we're corralled into the gym,
a herd of lambs who would otherwise
be learning how to efficiently count blades of grass.
excited bleats fill the air
as we sit on the cold, ceramic tiles.
assembled,
we can see the big people on stage,
smiling with their instruments at the ready.
teachers glare,
hushing the ever-raucous students.
after the obligatory formality
of introducing the guests,
(nobody will remember their names),
the music finally begins.
i can feel it
in my sneakers,
the vibration of notes
dancing through the air.
my heart is one
with the air and the music
and the sound of drums
racing through the floor.
memories cannot record every melody,
but i still feel the drum beats in my soles.
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140,714 Literary Works • 673,675 Reviews
The imagery is soothing to the mind's eye! I enjoyed this piece because it gave me a giddy feeling of nostalgia! Though the metaphor of a drum and a school assembly do seem a little bit confusing. Perhaps the music is analogous to the guests? Others pointed out a couple of things that I agree with-- "efficiently count blades of grass" doesn't make sense. It could denote several meanings, but my advice is to construe this line more clearly to the reader.
"(nobody will remember their names)"
One thing I would suggest is removing the parenthesis, I feel it doesn't offer your poem a whole lot.
Now for the things I enjoyed post, I loved the imagery and the way it somewhat stitches together to create a candid memory of a elementary assembly. "nobody will remember their names" is true. Ah, this poem was an excellent journey down memory lane. Keep at the poetry, I'm excited to see more of your poetry.
Thanks,
Enoshima
Hello! Nice poem you have here.
I laughed when I read this. It is so true.
I have no complaints, really, but the only thing that I'm a little unsure about is this:
I'm not sure what exactly the "counting blades of grass" means. Does it portray how young kids start to learn math? Or is it something else?
Good job! Keep at it!
~Lael
My favorite section ^
I wish I could review this through the eyes of a poet because I'm sure it would be better than my commentary. But I love the sense of nostalgia this evokes, and I wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed this. Really good!