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16+ Language Violence

Gardens of Eden (3rd Improvement)

by RavenBlack


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

FADE IN

HANDSWORTH PARK – NIGHT

Relentless rain slams harshly against the ground and those unfortunate to be walking home. The park is deserted but IVY is sitting curled up under an apple tree. This tree stands out amongst the others, as it bares red apples whereas the others bare green.

IVY, 10 year old girl, long brown hair, wearing white knee high dress which is wet and creased. She's crying into her arms.

IVY (V.O)

This was me a year from now. My parents had died from a car crash and I was

left on the run after an assassination attempt. I had lost everything, my home,

my parents and I thought I'd lose my life - that was until a miracle happened.

DAMON walks towards IVY, he crouches down and whispers into her ear. As she listens her expression turns from melancholy to malicious. His word were like sweet poison and she smiled as he spoke them.

IVY (V.O)

He offered me revenge in exchange for my soul. And I accepted.

DAMON holds out his hand and IVY takes it.

CUT TO:

In the center of New York, a building as large as the sky and as colorful as Mother Nature opens its doors to the business men and women who worked there. GARDENS OF EDEN was a large firm that specialized in almost every market, it was the iron throne and now that its king and queen had been killed, a new king would take their place.

INT. GARDENS OF EDEN – BOARDROOM – DAY

Members of the board take their seats at the glass table in the centre of the room. They're all wearing black stylish, formal clothing. They pick up their glasses filled with champagne in front of them as the man at the head of the table stands up to make a toast.

SEBASTIAN, 40, groomed facial hair and slicked back blonde hair, CEO of GARDENS OF EDEN.

SEBASTIAN

(proudly)

Finally, the Gardens of Eden is ours! Drink up and bask in the

luxuries only kings and queens can enjoy, we've deserved it!

The members of the board cheer before take a sip of the champagne.

ANNA, 32, curly black hair styled into an afro, COO of GARDENS OF EDEN.

ANNA

(teasingly)

It took long enough.

SEBASTIAN

They're were hard to kill, I'll admit. They background in combat served them well, just not well enough!

The BOARDROOM bursts into laughter.

JACK, 37, the piercing sun bounces of his bald head creating a halo of light, member of the board of directors of GARDENS OF EDEN.

JACK

(concerned)

What about the girl?

SEBASTIAN

(scoffs)

What about her?

JACK

(worried)

She's still alive!

SEBASTIAN

(sniggering)

You behave as if she's a threat.

SEBASTIAN's secretary enters the BOARDROOM and whispers in SEBASTIAN'S ear, his brash expression turns into confusion. Then a tall lean man appears at the door and the secretary exits the room. DAMON is wearing a black suit and tie and a white pressed shirt, his fiery red eyes observes the room.

(curious)

You brought the shares?

DAMON

(offended)

Do I come across as a man who wouldn't?

SEBASTIAN

(skeptically)

Well for starters I've never heard of your company, one that you refused to

tell my secretary and I know every company there is, plus every name of

every businessman and woman yet your name doesn't ring a bell.

DAMON

(evasively)

May I take a seat?

DAMON reaches out for the chair in front of him but SEBASTIAN pushes him back forcefully.

SEBASTIAN

(viciously)

Who are you?

DAMON

(teasingly)

I can't tell you that, it'll ruin the mystery.

DAMON moves past him and takes a seat.

SEBASTIAN

(menacingly)

Give me one reason why I shouldn't call security?

DAMON

(calmly)

I can help you take care of your little problem. IVY is her name,

right?

The BOARDROOM goes into an uproar, shouting threats and demands.

SEBASTIAN

(baffled)

How-

DAMON

(facetiously)

Hold your tongues, I can't hear your prices when your all screaming at me!

ANNA

(cynically)

How do we know that your not lying to us?

DAMON

(amused, clapping)

Finally a new voice, I was getting rather bored of this one's.

SEBASTIAN scowls at DAMON.

(ordering)

Turn on the TV.

SEBASTIAN looks at him speculatively.

(tauntingly)

Come on, what do you thinks going to happen? The TV's going to blow up? Actually that's not a bad idea.

