16+ Violence

Gardens of Eden (V.2) Chapter One

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

Note: I've re-written this story as I found that it needed a bit of a change. The first part will seem similar to those who have read it before but keep reading because I've changed a couple of things. Thanks.

P.S: Edited as of 30/5/17


IVY

Saturday 10th September 2016

Deafening silence supplanted the atmosphere; the sound of torrential rain filled its empty void. Against the blackness of the night sky, smoke painted the heavens with its polluted smell of death, cackling at the bodies left in its fiery wake.

Ivy sat curled under a red apple tree in St James Park, her head buried into her arms as she cried uncontrollably. Tears streamed down her brown cheeks and dripped off her chin, mingling with the falling rain.

Her grey and white flannel hugged her body; it was accompanied with black jeans and laced boots. Her drenched, short, curly black hair was combed back, dripping drops of water down her back. She was young, only 16 years of age but she wasn’t oblivious to death, she’d seen it many times considering her age.

A tower of cars was stacked in front of her, a monument to what had just occurred. Her family had been victims of a car crash, her included but God had deemed her life unworthy to join them in heaven and gave her the curse of surviving.

Why me? She kept asking, demanding but no one but silence answered her.

  “Ivy,” a voice whispered.

At first, Ivy thought it was Rose, her twin sister, calling her name; the voice resembled that of honey, just like Rose’s. So she smiled but then she heard the voice call to her again but this time it was more masculine, mimicking that of her brother’s – no, this voice was too menacing to be Adam’s.

She slowly raised her head, cautious but intrigued to the prospect of who it might be. But to her bewilderment, she saw a blurred image of her father crouched before her. He camouflaged with the shrouding darkness that engulfed them as if he was part of it, as if he belonged to it.

  “Father?” Ivy asked, narrowing her eyes.

  “Do I really look that old?” the figure replied taken aback.

Ivy froze at the response, this wasn’t her father he’d never make such a witty remark. She rubbed her eyes, confident it was dizziness due to the crash that was deluding her mind, and she was right. Crouching in front of her was a handsome, young man, smiling in amusement.

  “Get away from me!” Ivy screamed as she scurried to her feet and hid behind the apple tree, though she leaned out, her eyes fixated on the stranger.

The young man stood up and put his hands in his black, trench coat pockets. “If you really wanted me to go, you wouldn’t have hidden behind the tree now would you?” he said. “You would have run off like a scared kitten,” he wiggled his fingers in the air, mimicking a running cat. “You’re curious about me, aren’t you?”

Ivy scoffed at the comment but deep down she knew he was right. Without realising it, she’d been staring at his crimson eyes this entire time.

  “Who are you?” Ivy asked curiously.

  “I am the great demon, Damon!” the young man exclaimed, bowing with his arms wide open. Ivy raised her eyebrows sceptically. “And the real question you should be asking is what I can do for you.”

  “Halloween’s next month, try your getup on someone else,” she fumed before walking away, Damon huffed in annoyance.

Suddenly, in the blink of an eye Damon was in front of her, and he pinned her to the tree. Ivy felt her heart begin to pound against her chest, warning her to flee but she didn’t want to. But the question on her mind kept echoing in her head, how did get to here so quickly?

  “You shouldn’t joke about such things, naïve little girl, the world is more dangerous than your innocent eyes allow you to believe,” Damon warned. “Tell me what you want and I’ll give it to you.”

  “I don’t know what you mean,” Ivy said, her voice trembled with fear. She refused to look him in the eye and kept her head down.

Damon lifted her chin, forcing her to make eye contact with him and she felt an unreasonable shower of peace come over her. Seeing his peculiar eyes up close eliminated the doubts she had of them not being real. Just what in the world was he?

  “This car crash was no accident.”

Ivy narrowed her eyes in confusion. “You’re lying.”

  “It was planned.”

Ivy opened her mouth but couldn’t utter a single word; she was paralyzed by shock but infuriated with anger. Damon could feel her blood boil on his finger that he winced in pain and removed it.

