her fingers brush
the ivory keys,
gliding across
a simple,
beautiful
melody.
she is by no means professional,
(she never practices),
but her heart becomes
the music in the air.
had she not abandoned it,
and the accompanying lessons,
she could have been
a masterful pianist.
now, she can only play
the inexperienced
memories of a child,
longing for lost time.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Ripple!
This piece is quite the ache when you take all considerations at play. You are heavily successful at misleading the reader with the first two stanzas by creating this atmosphere of beauty and serenity that is often so omnipresent in musical reflections, but the true core of the piece isn't given until the twisting of the third and fourth stanzas, as though one could only see a wound by twisting a certain way.
In this respect, you deliver a piece that bespeaks nostalgia and a captured mind longing for the what-ifs and could've-beens. You succeed at this and I am glad you do because it's enjoyable to read through and absorb as gospel.
But it doesn't remain just a poem about one girl wanting one phase of her life back, as we're given the final line to hang onto and ache upon:
by which we're delivered a quiet, whispered cut of reflection regarding our own individual experiences and journeys, our failures and given-away desires. This line in particular spoke to me in the atmosphere you created, so I hope you'll forgive the lack of hard criticism. The real parts I would focus on would be the flow disrupted by symmetrical line breaks as opposed to purposeful, breath-cooperative breaking waves, and the experiments you could conduct with the point of view of the piece, perhaps bolstering the emotional connection through personal recount.
I do hope this helps. All the best,
Ty
Heya! Saru here for a hopefully helpful review! I'll be reviewing as I reread, so I'll start at the beginning.
In the second stanza, you wrote,
And I thought that the parentheses part kind of broke the flow a little. Try and find something to replace it with, or drop it altogether.
Try replacing 'the' with 'its'.
Aaand that's all I could scrounge up. I guess I'll just tell you what I loved now, so you can keep doing that. :3
I loved the layout, it was very well organized and had a good rhythm. I don't know if you meant this or not, but I saw the lowercase style as representation of the girl's lack of skill, which I thought was pretty cool.
That's all I've got for you. I loved this poem, please keep writing more!
Saru
hi RippleGylf!!
this is a beautiful poem! here's what I think:
first off, the first stanza is very well written, and sets the poem up nicely with good imagery;
the first line of the second stanza however, in my opinion, is too long and the second line breaks the flow-
"she is by no means professional,
(she never practices)"
maybe you could shorten it, for example:
"she's far from professional-
a lack of practice"
(or something along those lines)
in the third stanza, maybe you could write, "and its accompanying lessons", instead of "the accompanying lessons", just for poetic effect (just a suggestion, it's your poem!)
the last stanza ties the poem up very well!
overall I think it's a really great poem, concise and full of meaning,
you're so good, keep writing!!!