SEBASTIAN is about to press the alarm.

(hands up in surrender)

Old men are so dull. Just turn it on.

SEBASTIAN turns on the TV and live footage of IVY shaking hands with the new Vice President of NOIR, GARDEN OF EDENS rivals is shown. The BOARDROOM is in complete shock.

JACK

(frantically)

I told you! I told you she was a threat!

ANNA

(unshaken)

She knows the Vice President, so what?

DAMON

(provokingly)

That's because she's the CEO and has been for a year but has only surfaced today. And I've heard rumors that with the VP she plans to take back her parents company and expose those who unjustly took it from them. I wonder which company that is?

SEBASTIAN

(desperately)

Do it! Get rid of her!

DAMON

What do I get in return?

SEBASTIAN

Whatever you want!

DAMON

(grinning)

As you wish.

The live footage shows IVY addressing the crowd before she's shot down by an unknown source, the frantic crowd disperses and her body lays lifelessly on the ground. The BOARDROOM is overcome with a shower of peace.

SEBASTIAN

(hand against his chest)

I've never been so scared in my life.

DAMON

(laughs)

She's just a child.

SEBASTIAN

A child with power seeking vengeance. Now as promised, what is it you want?

DAMON

Vengeance.

SEBASTIAN

A common interest. On who just out of curiosity?

DAMON

(smirking)

I'll let my master tell you.

The TV switches to a candlelit room and a silhouette of someone staring directly at them. Their features are covered by darkness, so figuring out their identity was impossible.

ANNA

(annoyed)

Great another mystery, what do you take us for Sherlock Holmes?

DAMON

(mockingly)

I was thinking more Chief Wiggum.

SEBASTIAN

(demandingly, to MYSTERIOUS PERSON)

Who are you?

MYSTERIOUS PERSON

I'm the CEO of NOIR.

The MYSTERIOUS PERSON leans forward into the light revealing them to be IVY, 12. Her brown hair is short and combed back, she's wearing a black suit and tie. The BOARDROOM seems as if they'd choke on disbelief.

IVY

(bellowing)

And in response to SEBASTIAN's question, my vengeance is on all those who betrayed my father and mother, killed them out of jealousy and tried to kill me!

JACK

(frantically)

I told you! I told you!

ANNA

(annoyed)

We know, damn it!

SEBASTIAN

(perplexed)

How?

IVY

A magician doesn't tell the audience the secret behind their trick but I will tell you

this, one of you has lost a daughter.

ANNA hears her phone ringing and answers the phone.

ANNA

(sobbing)

Don't tell me its her! My poor baby! Please don't tell me its her!

ANNA'S HUSBAND (V.O)

Anna – Anna – she's dead! The girl – the girl on the news – that was her – our poor baby!

DAMON conjures a knife and throws it towards the wall, when it hits the wall it disappears into it as if it was sinking sand and the sound of ANNA's HUSBAND gagging is heard over the phone.

ANNA

(worried)

Richard? Richard!

DAMON

(with sinister smile)

Oh he's dead darling.

UMA

(angrily)

You bastard!

UMA charges at DAMON but as his red eyes glow, fire rises from the ground, latching itself around her like vines before engulfing her in flames and turning her to ash.

SEBASTIAN

(frightened)

Just what are you?

DAMON

(menacingly)

The Devil's favourite demon.

As SEBASTIAN stares into his bloodlust, crimson eyes he begins to hallucinate and visualizes a grotesque creature approach him. No matter how many times he blinked or rubbed his eyes it didn't disappear. He backed away until he was cornered to the wall and as he cried for help the creature ripped him to shreds. Even though it was an hallucination the members of the board could see his body being flung around and torn apart. Unable to cope with what he saw JACK jumped out the window though no one else was brave enough to join him, so for the rest they were gifted with hell's fiery rain which caused the whole building to melt.

IVY

It's time.

DAMON clicks his fingers and IVY appears in the BOARDROOM, she walks towards the window and SEBASTIAN stands beside her.

(fearfully)

Does it hurt?

