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Young Writers Society



Gardens of Eden: Chapter 2: Part 3

by RavenBlack


Due to Ivy’s rudeness back in the canteen when she asked for help she only received the same kindness. Therefore when she finally found her Media class she was the last one to arrive – late.

  “Sorry, I’m late,” Ivy apologised, bowing. Shit. This is what happens when you watch too much Korean dramas. After quickly correcting her posture, embarrassed, she made her way to the available seat at the end of the second row. The class silently watched her like a hawk watches its prey, quietly sniggering to themselves. They chose her as the next meal and it would be a delicious one.

  “We’ve already said our names, so would you like to introduce yourself?” the teacher asked.

He wore a green Legend of Zelda shirt and black jeans and his ginger hair was balding from the centre.

  “You first.”

The teacher laughed at her proposal. “Okay, I’m Mr Green, now your turn.”

Ivy looked around nervously and twilled her thumbs. “Ivy.”

  “Ivy what?” he asked.

  “Must I give my surname, it’s embarrassing,” Ivy evaded.

  “Yes, everyone has, wouldn’t be fair if you didn’t.”

Ivy huffed. “Ivy – Mayne.”

  “I knew it!” the boy that approached her in the canteen exclaimed. “You’re her twin right?”

  “No, we’re cousins.”

  “Ivy if you don’t mind me asking but-” the teacher said but Ivy abruptly cut him off.

  “Well I do, so don’t bother.”

An awkward silence ensued leaving him no choice but to move on. The lesson included questions that would allow him to get to know everyone in the class. Such as: Favourite songs, games, films and TV shows. Whenever Ivy would answer another student in the class would have more or less the same answer. His name was Francis.

Francis had a punkish style. His hair was spiky and dyed red and his ears pierced with a black ear stretcher. He wore a denim jacket and jeans with a Metallica shirt.

When she said her favourite TV show was Game of Thrones, he had the same answer. Favourite film: Suicide Squad, he said the same. For favourite video game: Metal Gear, she said the same. But the only thing that he didn’t agree on was favourite song, on which she answered: B.A.P – One Shot and neither did anyone one in the class. No K-poppers in here then. This is going to be a long two years.

The 1 hour 30 minute class end rather quickly than she expected and at the end of it she decided to talk to Francis on their way to the canteen.

  “Hey!” she greeted. “Do you have a lesson next?”

  “Yeah, Sociology,” he moaned and Ivy laughed.

  “At least you have a lesson; I have to wait till 1 just for mine.”

  “Your timetable sucks!” he teased.

  “Tell me about it.”

Francis gulped fearfully as he opened his mouth, his palms becoming sweaty with the mere thought of how she’d react to what he’d say next. “I’m sorry for your loss, Ivy; it must be hard without your twin.”

Ivy was surprised to hear someone actually give her their condolences, so far she’s been pestered about her family and mocked by Damon. To actually hear someone that genuinely cared was refreshing.

  “Thank you, every day is a trial but I’m sure I’ll get through it – somehow.”

When they arrived at the canteen they parted ways, leaving Ivy alone until lunch when they reunited and talked endlessly about video games and movies. To her surprise, not only was Francis in her Media class but her English Literature class too! Having a friend made it easier, especially when he’d defend her when people would continue to pester her about the crash and her family.

Though, she made one friend, Ivy was elated when college ended. In the car park, Damon was waiting, leaning against his jet-black motorcycle.

When he saw her he smirked. “Good afternoon, love.”

“I thought I said don’t bother to pick me up,” Ivy reminded but the light tone in her voice said otherwise.

  “You’d rather catch the bus with all these filthy humans?” he offered, pointing to the bus stop across the street.

Ivy glowered at him with crossed arms. “Hey, I’m human too!”

Damon leaned in close to her, his warm, soft cheek touching hers. He sniffed at her neck and smiled as the sweet taste of conceivable sin filled his nostrils. “You smell better than them,” he whispered.

Ivy shoved him back embarrassed. “Don’t do that!”

  “I can’t help being enticed by my food,” Damon moaned.

  “I’m not dead yet,” she said offended with a hint of fear. “Now take me home, I’m tired,” she said as she got onto the back of the motorcycle. “Where did you get the motorcycle anyway?”

Damon hopped onto the motorcycle and started the engine. “I borrowed it.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Hold on tight!” Damon warned.

  “Damon, no. DAMON!” Ivy yelled but her screams were hushed by the harsh wind, rushing passed them.

The boy in the expensive clothing watched as she sped off with Damon, a sparkle of anger in his eyes.

(The boy in the expensive clothing was introduced in part 2 of this chapter)


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Sun May 14, 2017 3:20 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Hi there!

I'm going to echo IcyFlame on saying, slow down there! I think I mentioned something to that effect in a different chapter - maybe the one where Ivy suddenly wanted revenge? I don't recall. Anyway, yes: the action moves along so quickly that at certain points it begins to feel unreal. Like Ivy sort of diving headfirst into a friendship with this dude she just met, just because they like the same things, when she's focused on revenge and normally doesn't seem to gravitate toward people much.