He stared at her with bug eyes but she seemed disinterested in the strange occurrence; her mind was boggled with the thought that her parents and siblings had been murdered. This was the perfect opportunity for Damon to work his magic.

  “I don’t believe you,” Ivy said but there was doubt in her words.

  “Yes you do.”

Ivy paced back and forth, her hands pulling at her hair like a lose string on a piece of clothing. “Who would kill them? My family had no quarrel with anyone!”

  “Your parents did. They weren’t who you thought they were, Ivy.” Damon professed.

  “What do you know of my parents?” Ivy snapped, shoving Damon backwards.

  “I know that they were the most powerful people in the world.”

Ivy’s face drowned in disbelief. “What are you talking about?”

*****

Damon immediately had taken Ivy to her home in Westminster after she demanded to know her parents true identities. Her heart sunk after seeing the new found information he presented her with, to know her parents weren’t who she thought they were, was a sharp awakening. But Ivy had made her choice. A painful death was coming for the bastards who took her precious family away from her too soon

  “Ready to sign the contract?” Damon asked, breaking her thought.

  “Contract?”

Damon palmed his face in disbelief. “I’m a demon, love, I need something in return.”

Ivy gulped nervously as he summoned a yellowish brown paper and black feathered pen in his hand. He handed it to her and she read over the contents.

‘Terms of the Soul Contract with Ivy Mayne.

After completing Ivy’s revenge or whatever she wants to call it, Damon the greatest demon that ever lived, will possess and eat her tasty soul.

Agree

Or

Agree

Signature: .................................................................................................’


Her expression turned panic-stricken. “My soul?”

  “What else do you think I wanted in return, a packet of sweets? A pat on the back?” Damon said in a sardonic tone.

  “But – what happens when you – eat my soul? What happens to me?” Ivy asked, the words tasted revolting in her mouth.

  “If you’re worried about reuniting with you family, don’t, you’ll see them in the afterlife.”

Ivy took a breath of relief. “Thank goodness, I thought devoured souls wonder in limbo for eternity.”

  “You humans know nothing,” Damon laughed with stony eyes.

Ivy’s hand quivered over the paper. Her heart wasn’t fully in this, she was afraid, afraid to die. Damon impatiently tapped his feet as she questioned her decision. Living meant suffering alone, without a purpose, without anyone to call family or home. Death was the only way to be free of the curse God had bestowed upon her; it was the only way to be reunited with her family.

  "Come on, love - I don't have all day!" Damon moaned.

  "This doesn't feel right," Ivy whimpered.

  "Nothing in this world feels right but you won't know until you do it," Damon lectured but Ivy still wasn't convinced. "What would your father say?"

How did he know what her father would say? How did he know how to persuade her like this?

She looked at her saviour, his pale skin was painted with streaks of blood which complimented his crimson eyes and his blonde hair was shaved into a buzzcut. “This will get me my revenge?”

  “And much more.”

Ivy took a deep breath and signed the contract, handing her soul to the Devil. The stars marked this precarious event, dancing and laughing within the blanket of the night.

  “Now what?”

  “I’m at your disposal, Master,” Damon bowed.

The word ‘master’ sent chills through her spine, unlocking memories she didn’t want to remember.

  “Just call me Ivy.”

*****

IVY

Thursday 15th December 2016

  “It took me three months to get here,” Ivy said, twirling a golden hilted knife in her fingers. She sat on a wooden chair, towering over a naked body.

In contrast to his bareness, she was drenched in black. She wore a long jacket, blouse and slim trousers; on her feet were combat boots. Neatly folded on the floor was a pile of luxurious clothing: a blue Boss Hugo light coat, a black Dolce & Gabbana shirt and white Julius slim trousers.

  “Three months to become what my father taught me to be: ‘a God among men’, Master to the slave,” she smiled amusingly at the boy lying in the glass table.

The boy was young, the same age as her. He tried to respond but his words were muffled with the belt wrapped around his mouth. His tanned skin was decorated with scars and an old wound, behind his right ear was a rose tattoo and his hair was once jazzy quiff was wet with sweat.

