.

Wow. This is still getting reviews.

This has five stars, while the revised version only has three. I think something is a little wrong with that.

I read the whole thing but it's too long to criticise, even for me. But I couldn't find a way to criticise it anyway so... GOLD-STAR!

*starts critique* xD Sorry for taking so long! :[ Ya' know, I'm not going to make excuses but... *cough cough* my parents get annoyed when they think I'm on the computer way too long. They say it's frying my brain. Oh, well!

Realism
I will start off by saying how insanely realistic this is. I feel like I actually know Karen, and her brother, and these characters. Like, I can honestly picture her standing in front of the class and introducing herself, and admitting that she believes, in spite of all of them. That's great. I love how that song is kind of incorporated into this. It's wonderful.

Description
Your description was probably the most amazing part to me. I always have trouble with description. And it angers me so much that it seems to just come natural to you! I envy those of you that have that ability. You just dazzle people with your flawless descriptions. Curse you. (xD Just kiddin'!) I really loved the description you used in this part: 'Karen turned over in the freezing sheets. A tear rolled down her cheek, but she brushed it away. It’s just the cold, she told herself. It’s just the cold.' That is enough to bring tears to your eyes, and then the letter from her brother seems so... real. Again with the realism. I'm just so shocked.

Dialogue
The dialogue, as well, I can definitely hear going on in my head. I can see her mother's disapproving/disappointed face as Karen trots back up to her room after opening her presents and I can really actually hear her mother's tone when she says, 'Yes. Go on.'

Characterization
The only real thing that you need to work on, besides continuing this, is characterization of her parents. I can picture her mother pretty well, due to her apparent disapproving tone of voice and how she speaks, but to me, it's like her father doesn't exist. I mean, we know he's there, but he really doesn't do anything. But Karen, she has enough character to make up for all of them! xD I can definitely see her clearly in my mind.

Overall
My overall opinion is that you obviously need to continue this. I know it's for Jabb's contest, but seriously, this could turn into something. You have me hooked, and I'm tempted to PM you and tell you to write more, right now. xD You soooo get a gold star for this one. I look forward to reading more of your writing, because so far, you're brilliant and original. And dare I say, I honestly think that you are among the best writers on this site. And that is saying something, because there are a lot of great ones here.

Again, sorry I took so long for the review, but please don't think that I'll take forever if you request another. I really love your writing and wouldn't mind reviewing some more!

PM me if you have any questions or anything.

-Melissa

Wow. Good thing I didn't take this down!

Thanks a lot for that. Speeding through stuff is a problem I have, so I will try to slow it down. And add in more stuff. I'm not used to short fiction, so finding a balance between too much and not enough is still something I'm working on. >.<

Thanks again!

Okay, this is TOTALLY going to an MTV critique (sorry about that!) but here we go!

I though the ending was really weak. And this is mostly because you have the letter and then you have the scene in the classroom, and there's really no sacrifice that she has to give up. I mean, internally, you KNOW there's a struggle going on just because she doesn't believe and then she says she believes. Unfortunately, we really don't know if she really believes or not. She bites her lip, yes. She says the words, yes. Probably, the students laugh at her in the end. But, from what I see, it doesn't look like she actually believes her words when she says that. She goes through the actions, but we aren't left with any feeling that her conflict is resolved. So basically, the conflict is not resolved and this fails to be a short story.

Try and ante up the conflict. If the students laugh at her, then that helps because then she has to struggle. Struggling is important. Right now, she's struggling with homesickness (perfectly understandable) but we really don't see how this has any effect on whether she believes or not. There is no struggle for that. The move seems to irritate her and she misses her friends, but I don't see any reason why her belief should waver. And then you have her worried over her brother... but that really doesn't connect with any conflict that you presented here. You have to combine the conflicts better. If her brother was forced away from her, I can see why her belief went, but I think Canada isn't resorting to a draft, so that would be Damien's choice... and although I can understand worry, I can't understand a lack of belief.

And I wonder why she isn't hanging on to Damien's every last word in his letter. That seems untrue to me. Or that they have no contact with each other. That also rings untrue. I know plenty of soldiers with myspace.

So basically? Add some magic.

Anyway, this was more of a rant than a critique, but hopefully it will help. I do like this sort of fiction, actually (though it may not seem like it now!) but I want you to get better.

Good luck!

Hey hey! Others have caught the couple of typos you had so I'll not repeat those and instead try to give you some more general advice.

Song Compatibility

It worked nicely. There would have been a stronger connection if you had brought in flash-backs of other times when they were childish together and when he showed her how to believe because the point of the song was more that children believe all the time until they grow up and then as adults we only remember at Christmas. But it fits nicely and you have a good plot.

Characters

I disliked Karen a little at first and though I warmed to her later I couldn't honestly say that I loved her character. I think you should expand this a little in places, include a few flash-backs perhaps so that the change in Karen can be seen because it's hard to feel a connection with her when we're only seeing the 'after image' as it were and then being told that she used to believe and that she used to be more care-free but these qualities that would make us like her more and sympathise with her aren't actually shown.

Damien was easily my favourite character. You've got a strong, well developed voice in the letter from him that gives a real good sense of his personality so good work. But again, flash-backs would help to flesh him out.

