forward
and back,
forward
and back,
an indecisive
routine of
motion.
trees
towering,
as they
always do,
flecks
of green
and gold
sifting through
their
leaves.
it is a
place to
think
the deepest
thoughts
a youthful
soul can
muster.
fantasies
played on
an imaginary
screen,
while sandals
fly through
the air.
when did
the swing,
those
moments,
disappear?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Hello there~
This poem is really neat, I love the swing motion, though it was a bit hard to adjust to at first. The whole thing conjures up summery imagery. ^_^
I didn't think this bit fit very well- I feel like it's more of trees being close, then further, in connection to the swinging motion. It's almost like you can touch or reach them at some moments, but then at the bottom of the swing, they're like towering giants you could never reach. Does that make sense? I think something working off of that would make more sense based off of the back and forth motion you already set up.
I don't really see the fantasies on an imaginary screen connecting to the swing. It may be a place to think, but at least I don't see it as a place of imagination. And maybe, since, you talk about sandals flying through the air, you could mention jumping? I feel like if you said, "I don't know when I made the decision to jump off" it would make sense that the swinging moments disappeared in the last stanza. Just a thought.
Also, I thought that maybe the swing represents youthfulness, so you might include the narrator merely sitting on it now, thinking about the times when it would swing back and forth. That could be interesting, but you don't have to, especially since it might interrupt your swinging motion throughout the poem.
You did a nice job with this! You certainly don't have to take my suggestions, it's quite good as it is.
-Falco
This is Nikayla here for a review!
So this poem interested me when I first saw it, leading up to my review of the piece! I see that you've gone with a style that has a single or couple of words for each line, which is usually something that I don't really opt for, but for the poem, it works. At points, I found it to be a bit of a gimmick, but it works for what it is. We see that the poem is kind of structured as if it is a swingset, or a person swinging on a swingset going back and forth. The structure plays in to the rest of the poem, and I think it's worth it.
The flow of the first stanza isn't all that strong to me, but it works for what it is. I understand that you're trying to describe how it is being on a swingset, and I don't see how you would change it, but I don't think it's the strongest part of the poem. In a way, the structure restrains the piece from things like imagery that goes in a lot of depth, making it feel a little minimal, but I don't exactly mind that fact. It's simple, and it works for the first stanza. The second stanza is actually what I think is the strongest of the poem, or at least, the ones that follow the first are. I think that changing "as they always do" just to "as they do" for a better flow. Another thing in this stanza that I suggest reworking and playing around with is the last four lines as "sifting through" feels a little long or large in comparison to the other one word lines.
The third stanza is strong, though I'm not as large of a fan of the fourth stanza. The part about the white sandals works, but I don't know how I feel about the rest of it. Because you don't use many words per line, it feels quite minimal in places. There are also some other things or details that I think you could have included in the piece, such as how it feels to go up and down or being in the air. Gripping the ropes or chains of the swing tight, or jumping off the swing.
Those are just some more things or ideas that you could include in the piece since it is focusing on a single and specific idea or object. The ending stanza was a bit confusing for me? I don't know what you meant "when did the swing". I think that maybe you accidentally said that or added in "the swing" by accident, because it makes more sense if you take out that second line.
Best,
Kayla.