Ivy put a finger to his lips. “I know we’ve come to an understanding, you and me – but you’re his son and I made a promise.”

She stood up and covered her hands with latex gloves, his eyes filled with horror and lust as she ran the tip of the knife down his chest, splitting his skin open, blood oozing from the cut.

  “One last time?” Ivy asked sultrily and he arched in response, a sweet moan escaping from his lips.

Comments & reviews · 3
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Hi, AlyTheBookworm here for a quick (EDIT: oops, not so quick) review!
Gonna go over what I think you should work on and what I liked.

First off, I think your big problem is description. You seem to love double adjectives and big words- or similes that aren't at all related to the idea. I struggled with the same things before my brother (a journalist and editor) read my stuff and gave me some much-needed advice. Still do.

It's sad, but sometimes you need to cut the description to keep only what's necessary and contributes to a theme/idea/point. An example is "brown, bruised cheeks". "Bruised" is good because it hints at the fact she was hurt, which is important for the reader to know. "Brown" is unnecessary and doesn't serve a purpose here. It also messes up the flow of the sentence, and double adjectives are not too fun to read. It's completely fine to leave some details up to the reader's imagination, so just focus on the most defining and important details in your description.

An example on unrelated metaphors is "Her grey and white flannel hugged her body like a mother holding its child; it was accompanied with black jeans and laced boots." Comparing Ivy's clothes to a comforting mother doesn't really do anything for the story. Unless you're trying to say Ivy's only comfort is her clothes or something- but really, this comparison is unnecessary and distracts from the story. Also here's some unrelated advice: We don't really need to know all the details of her clothing. I would just take out this whole sentence or maybe tie the description into some action like "she shivered in her thin flannel shirt".

Another thing I've noticed. You have a lot of sentences that are connected by commas but have no conjunctions. Example: "Ivy froze at the response, this wasn’t her father he’d never make such a witty remark." The word "father" jumps straight to "He'd". This should be two sentences. The comma after response should also be a period. That or put some conjunctions in there. Otherwise, your sentences won't flow and won't sound right.

Okay, some small things now!

"Deafening silence supplanted the atmosphere; the sound of torrential rain filled its empty void."
You said there was deafening silence, but then mentioned the sound of "torrential rain"..

"Her tears streamed down her brown, bruised cheeks and pooled in her lap, she wasn’t even sure if they were her tears or the rain.."
"Pooled in her lap" gives me a weird picture. Wouldn't the tears just soak into her clothes? And who cries so much that it creates a "pool" of tears? I also feel that the last part "she wasn't even sure if they were tears or the rain" is redundant since you've already told us that they are tears ("they" refers to the subject, "her tears"). I would rewrite it as, "Tears streamed down her bruised cheeks and dripped off her chin, mingling with the falling rain."

"A tower of cars was stacked in front of her, a momentum to what had just occurred."
I think you meant monument.

"Crouching in front of her was a young handsome man, smiling at her in amusement."
There's an order of adjectives (helps make a list of adjectives sound right). "Handsome" should go before "young". Also I'd change "at her in amusement" to "in amusement". You've already used the word "her" a lot and once in the same sentence.

I think Ivy's whole attitude towards Damon is weird. Instead of asking for help (which I think is a realistic reaction to seeing someone after being the only survivor of a car accident) she acts first "curious" and "intrigued". Then she acts annoyed at him, "scoffs" at something he says, and runs away to hide. He's a "handsome", "young", and "smiling" man. Why does she run away instead of asking for help or something? That reminds me. So far, she's been hanging around under a tree and crying- not looking for help. She might be in shock, but if that's so, you don't show this well enough and she'd be too shocked to talk to Damon in this way.

"What! His words felt like someone had stabbed her, over and over again, enslaving her to an eternity of pain."
That's a... strong reaction. xD
I think a more realistic reaction would be simple confusion. Damon hasn't even said it was planned yet, and Ivy has only had about a second to think about what he's said. This was a bit too dramatic. She apparently wasn't "enslaved to an eternity of pain" after her family died and she was left alone. But after some stranger said "it wasn't an accident", she is?