DAMON doesn't respond and puts his hand over her eyes before pierces his other hand through her chest, taking her heart and her soul. She collapses to the floor as the building corrodes and becomes a sea of molten gold.

FADE OUT

Word Count: 1559 


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Sun Apr 30, 2017 8:03 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Hi there, RavenBlack. This is my first time taking a look at your work, though it seems you've taken a few look at it yourself!

This was me a year from now. My parents had died from a car crash and I was


A year from now refers to the future. Isn't this a flashback? You should say "a year ago".

I really love the description of the Gardens of Eden building, and the hints that you give away through dialogue that it's kind of acceptable that they killed the old owners to be the new owners. At least that's the vibe I'm getting. If it was completely illegal and they're supposed to be REALLY bad people, I would expect more secrecy and a smaller group of board room people approving, or some way to cover it up.

Well for starters I've never heard of your company, one that you refused to

tell my secretary and I know every company there is, plus every name of

every businessman and woman yet your name doesn't ring a bell.


This line doesn't work for me. If he were really so skeptical, why would he let this person in? What do they have to offer him that he'd risk all his hard earned victory to go against his knowledge and caution to have?

Ooh, and from that point to the ending I was just glued to my seat waiting for what would happen next. It's always nice to have an especially twisting surprise ending. And because I don't have any information about Ivy or her parents or any of the past, it's as if I turned a movie on to the climactic reveal scene, and that's all I got. Which is like sitting down for dinner and just eating the dessert. I like it, but I feel like something's missing. I see from the sidebar that you have something with the same title that has chapters, so I feel like you might have that backstory written somewhere already? Or perhaps it's what happens next, because I'm intrigued to know what happens to Ivy after her soul is taken -- what kind of effect does that have? I want to know more about Damon and what he's doing. Like, yeah, his abilities are cool, but why's he going around using them?

These are my reactions. I hope they're helpful to you in some way!

If you have any questions/comments about my review, please PM or leave a reply here.

Thanks for sharing,

Hannah

Image




RavenBlack says...


Thanks for the review! Yeah this was for coursework but I enjoyed writing it so much that I wanted to make it into a novel. Things are more explained in that one so you could check it out if you want :-)



Hannah says...


No problem! Awesome! I will see if I get around to it! Is it about what happens before or what happens after this scene? or both??



RavenBlack says...


It's basically the longer version of this. It starts after Damon convinces her to get revenge and so on



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Wed Apr 12, 2017 3:50 pm
BlueAfrica wrote a review...



Okay, just one comment on this, and I know it *almost* doesn't matter because it's a script, so the average person wouldn't actually be reading it, they'd be watching it. But this.

SEBASTIAN

(viciously)

Who are you?

DAMON

(teasingly)

I can't tell you that, it'll ruin the mystery.

DAMON moves past him and takes a seat.

SEBASTIAN

(menacingly)

Give me one reason why I shouldn't call security?

DAMON

(calmly)

I can help you take care of your little problem. IVY is her name,

right?


Holy mother of adverbs! I realize you have how each character says each line firmly in your head, but you know it's going to be partly up to the actors to interpret the line. Plus, some of them are obvious - like "menacingly" for "Do I have to call security?" I mean, how else would you say that line, with the way the scene is going?

I feel like, in a script, the main reason to use adjectives is if the way the line is meant is unclear - like how people can't tell whether or not you're using sarcasm in texts because there's no tone/body language to reference. So I'd look at it that way and cut out most of these, like probably all of them except the ones that help clarify what the character is feeling as s/he says the line.

Otherwise, I really enjoyed this. I feel like maybe people in the story should've questioned how a twelve-year-old became the CEO of a powerful company, but *I* don't question it because a) she has a demon on her side and b) I've read Artemis Fowl. I enjoyed Damon's character and also the way Ivy asked, at the end, if it would hurt when he took her soul. It seemed a much more peaceful thing than most TV shows make it out to be (like Supernatural, where hellhounds come and rip people apart. Yikes.) It was an interesting read!




RavenBlack says...


Thanks for the review glad you loved it :-D




The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction means.
— Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest