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Gardens of Eden

by RavenBlack

This is my first time at a screenplay. Honest critism please.



Relentless rain slams harshly against the ground and against those unfortunate to be walking home. The park is deserted but IVY is sitting curled up under an apple tree. This tree stands out amongst the others as it bares red apples whereas the others bare green.

IVY, 10 year old girl, long brown hair, wearing white knee high dress which is wet and creased. She's crying into her arms.


This was me a year from now. My parents had died from a car crash and I was

left on the run after an assassination attempt. I had lost everything, my

home, my parents and I thought I'd lose my life - that was until a miracle happened.

A YOUNG MAN walks towards IVY, he crouches down and whispers into her ear. As she listens her expression turns from melancholy to malicious. His words were like sweet poison and she smiled as he spoke them.


And my life changed.

The YOUNG MAN hands out his hand and IVY takes it.


In the center of New York a building as large as the sky and colorful as Mother Nature, opens its doors to the business men and women who worked there. GARDENS OF EDEN was a large firm that specialized in almost every market, it was the iron throne and now that its king and queen had been killed, a new king would take their place.


Members of the board take their seats at the glass table; they all are wearing black stylish, formal clothing. They pick up the glasses filled with champagne in front of them as the man at the head of the table stands up to make a toast.

SEBASTIAN, 40, groomed facial hair and slicked back blonde hair, CEO of GARDENS OF EDEN.



Finally, the Gardens of Eden is ours! Drink up and bask in the

luxuries only kings and queens can enjoy, we've deserved it!

The members of the board take a sip of the champagne.

ANNA, 32, curly black hair styled into an afro, COO of GARDENS OF EDEN.



It took long enough.



I thought we'd had to wait for them die!

The BOARDROOM bursts into laughter.

JACK, 37, the piercing sun bounces of his bald head creating a halo of light, member of the board of directors of GARDENS OF EDEN.



What about the girl?



What about her?



She's still alive!



You behave as if she's a threat.

A woman enters the BOARDROOM and whispers in SEBASTIAN'S ear, his expression turns into confusion. A tall lean man appears at the door and the woman exits the room, he's wearing a black suit and tie, his fiery red eyes observes the room.


You brought the shares?



Do I come across as a man who wouldn't?



Well for starters I've never heard of your company, one that you refused to

tell my co-worker and I know every company there is, plus every name of

every businessman and woman yet your name doesn't ring a bell.



May I take a seat?

DAMON reaches out for the chair in front of him but SEBASTIAN pushes him back forcefully.



Who are you?



I can't tell you that, it'll ruin the mystery.

DAMON moves past him and takes a seat.



Give me one reason why I shouldn't call security?



I can help you take care of your little problem, IVY is her name,


The BOARDROOM goes into an uproar, shouting threats and demands.






Hold your tongues, I can't hear your prices when your all screaming at me!



How do we know that your not lying to us?


(amused, clapping)

Finally a new voice, I was getting rather bored of this one's.



Turn on the TV.

SEBASTIAN looks at him speculatively.


Come on, what do you thinks going to happen? The TV's going to blow up? Actually that's not a bad idea.

SEBASTIAN is about to press the alarm.

(hands up in surrender)

I'm joking, I'm joking. Just turn it on.

SEBASTIAN turns on the TV and live footage of IVY shaking hands with the new Vice President of NOIR, GARDEN OF EDENS rivals is shown. The BOARDROOM is in complete shock.



I told you! I told you she was a threat!



She knows the Vice President, so what?



That's because she's the CEO and has been for a year but has only surfaced today. And I've heard rumors that with the VP she plans to take back her parents company and expose those who unjustly took it from them. I wonder which company that is?



Do it! Get rid of her!


What do I get in return?


Whatever you want!



As you wish.

The live footage shows IVY addressing the crowd before she's shot down by an unknown source, the frantic crowd disperses and her body lays lifelessly on the ground. The BOARDROOM is overcome with a shower of peace.


(hand against his chest)

I've never been so scared in my life.



She's just a child.


A child with power seeking vengeance. Now as promised, what is it you want?




A common interest. On who just out of curiosity?



I'll let my master tell you.

The TV switches to a candlelit room and a silhouette of someone staring directly at them. Their features were not highlighted so figuring out their identity was impossible.



Great another mystery, what do you take us for Sherlock Holmes?



I was thinking more Chief Wiggum.


(demandingly, to MYSTERIOUS PERSON)

Who are you?


I'm the CEO of NOIR.

The MYSTERIOUS PERSON leans forward into the light revealing them to be IVY, 12. Her black hair is short and combed back, she's wearing a black suit and tie. The BOARDROOM seems as if they'd choke on disbelief which IVY would be ecstatic if they did.



