stage enough to describe it. I would describe my feelings, my emotions, and things that pertain to me directly. In other words, I'd edit the first line to, "The rock grated and screeched, threatening to cave in." Unless you state otherwise, we'll assume you are in the tunnel.
I understand the effect that you want to achieve here. There does, however, seem to be a little too much repetition. We want to understand the shockwave. What does it feel like? Surely, that's what you, as the character, feels most at this stage. I would try to limit the "runs", and replace several "shockwaves" with the effects that you feel from them.
What is aria? If it's a name it should be capitalized. If not, it should be elaborated on.
"onto" your shoulders.
Try "coursed" instead of "went". You want to be as precise as possible. Vagueness is rarely helpful.
How was it clear? We need to know these details that you take for granted. Also, you're not going to agree with this, but I'll say it anyway: replace the rasped with a "said weakly". Or perhaps a mere "said", followed by a description of her weakness.
What do you mean that she took "most of the negative energy", surely there were other gnomes? If so, rephrase this, if not, elaborate.
Negativity is a big word, a big concept. If I were you, I'd invent a term, and replace it. Also, we're getting a little repetitive here. Everyone's weak from destroying the negativity. Perhaps you could merely say, "I fell to my knees; I no longer had the energy to stand."
I'd suggest slightly fewer tags at the front. They get slightly tiresome. Most of our eyes read over the word "said", so to use it once in a while does not do much harm.
Very nice...
You would not have noticed your ears being pointed. Only someone for whom that was different would. Remember, you can only write what you would feel.
You're trying to blame the humans here. Don't give them excuses. Don't even mention the fact that you hadn't lived in it. You want to make humans out as completely guilty. Don't give them any saving graces.
I didn't quite get this sentence.
While other people might have noticed you whispering, you merely said it. Have you noticed how rarely you notice your tone. It is a natural addition to your words, and you will almost never notice it. You merely "say" something. You notice only other people's tones.
Great, your tone is hopeful, almost dreamy. I do like this paragraph.
What do they do for you?
If I understand correctly, it wasn't that you didn't want to stay. It was that you wanted to go. Say this.
Perhaps, "I was needed elsewhere."
Try, "If only to prevent another quake." The happen is once again too vague.
Did you look over your shoulder, or did you turn to Leha? Remember, only what you thought you were doing in your mind.
A beautiful ending.
Overall:
In the hope that this helps
Yoda
Hiya Rosey!
I will try to do as good a job as I can with this piece. Let's see where it takes us. ^_^
You certainly manage to hook us with this opening line. It does seem that you are forcing the setting out, though. Essentially, you have to ask yourself a question. You are the main character here. You can only see what she sees. You can only feel what she feels. Allow me to pose a question to you. If you were running through a tunnel and it started to cave in around you, would you take special note that it was a "tunnel" that was caving in, or would you merely note that "it was caving in". I know that if I were the one in the tunnel, I would not care about my setting at this stage enough to describe it. I would describe my feelings, my emotions, and things that pertain to me directly. In other words, I'd edit the first line to, "The rock grated and screeched, threatening to cave in." Unless you state otherwise, we'll assume you are in the tunnel.
I understand the effect that you want to achieve here. There does, however, seem to be a little too much repetition. We want to understand the shockwave. What does it feel like? Surely, that's what you, as the character, feels most at this stage. I would try to limit the "runs", and replace several "shockwaves" with the effects that you feel from them.
What is aria? If it's a name it should be capitalized. If not, it should be elaborated on.
"onto" your shoulders.
Try "coursed" instead of "went". You want to be as precise as possible. Vagueness is rarely helpful.
How was it clear? We need to know these details that you take for granted. Also, you're not going to agree with this, but I'll say it anyway: replace the rasped with a "said weakly". Or perhaps a mere "said", followed by a description of her weakness.
What do you mean that she took "most of the negative energy", surely there were other gnomes? If so, rephrase this, if not, elaborate.
Negativity is a big word, a big concept. If I were you, I'd invent a term, and replace it. Also, we're getting a little repetitive here. Everyone's weak from destroying the negativity. Perhaps you could merely say, "I fell to my knees; I no longer had the energy to stand."
I'd suggest slightly fewer tags at the front. They get slightly tiresome. Most of our eyes read over the word "said", so to use it once in a while does not do much harm.
Very nice...
You would not have noticed your ears being pointed. Only someone for whom that was different would. Remember, you can only write what you would feel.
You're trying to blame the humans here. Don't give them excuses. Don't even mention the fact that you hadn't lived in it. You want to make humans out as completely guilty. Don't give them any saving graces.
I didn't quite get this sentence.
While other people might have noticed you whispering, you merely said it. Have you noticed how rarely you notice your tone. It is a natural addition to your words, and you will almost never notice it. You merely "say" something. You notice only other people's tones.
Great, your tone is hopeful, almost dreamy. I do like this paragraph.
What do they do for you?
If I understand correctly, it wasn't that you didn't want to stay. It was that you wanted to go. Say this.
Perhaps, "I was needed elsewhere."
Try, "If only to prevent another quake." The happen is once again too vague.
Did you look over your shoulder, or did you turn to Leha? Remember, only what you thought you were doing in your mind.
A beautiful ending.