z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Gardens of Eden: Chapter 2: Part 2

by RavenBlack


The sound of the engine starting before bolting off left Ivy feeling empty and lonely, for once in her life she had to start something alone. Being a twin you had the benefit of already having a friend but now she had to make one.

She walked up the drive and entered through the revolving doors, a sea of fresh faces following behind her, though it seemed that some knew each other. Barriers stopped them from entering any further but the students who possessed their ID cards swiped them against it and were permitted access, Ivy being one of them.

But one boy and his company were allowed access without their ID card; the security guard nervously opened the disabled barrier for them. The leader wore navy blue Boss Hugo light coat, a black Dolce & Gabbana shirt and black Julius slim trousers. His brown eyes wore an authoritative gaze and his black hair was faded on the sides while the remainder was styled in a jazzy quiff. His skin was tanned and he had a rose tattoo behind his left ear.

They flocked down to the canteen where they were greeted with curious stares by the second year students. But most of the stares were on Ivy, followed by whispers.

“Isn’t she the girl on the news...the one that died...her family died in a car crash right?” the whispers said.

Ivy could hear them, the irritating sound pounded against her ears like the beating of a drum. She wanted silence or at least a more soothing sound. So she sat at one of the tables and put her earphones in her ears but before she could choose a song, a boy came up to her.

“Are you Rose Mayne?” he asked curiously.

Hearing her sister’s name ignited a fire of pain within her heart, melting away at her interior and causing her eyes become watery.

“No,” Ivy muttered.

“Sorry, I didn’t hear-”

“No,” Ivy repeated in an assertive tone.

“But you look just like her?” he pestered.

“Do I?” Ivy said sarcastically. “I didn’t notice.”

The boy who was giving access grinned amused at her remark.

“Okay, no need to be rude,” the boy said as he scowled at her and Ivy returned the expression.

The clock turned to 9 o’ clock and the crowd dispersed to their classes, the 1st years taking longer than the 2nd years to do so.

*****

Damon leaned next to his motorcycle that he ‘borrowed’ on an abandoned street, patiently waiting. The street was full of derelict houses and dug-up roads, lampposts were knocked down and some bent over like an unravelled paperclip. Weeds grew were once blooming flowers had lost hope, replaced with thorns and rotting petals. There were animals lurking about but only the ghosts of the dead and the carcasses they left behind. This was home to Damon.

Suddenly, the ground opened, swallowing everything in the street into its dark abyss. Damon walked fearlessly towards it; finally what he’d been waiting for was here. Grey, rotten wings came into view, feathers falling off like leaves on an autumn tree. Then a head, which was covered with white strands of hair, dotted over their scalp. Their feminine features revealed it to be a she.

She held herself with grace although her appearance was the later. Her pink lips were thin and cracked; her blue eyes cold but hid a beauty within that she’d kept locked away for a long time. Wrinkles sat underneath her eyes and scars decorated her cheeks. She wore a dress of black feathers that concealed her shame underneath.

When the ground closed up behind her, Damon embraced her tightly, neither wanting to let the other go.

“I’ve missed you,” she said softly.

“I’ve missed you too, Belial,” Damon said back.

They let go of each other and she gave him a despondent smile making Damon worried. “Was it that bad?”

“They trained me, unlocked and tamed the darkness I ignited but this-” she pointed at herself, disgusted by her appearance. “This happened by itself.”

“Belial, you’re as beautiful as ever,” Damon complimented half-heartedly.

“Don’t lie to me Damon, please, your my only friend,” she begged.

Damon held her hands in comfort but his words were stern. “This is your curse Belial. You betrayed God, you abandoned the light and this is your punishment. You must learn to live with it.” He nudged her cheek with his fist. “Being evil isn’t all that bad, it had its perks,” he teased. “Now stop sulking, you don’t want to show the other demons your weakness.”

Belial took a breath in and a shower of peace overcame her. “Right. What is it you wanted? Why did you call me here?”

“I need you to get something for me.”


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Sun Apr 30, 2017 2:16 am
Steggy wrote a review...



Hello, Dino here for a short review!

I haven't read the previous chapters so if I do get anything wrong, let me know! Right of the bat, I think you have a nice opening. However, I feel it doesn't open up completely. In fact, it feels a bit awkward in my opinion.

The sound of the engine starting before bolting off left Ivy feeling empty and lonely, for once in her life she had to start something alone. Being a twin you had the benefit of already having a friend but now she had to make one.


I think the part where it says "she would have to do something alone", you kind of show that when she is being lonely.

But one boy and his company were allowed access without their ID card; the security guard nervously opened the disabled barrier for them. The leader wore navy blue Boss Hugo light coat, a black Dolce & Gabbana shirt and black Julius slim trousers. His brown eyes wore an authoritative gaze and his black hair was faded on the sides while the remainder was styled in a jazzy quiff. His skin was tanned and he had a rose tattoo behind his left ear.


I'm kind of curious as to see who these people might be and what part they have in this novel.

I like the character description you have on Damon and Belial. From just reading this, I can tell Damon is a rebellious boy and Belial is subconscious about herself. Also I enjoy your description about the street. I'll have to read the previous chapters but I'm interested in seeing what this world is like. What I mean by that is where does this take place? I think it could be helpful to mention it somewhere in this chapter.

Overall, this was a nice chapter and you have a good cast of characters within it.

If you have any questions, let me know!

Dino




RavenBlack says...


Thanks so much. I'm glad you like it after just reading a small section :-)

For the part when you said that it feels a bit awkward, do you mean I should show and not tell, I usually have a problem with that.



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Fri Apr 28, 2017 6:33 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Hmmmmm. I don't know how I feel about Damon having a lady friend. But then I guess demons of ambiguous morals can't be sass and snark all the time.

I thought it was funny a lady demon would be all disgusted with her appearance, but it made more sense to me once we found out she's actually a fallen angel - and it seems like a recent on, at that. But watch out for this!

Damon held her hands in comfort but his words were stern. “This is your curse Belial. You were the Archangel of Beauty, one of the most powerful and respected angels in heaven. But you betrayed God, you abandoned the light and this is your punishment. You must learn to live with it.” He nudged her cheek with his fist. “Being evil isn’t all that bad, it had its perks,” he teased. “Now stop sulking, you don’t want to show the other demons your weakness.”


This reads suuuuuuuuuuper awkwardly because it's very unrealistic for Damon to say all this to Belial. They both know who she used to be and why she isn't that archangel now. So it kind of screams "HERE IS SOME BACKSTORY ABOUT THIS NEW CHARACTER." I know we need to know this eventually, but don't worry! We don't need it all right this minute. Plus, if you just give us hints about Belial for now, it makes us curious and wanting to read more. Something like this.

Damon held her hands in comfort but his words were stern. “This is your curse Belial. You must learn to live with it.” He nudged her cheek with his fist. “Being evil isn’t all that bad, it had its perks,” he teased. “Now stop sulking, you don’t want to show the other demons your weakness.”


That way, we get enough of her backstory to interest us, but it leaves some questions open for later and also helps the dialogue feel more realistic.




RavenBlack says...


Thanks so much! I kinda of wanted to show Damon's lighter and kinder side because he's always sarcastic. But thanks for the help! :-D




To be absolutely certain about something, one must know everything or nothing about it.
— Olin Miller