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Gardens of Eden (Improved)

by RavenBlack


FADE IN

HANDSWORTH PARK – NIGHT

Relentless rain slams harshly against the ground and those unfortunate to be walking home. The park is deserted but IVY is sitting curled up under an apple tree. This tree stands out amongst the others, as it bares red apples whereas the others bare green.

IVY, 10 year old girl, long brown hair, wearing white knee high dress which is wet and creased. She's crying into her arms.

IVY (V.O)

This was me a year from now. My parents had died from a car crashand I was

left on the run after an assassination attempt. I had lost everything, my

home, my parents and I thought I'd lose my life - that was until a miracle happened.

A YOUNG MAN walks towards IVY, he crouches down and whispers into her ear. As she listensher expression turns from melancholy to malicious. His word were like sweet poison and she smiled as he spoke them.

IVY (V.O)

And my life changed.

The YOUNG MAN holds out his hand and IVY takes it.

CUT TO:

In the center of New York a building as large as the sky and as colorful as Mother Nature, opens its doors to the business men and women who worked there. GARDENS OF EDEN was a large firm that specialized in almost every market, it was the iron throne and now that its king and queen had been killed, a new king would take their place.

INT. GARDENS OF EDEN – BOARDROOM – DAY

Members of the board take their seats at the glass table, they all are wearing black stylish, formal clothing. They pick up the glasses filled with champagnein front of them as the man at the head of the table stands up to make a toast.

SEBASTIAN, 40, groomed facial hair and slicked back blonde hair, CEO of GARDENS OF EDEN.

SEBASTIAN

(proudly)

Finally, the Gardens of Eden is ours! Drink up and bask in the

luxuries only kings and queens can enjoy, we've deserved it!

The members of the board take a sip of the champagne.

ANNA, 32, curly black hair styled into an afro, COO of GARDENS OF EDEN.

ANNA

(teasingly)

It took long enough.

SEBASTIAN

(jokingly)

I thought we'd had to wait for them die!

The BOARDROOM bursts into laughter.

JACK, 37, the piercing sun bounces of his bald head creating a halo of light, member of the board of directors of GARDENS OF EDEN.

JACK

(concerned)

What about the girl?

SEBASTIAN

(scoffs)

What about her?

JACK

(worried)

She's still alive!

SEBASTIAN

(sniggering)

You behave as if she's a threat.

A woman enters the BOARDROOM and whispers in SEBASTIAN'S ear, his brash expression turns into confusion. A tall lean man appears at the door and the woman exits the room, he's wearing a black suit and tie, his fiery red eyes observes the room.

(curious)

You brought the shares?

DAMON

(offended)

Do I come across as a man who wouldn't?

SEBASTIAN

(skeptically)

Well for starters I've never heard of your company, one that you refused to

tell my co-worker and I know every company there is,plus every name of

every businessman and woman yet your name doesn't ring a bell.

DAMON

(evasively)

May I take a seat?

DAMON reaches out for the chair in front of him but SEBASTIAN pushes him back forcefully.

SEBASTIAN

(viciously)

Who are you?

DAMON

(teasingly)

I can't tell you that, it'll ruin the mystery.

DAMON moves past him and takes a seat.

SEBASTIAN

(menacingly)

Give me one reason why I shouldn't call security?

DAMON

(calmly)

I can help you take care of your little problem. IVY is her name,

right?

The BOARDROOM goes into an uproar, shouting threats and demands.

SEBASTIAN

(baffled)

How-

DAMON

(facetiously)

Hold your tongues, I can't hear your prices when your all screaming at me!

ANNA

(cynically)

How do we know that your not lying to us?

DAMON

(amused, clapping)

Finally a new voice, I was getting rather bored of this one's.

SEBASTIAN scowls at DAMON.

(ordering)

Turn on the TV.

SEBASTIAN looks at him speculatively.

(tauntingly)

Come on, what do you thinks going to happen? The TV's going to blow up? Actually that's not a bad idea.

