desperate eyes search for
flashes of pinks and purples,
scattered throughout an ocean of
green.
running breathlessly,
she captures dozens
in a bygone basket,
but her mind rests
on the ones taken
by those who are older, stronger, faster
than she can ever hope to be.
too soon,
all of the precious eggs
have vanished,
a few broken shells
left behind.
wind on her face,
grass beneath her toes,
she stays with the forgotten remnants,
still alone.
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140,714 Literary Works • 673,675 Reviews
Hey RippleGylf, It's Queenie here for a review. So, first of all, I loved this poem. I think that you really captured the hope then the disappointment of this girl well. I also liked that you used such a common task as hunting for easter eggs to express ideas much deeper. Now for the critiques. To be honest, there isn't much I would change, but perhaps you might try capitalizing some letters. If you chose not to, it's ok because it works either way. All in all, good job, this was a very well written poem. Keep writing!
Its a very nicely written poem. I enjoyed reading it because those eggs can be taken as so many things... Opportunities, ides, etc. However, you should start with capital letters, it makes the poem really resound in one's head. And, in the first stanza, maybe you should have kept the colours in singular form.
In the third stanza, if you had added an 'Only' to the fourth line, it would sound way better.
When you say 'captures' , it sounds like the eggs are alive.
Second stanza-'by those who are older, stronger, faster
than she can ever hope to be.' Obviously she can't just catch up to them in age, so you could have cut out 'older'.
Last line - you didn't mention she was alone earlier, so 'still' shouldn't be there.
Well, that's it. Hope you find my review useful... Again, the poem is a masterpiece.
Thank you for the review! I'll try to use your critique well.
Heya, this is Jedi, here for a review! First off, I really enjoyed reading this, and I like how you used such a simple little story to get the message across.
But as for the critique, I was a little confused the first couple times reading this. Why is she looking at eggs in a basket? and who took the eggs til there was nothing but eggshells left? It was sort of vague, and vagueness can be used to your advantage if you use it right, but I don't think it fits well here... the holes in the story distract from the actual point and purpose.
it might just be me, but again the wording doesn't make a lot of sense here... captures dozens of what? eggs? does this mean "visually her eyes capture sight of dozens" or actually physically capturing them??? I suggest maybe you add a couple key words in there to make it a bit more clear what you're trying to get across.
This last phrase here, "still alone," doesn't seem to fit here... loneliness was never mentioned or even hinted at (as far as I noticed) in the rest of the poem. Maybe change the ending a little bit or add a couple hints throughout that they mc is lonely?
Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this poem, and the words you chose really conveyed the feeling of loss and being left emptyhanded, a feeling we can all relate to. Again, I REALLY like the story, and the simple yet descriptive style fits perfectly! hope this is helpful to you, and keep writing!
Thank you so much for taking the time to review my work! I'll definitely use your critiques to improve it.
You're right; the second stanza ought to be more clear.
Sure! and I'm glad it was helpful =)