leaning on the unstable armrest
of a swivel chair, eyes glued
to the screen.
flashes of light dart
across a square
of momentary entertainment,
received second-hand.
for one moment,
it depicts an epic quest
for jewels amongst
a jungle.
the next instant,
the scene bends,
now showing
knights in space,
defending an old republic.
a non-existent camera
follows one such knight,
two pairs of eyes
in pursuit.
discussions
branch into choice,
sabers clash
with fretful foes,
and the eyes
continue their vigil.
however,
knights must halt
as nights begin,
and nights invariably
become dreams.
dreams of normal life
with eyes merely
lagging behind,
akin to the
previous scene.
night ends,
and the eyes are confused
why they are now stuck
in their sockets.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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140,714 Literary Works • 673,675 Reviews
Hey there! Shey here to review!
I was a bit confused on exactly what was going on this poem. Maybe there is context, like other poem's or stories, that I haven't read. I do see a few more poem's on the sidebar that I haven't checked out, and perhaps those will help give more information.
One thing I didn't like about this third person perspective was your open acknowledgement of the scenes being scenes. (When a narrator acknowledges they are being presented to an audience as a piece of literature or film, it's called breaking the fourth wall. I apologize if you already knew that, I just wanted to make sure.) Breaking the fourth wall in literature, while it's done, is rarely done in poetry. It's just an abnormal thing to do. However, the perspective of this poem shows you aren't afraid of breaking conventional poetry concepts, which I always think is awesome.
Overall, wonderful poem! I look forward to seeing more, so keep up the great work!
-Shey
Thank you so much for the review.
I would agree about the context. It's an easy hole to fall into with this project, as I'm writing based on my past, and naturally already know the entire context behind it. Obviously, I need to make that a bit clearer.
I'll try messing around with the wording to fix it.
The fourth wall break was completely unintentional.
Thank you again!
Hello, RippleGylf. Steam1244 here to give you a review! While reading this, please know I make no sense sometimes; to other people and me too. However, I'm confused, but I'm not confused at the same time. What I mean is, I don't know what you mean,yet, I kind've do understand.
One little thing I recommend is, capitalization. At the beginning of a different stanza I recommend capitalizing the first word. Again, this is only a suggestion, that you don't have to use. Yes, I know, everything will never be perfect, nor, should it be (for everyone, not just you).I do not mean to sound picky, sorry. I thank you for your time and I hope you have a great day!
Keep Writing,
Steam1244
All fixed now! Review away.