SEBASTIAN is about to press the alarm.

(hands up in surrender)

I'm joking, I'm joking. Just turn it on.

SEBASTIAN turns on the TV and live footage of IVY shaking hands with the new Vice President of NOIR, GARDEN OF EDENS rivals is shown. The BOARDROOM is in complete shock.

JACK

(frantically)

I told you! I told you she was a threat!

ANNA

(unshaken)

She knows the Vice President, so what?

DAMON

(provokingly)

That's because she's the CEO and has been for a year but has only surfaced today.And I've heard rumors that with the VP she plans to take back her parents company and expose those who unjustly took it from them. I wonder which company that is?

SEBASTIAN

(desperately)

Do it! Get rid of her!

DAMON

What do I get in return?

SEBASTIAN

Whatever you want!

DAMON

(grinning)

As you wish.

The live footage shows IVY addressing the crowd before she's shot down by an unknown source, the frantic crowd disperses and her body lays lifelessly on the ground. The BOARDROOM is overcome with a shower of peace.

SEBASTIAN

(hand against his chest)

I've never been so scared in my life.

DAMON

(laughs)

She's just a child.

SEBASTIAN

A child with power seeking vengeance. Now as promised, what is it you want?

DAMON

Vengeance.

SEBASTIAN

A common interest. On who just out of curiosity?

DAMON

(smirking)

I'll let my master tell you.

The TV switches to acandlelit room and a silhouette of someone staring directly atthem. Their features were not highlighted so figuring out their identity was impossible.

ANNA

(annoyed)

Great another mystery, what do you take us for Sherlock Holmes?

DAMON

(mockingly)

I was thinking more Chief Wiggum.

SEBASTIAN

(demandingly, to MYSTERIOUS PERSON)

Who are you?

MYSTERIOUS PERSON

I'm the CEO of NOIR.

The MYSTERIOUS PERSON leans forward into the light revealing them to be IVY, 12. Her black hair is short and combed back, she's wearing a black suit and tie. The BOARDROOM seems as if they'd choke on disbelief which IVY would be ecstatic if they did.

IVY

(bellowed)

And in response to SEBASTIAN's question, my vengeance is on all those who betrayed my father and mother, killed them out of jealousy and tried to kill me!

JACK

(frantically)

I told you! I told you!

ANNA

(annoyed)

We know, damn it!

SEBASTIAN

(perplexed)

How?

IVY

A magician doesn't tell the audience the secret behind their trick but I will tell you

this,one of you has lost a daughter.

ANNA ears her phone ringing and answers the phone.

ANNA

(sobbing)

Don't tell me its her! My poor baby! Please don't tell me its her!

ANNA'S HUSBAND(V.O)

Anna – Anna – she's dead! The girl – the girl on the news – that was her – our poor baby!

DAMON conjures a knife and throws it towards the wall, when it hits the wall it disappears into it as if it was sinking sand and the sound of ANNA's HUSBAND gagging is heard over the phone.

ANNA

(worried)

Richard? Richard!

DAMON

(with sinister smile)

Oh he's dead darling.

UMA

(angrily)

You bastard!

UMA charges at DAMON but as his red eyes glowfire rises from the ground latching itself around her like vines before engulfing her in flames and into an incinerating crisp.

SEBASTIAN

(frightened)

Just what are you?

DAMON

(menacingly)

Your worst nightmare.

As SEBASTIAN stared into his bloodlust, crimson eyes he began to hallucinate and visualized a grotesque creature approach him, no matter how many times he blinked or rubbed his eyes it didn't disappear. He backed awayuntil he was cornered to the wall and as he cried for help the creature ripped him to shreds. Even though it was an hallucination the members of the board could see his body being flung around and torn apart by something they couldn't see which scared them even more. Unable to cope with what he saw JACK jumped out the window though no one else was brave enough to join him, so for the rest they were gifted with hell's fiery rain which caused the whole building to melt.

IVY

It's time.