And finally, a little characterisation of the parents would be appreciated. For a short piece you can't go into huge detail but at the moment I can't distinguish between them and they're just parents, they could be anyone's. Describe the little imperfections they have or actions they make that set them apart.

Description

You're a little short on the description in places and I'd like to see you venture further into the senses, particularly when she's in her house. Describe the rooms she goes through, maybe a passing mention of her brother's room, and use the mentioning of detail to help express what family they are and what personalities each individual has. Like, are their stuffed toys in her bedroom, pushed out of the way on top of the wardrobe forgotten now. Or does she still have them on her bed, a lingering memory of who she was. Think about every scene carefully.

If you're a little unsure, you might find this article helpful: viewarticlebody.php?t=33840

Tension

My final advice is that you should build the tension more. This story moved about quite quickly and there's places where you should slow the action down. For example, as soon as she's in her room, the full contents of the letter are just thrown at us out of nowhere. Take a breather, dear. Show us a little of her room first, have her study the hand-writing on the envelope, have her read the letter and react to its contents before you show us, have her go into his room or maybe pause at the doorway to it on the way to hers and glimpse in. Keep your reader waiting and they will be all the more satisfied when they are given the result. The same applies to your ending but others have already mentioned that.



Okay so good work and good luck! If you've got any questions about revising this or even just in general, feel free to send a pm my way and I hope this helps a little =)

Heather xx

Reason her brother had two names was because I changed it half-way through. That has now been fixed.

And yes, you're right about the letter. I started at the end. I did not want to write out the whole thing when only the end is important.

I think I'll start editing this soon. I wanted to get as many as possible before editing, and five is plenty.

Thanks everybody!

Darn it! Sakura said everything I was going to!
Down to the 'ripping open the envelope' thing! *sigh* Ah, well. Just makes my job easier then, huh?

Apart from everything that Haruno Sakura said, this was very sweet. Oh wait, she already said that too? She just stole my whole review!
Ok, well I'm giving this a gold star. Apart from those few slight inconsistencies and spelling errors, this was really great. You gave Karen a great voice, and made her appeal to the readers. Most people can understand how it feels to move in the middle of the school year, or to miss their older sibling who's in the war.
I also liked the letter from Damien. She was halfway finished reading it when the readers came in, right? I'm assuming that's why it started with "Well, that's everything.", but you might want to clarify that more for the audience.

So, apart from all that, it was sweet. It had that feel-good Christmassy spirit that everyone loves to read! Great job and good luck!
Oh, and that song is absolutely lovely when you listen to it and read at the same time! Fits the mood perfectly!


*anti-pop

Hey, Rosey!

Karen looked out the airplane window as they landed. The grass was covered by a pitiful amount of snow, especially for mid-December.

Damon in his uniform.

Karen slung her bag over her shoulder, catching a stray piece of paper. Before stuffing it back in her bag she looked at it. It was a picture of her older brother Damon in his uniform. He was in Afghanistan now, somewhere. He never did tell them where he was. He said it was for safety reasons, but Karen knew he was just trying to prevent them from worrying. It wasn’t working.

Damien

She ripped the envelope open as quietly as possible

hop on a plain

Well, that’s everything.

All you need to do is believe.

“Need any help?”

~~

Thanks for the comments everybody!

I don't really know about the ending. I like it, but I do agree it could use another line or two. I'll think about it.

I have fixed the spelling mistakes everybody pointed out.

Thanks again!

Hello Rosy!

Thought I would have a look at some of your work, seen as you have been helping me out so much

I LOVE christmas. As you know I can't really comment on the grammar. Overall I liked it thought, it flowed well and I loved the message to believe. My dad always loved it when I said that Santa isn't just a person that kids believe or don't believe in. He is the spirit of christmas and he is in each of us.

There were a few minor spelling mistakes, like the one foxfire pointed out and also I think you spelt Damien's name wrong at one point

'For the first time in her life Karen got up at seven a.m. on Christmas day. She had always woken up Damon at three just to see if Santa had come'

I actually liked the ending how it is, I thought it was a nice finish. It sort of made me think of Peter Pan and saying that you believe in fairies.

The story overall made me think about all my christmas traditions. I think it's nice to be able to connect to a reader through your writing so, good job

i love it. the story is beautiful...

the plot of thes tory is simple but effective

Karen bit her lip. It seemed her homeroom teacher was also the creative writing teacher. “Well, my brother and I used to stay up and try to catch Santa. We never did though.”

A kid in class snorted. “You don’t really believe in Santa, do you?”

Karen was about to snap back that she didn’t, when Damien’s letter popped into her mind. Hadn’t he told her to believe?

“Yes, I do believe.”

Rosey, I'm excited to read your work because I haven't yet =]

Karen looked out the airplane window as they landed. The grass was covered by a pitiful amount of snow, especially for mid-December.

Snow fell gently outside. Karen remembered the time she and Damien had tried to stay up all night, just to catch Santa. Even though he knew the truth, he always pretended for her sake. He had done it so well, she hadn’t stopped believing until this year— after he had left.

She read over the letter, fighting the urge to hope on a plain and go see what was going on for herself.

As Karen put her stuff down the teacher came in and asked she introduce herself.

Karen felt her cheeks turn hot as she stood at the front of the class and said her name like a preschooler.

“Yes, I do believe.”