And in response to SEBASTIAN's question, my vengeance is on all those who betrayed my father and mother, killed them out of jealousy and tried to kill me!



I told you! I told you!



We know, damn it!





A magician doesn't tell the audience the secret behind their trick but I will tell you

this, one of you has lost a daughter.

ANNA ears her phone ringing and answers the phone.



Don't tell me it’s her! My poor baby! Please don't tell me it’s her!


Anna – Anna – she's dead! The girl – the girl on the news – that was her – our poor baby!

DAMON conjures a knife and throws it towards the wall, when it hits the wall it disappears into it as if it was sinking sand and the sound of ANNA's HUSBAND gagging is heard over the phone.



Richard? Richard!


(with sinister smile)

Oh he's dead darling.



You bastard!

UMA charges at DAMON but as his red eyes glow fire rises from the ground latching itself around her like vines before engulfing her in flames and into an incinerating crisp.



Just what are you?



Your worst nightmare.

As SEBASTIAN stared into his bloodlust, crimson eyes he began to hallucinate and visualized a grotesque creature approach him, no matter how many times he blinked or rubbed his eyes it didn't disappear. He backed away until he was cornered to the wall and as he cried for help the creature ripped him to shreds. Even though it was a hallucination the members of the board could see his body being flung around and torn apart by something they couldn't see which scared them even more. Unable to cope with what he saw JACK jumped out the window though no one else was brave enough to join him, so for the rest they were gifted with hell's fiery rain which caused the whole building to melt.


It's time.

SEBASTIAN clicks his fingers and IVY appears in the BOARDROOM, she stands by the window and SEBASTIAN stands beside her.


Does it hurt?

SEBASTIAN doesn't respond and puts his hand over her eyes before pierces his other hand through her chest, taking her heart and her soul. She collapses to the floor as the building corrodes and becomes a sea of molten gold.  

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176 Reviews

Points: 2533
Reviews: 176

Sun Mar 26, 2017 4:39 pm
sheyren wrote a review...

Sheyren's Review
~of Garden of Eden~

Hey there! \(^。^ ) Shey here to review!

First off, I'd like to commend you for trying something new! Its always difficult when starting out anything, but for a first attempt, you did a pretty good job. If you ever consider writing professional scripts, there's a couple of thing your gonna need to know.

I apologize if you already knew this stuff.

First is stage direction. The simple explanation is there are 9 boxes of a stage, which have names, and are used to direct actors. They are in this order.


Downstage Left
Downstage Center
Downstage Right

Left Center
Right Center

Upstage Left
Upstage Center
Upstage Right

These are all abbreviated for simplicity. ( i. e. Downstage Left = DL). To direct the actors with these, you would say (CHARACTER XDL). That would make the character cross (hence the X) to Downstage Left. The character name and stage direction is always in capitals, and the whole thing must be in parentheses. Consider using these when writing your scripts in the future to give readers the ability to imagine where the person is going.

Another thing: All setting info is italicized. That would include the "Relentless rain slams harshly..." At the beginning, and all the like.

Dialogue should be written like this.
CHARACTER: word word word.

These are the basics of script writing. Hopefully you take this into account when writing scripts in the future. :)

Overall, wonderful script. You have a skill for script, so I hope to see more from you!


RavenBlack says...

Thank you so much! It was very difficult for me to adjust to but fun to write. Does this layout still count if it's a screenplay?

sheyren says...

As far as I am aware, yes.

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Points: 0
Reviews: 75

Sun Mar 26, 2017 2:44 am
MeisterChan wrote a review...

Hey, RavenBlack! Scythe here to do a quick review :)

This will be my first time reviewing script work, so please excuse my lack of experience.

What I liked:

1. The layout was brilliant! Well thought out and easy to read. I think where you have made the dialogue placed in the centre was a great idea, it draws attention and makes for easier reading and the directions (e.g. "Fade In") were a great way to set the scene.

What I disliked:

1. Rather than dislike, I found slight faults with the first paragraph.

Relentless rain slams harshly against the ground and against those unfortunate to be walking home. The park is deserted but IVY is sitting curled up under an apple tree. This tree stands out amongst the others as it bares red apples whereas the others bare green.

I may be mistaken, but I think screenplays are less descriptive and more strict, direct even. The first paragraph appears a little too descriptive, like story writing.

Good work! I hope this helped :)

- ScytheMeister

RavenBlack says...

Thanks so much. This is my first time writing a screenplay and I must confess I didn't do much research and our teacher didn't teach us properly either.

Thanks for the feedback :-D

I have been impressed with the urgency of doing. Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Being willing is not enough; we must do.
— Leonardo da Vinci