That said, I think this new friendship has the potential to create more tension later on in the story, if it's developed better. Because Francis will (presumably) eventually find out that Ivy's hanging out with a demon to get revenge on the people who killed her parents, and it remains to be seen whether he'll like that (cool, a demon!) or not (you sold your soul???)

Also that said, it's all right that you didn't dramatize class. Like, we know more or less what classes are generally like, so unless something significant happens - like above, where Ivy's class reacted to her name in a negative way - you don't need to show us that. So you're doing good there, but we need to see more of the development of her relationship with Francis.

Probably the development of her relationships in general, now that I think about it. I don't remember details of how she met Damon, but I feel like it happened similarly in terms of just going really quickly.

Also, I thought it was kind of funny that Ivy asked Damon where he got the motorcycle, since I'm pretty sure he dropped her off at school on the same motorcycle a chapter ago.

Image




RavenBlack says...


Thanks for the review. I think I confused myself with Ivy because this is based on my experience and I'm nothing like Ivy. But the scene when me and 'Francis' answered the same answers actually happened and I went to talk to him at the end of the lesson. But I guess I confused myself with Ivy and thought Ivy would do that too.



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Sat May 13, 2017 10:57 am
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hey there!
I haven't read any of your previous chapters, so I'm sorry if I make a comment at any point that you've explained before, I'm just going to say it as I see it :)

Overall, your writing is fairly consistent and your characters seem to have depth to them, which is always good when writing because your reader can get attached to them, empathise with them.

I think the main issue I have here is that everything seems to happen at a very fast pace. It's like you're so focused on getting the story moving you don't take time to stop and take the readers on a journey. It's a cliche in writing, I know, but try to show the reader rather than tell them what's going on. You've introduced what seems to be quite an interesting character in the form of Francis but to begin with it seems as though she's irritated in him giving the same answers as her but suddenly they become friends? I'm pretty sure nobody becomes friends as quickly as that, even if he is pretty nice to her. I'm not sure about her character as I've obviously only read this part, but she doesn't seem one to trust another person so quickly. Obviously, I could be wrong with this one!

I'm going to pull out a few little bits in here that need a quick look over, just grammar, tenses, that kind of thing.

Due to Ivy’s rudeness back in the canteen when she asked for help she only received the same kindness. Therefore when she finally found her Media class she was the last one to arrive – late.


So to me, this isn't structured quite right. It's due to her rudeness that she is late, yes? You've put too much information in between the cause and effect that it becomes confusing. I would word it this way:

Due to Ivy's rudeness in the canteen it took her much longer than expected to finally make her way to Media class. When she did, she took a look through the window and found that the whole class was already seated; she was the last one to arrive.


Or something to that effect anyway.

“Sorry, I’m late,” Ivy apologised, bowing. Shit. This is what happens when you watch too much many Korean dramas. After quickly correcting her posture, embarrassed, she made her way to the available seat at the end of the second row. The class silently watched her like a hawk watchesing its prey, quietly sniggering to themselves. They had chosen her as the next meal and it would be a delicious one.

I like the bowing thing, but you could play on it a little more. It's over and done quickly but I like the humour it indicates and I think you could extend that somehow.

He wore a green Legend of Zelda shirt and black jeans and his ginger hair was balding from the centre.

Does this make her like him more or less? It seems like you're telling the reader for the sake of it, but does it make an impression on your character?



The teacher laughed at her proposal. “Okay, I’m Mr Green, now your turn.”

That's pretty good of him not to tell her off? She must have a reaction to this?


“Must I give my surname? It’s embarrassing.” Ivy evaded.


Francis had a punkish style. His hair was spiky and dyed red and his ears pierced with a black ear stretcher. He wore a denim jacket and jeans with a Metallica shirt.

Again, what are her thoughts on this?


This was going to be a long two years.


The 1 hour 30 minute class end rather quickly than she expected and at the end of it she decided to talk to Francis on their way to the canteen.

Why? Give us more.

The whole interaction between the two of them gives me the indication that he's a nice guy, but after how she acts to everyone else I'm surprised she's so nice to him. It would be nice to hear more of her thoughts in their conversation.

The part with Damon confused me but as I don't know his character I'm not going to comment too much on that, only note that she seems to change emotion very quickly around him. Maybe make it more consistent as it's hard to tell how she feels about him.

Overall the story flowed well but I think you could do much more with it. After having looked through it in detail I think you're missing your character's voice a little. What does she think and feel? Why does she react how she does?

Anyway, I hope this made sense and was somewhat helpful. Let me know if there's anything you need clarifying :)

Icy




RavenBlack says...


Thanks so much. i always have an issue with telling and not showing, haven't been able to fix that yet. But thanks again :D




Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.
— Sylvia Plath