SEBASTIAN clicks his fingers and IVY appears in the BOARDROOM, she stands by the window and SEBASTIAN stands beside her.

(distressed)

Does it hurt?

SEBASTIAN doesn't respond and puts his hand over her eyes before pierces his other hand through her chest, taking her heart and her soul. She collapses to the floor as the building corrodes and becomes a sea of molten gold. 


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14 Reviews


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Tue Nov 07, 2017 12:22 am
noelani2004 says...



Very good, I like this a script. Is it a play.




RavenBlack says...


No it's a screenplay



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14 Reviews


Points: 490
Reviews: 14

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Tue Nov 07, 2017 12:20 am
noelani2004 says...






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Thu Mar 23, 2017 1:56 am
erilea wrote a review...



Heya, RavenBlack! Lupa here for a short review! :D Let's begin, alright?

1) "This was me a year from now." I assume you're talking about the past, but in this sentence it sounds like you're looking into the future. Perhaps, "This was me a year ago" would work better in this context.

2) "They pick up the glasses filled with champagnein front of them as the man at the head of the table stands up to make a toast." You have slight issue with spelling a word here--it should be champagne, not champagnein.

3) "SEBASTIAN

(jokingly)

I thought we'd had to wait for them die!

The BOARDROOM bursts into laughter."

Maybe it's just me, but I don't get how this is funny at all. Is this some sort of inside joke between Sebastian and the boardroom? If it is, please make it clear to the reader. I got confused as to why this was funny.

4) You change tenses a lot in the middle of the piece. For most of it, you're speaking in present tense, but sometimes you switch to past tense. I'd suggest you keep it constant, so it doesn't disrupt the flow of the story.

5) The use of commas in your piece is also kind of weird. There are some places where you don't need commas at all, but you put them there; there are also places where you need a period instead of a comma, but you use the latter instead. If there are unnecessary pauses or places where pause is held for too long, you know what to do to change it. Reading it out loud would help. :)

6) The ending is extremely dark, but I have no idea what you're trying to say the characters are doing. What does Sebastian do to Ivy at the end? Who's talking after the word (distressed)? There's little explanation and no reasons for the characters doing what they're doing. Honestly, I don't get why Ivy or Damon appeared in the first place. There's a lot of unanswered questions in this script.

I promised to make this short, but it didn't turn out that way. XD Anyway, I hope this review helped! While I did find some nitpicks, your idea is quite good and I would like to see it elaborated upon. Keep writing!

XOX,
Lupa22




RavenBlack says...


Thank you so much! Sorry for responding late, i haven't checked this in a while.

At the end, that was a typo error, It was meant to be Damon not Sebastian and he takes her soul after they signed a contract at the beginning when he met her. But that wasn't mentioned so I understand the confusion.

Honestly, i can tell this is rushed, I didn't put much effort into it. I've never written a script before so this was new for me.

Thanks again.



erilea says...


You did a good job writing a script nevertheless! :D You're welcome!



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22 Reviews


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Mon Mar 20, 2017 11:30 am
Ferruccio1234567 wrote a review...



Hi! This is my asap review.
Firstly, the story is a bit strange - it seems too long. Maybe you could make the paragraphs thicker, and make it more clearer who the bold font is referring to.
The only thing I can complain about is the writing - I couldn't even be bothered to read it fully. To make it more interesting, then I recommend reading "Harry Potter and the Cursed Child (script edition)" because the story can only probably be read by a professional film director, as you used attenuated terminology even though simple vocabulary was sufficient.
Anyway, the storyline is a bit confusing - the likely impro could be the way of writing, seeing things as a third-person narrator, instead of a fourth-person stalker.
I hope you read this and sorry if it's too harsh :(
ASAP review :)




RavenBlack says...


Thank you so much! No need to apologize I need the harsh criticism, my teacher isn't really helping much. Thanks :-D




I tell the neophyte: Write a million words–the absolute best you can write, then throw it all away and bravely turn your back on what you have written. At that point, you’re ready to begin.
— David Eddings