"“She was the religious one out the family,” Ivy remembered. “But her God didn’t save her, no matter how much she devoted her life to him,” she spat."
A second ago she was asking God for help but now she's acting bitter and saying that God couldn't save Rose? Maybe be a bit more clear about how Ivy views God and her sister, because I had gotten the impression that she admired Rose.

"But to know her parents true colours was a sharp awakening. She’d always believed her mother to be a kind and sweet hearted woman; she was nothing of the sort. But her father, she knew his true nature from the beginning."
Damon said they were powerful, but he never said anything negative about them. What are the "true colors" that Ivy is talking about? I still have no idea why her parents were bad- or even if they were.

Okay-whew! Done with my nitpicking and criticism!

Here's a pat on the back for you and some well-earned praise (because writing is far from easy). Despite said nitpicking and criticism, I really did love the idea of this. The premise of a contract with a demon is intriguing and I'm really curious to see what comes from it. The last few paragraphs caught my attention and I'll definitely be waiting for the next chapter to find out what that was all about. The analogies and describing details you come up with are interesting, unique, and awesome when you use them in the right places and in the right way.

So uh- yeah. I hope this helps you out, and keep writing. :)
-AlyTheBookworm

Thanks for the review, I didn't notice these things till you pointed it out. Thanks a lot!

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AlyTheBookworm
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oops- ignore this

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Featherstone
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Hello! Fea back to review!

"Deafening silence supplanted the atmosphere; the sound of torrential rain filled its empty void. Against the blackness of the night sky, smoke painted the heavens with its polluted smell of death, cackling at the bodies left in its fiery wake."

LOVE IT! Very descriptive, nice job!

"Her tears streamed down her brown, bruised cheeks and pooled in her lap, she wasn’t even sure if they were her tears or the rain.."

Hm, that comma between 'lap' and 'she' seems a bit clunky...maybe "pooled in her lap. She wasn't..."

"Suddenly, in the blink of an eye Damon was in front of her, and he pinned her to the tree." I hesitate to say 'suddenly'. As they say, show, don't tell, and suddenly is usually telling instead of showing. I don't think it is necessary here and would remove it so it reads "In the blink of an eye Damon..."

"But the question on her mind kept echoing in her head, how did get to here so quickly?" The comma should be a colon: "...head: how did he get here so quickly?"

"Damon could feel her blood boil on his finger that he winced in pain and removed it." The 'that' is off. Maybe use a 'so'?

"Suddenly, an apple fell from the tree and landed in Damon’s hand." Since you said 'hand' two lines ago, I would suggest saying 'fingers' or something similar.

"She took the red apple out of his hand and took a huge bite, its sweet juicy drooling from her lips." Though there isn't anything wrong with this sentence, I might suggest saying 'blood red' or 'crimson' or even 'scarlet' apple, just to be more descriptive. I think it might also be a good idea to liken it to the color of blood.

"“Thank goodness, I thought devoured souls wonder in limbo for eternity.” Wonder is awe; wander is meandering aimlessly, which I think is what you were going for.

What did Damon show her? I'd really like to know, and I feel like the transition is very clunky.

"She looked at her saviour, his pale skin was painted with streaks of blood which complimented his crimson eyes and his blonde hair was shaved into a buzzcut." Again, the comma doesn't feel right. Maybe us a dash? "She looked at her savior - his pale skin was..."

OH DARN SHE GOT VIOLENT. Whoa. Dude, that like...holy crap. I think she should join the evil club.

All in all, I liked this version better than the last one; I just think as a whole it was better written - more descriptive, the grammar was better, etc.

Nice job!

~ Knight Feather (Yes, my name changed, but it's still me)

I'm glad you liked this one, I felt it was better to re-write it. I've got so much trouble with showing not telling, but i'll get there. Thanks again

No problem! If you ever want help, just ask me and it'll be my pleasure to aid you



Education is education. We should learn everything and then choose which path to follow. Education is neither Eastern or Western; it is human.
— Malala