Edited: 24/6/17
SEBASTIAN
Friday 16th December 2016
Grey painted the morning sky, promising a downpour of rain. Sebastian ruffled his black hair as he looked through his window at the bleak setting. He wore grey pants and was leanly built.
“I hate British weather,” he moaned before going into the bathroom and getting himself ready for the day.
When he came downstairs he was greeted by the maid who was setting out his breakfast. She was so distracted by his good looks that she nearly spilt the tea. Sebastian was the type of man who looked better as he aged, at 40 he still had women swooning over him. He prided himself in his groomed facial hair and classic style; making sure he looked the part before he left the house every morning, using the maids’ reaction as conformation.
“Good morning, Charlotte,” he greeted, flashing a smile.
“Good morning, sir,” she replied, smiling shyly.
“Anything in the mail?”
“Yes, sir. A rather heavy package came for you.” Sebastian eyes caught the large brown parcel sitting in the hallway.
“And Matthew, when did he come back, he said he’ll be home late.”
“He didn’t, sir.”
Sebastian’s face went pale with horror. “What do you mean he didn’t?”
Charlotte set the plate of hash browns, fried egg and beans in front of him. “I don’t know what to say sir.”
“He hasn’t contacted?”
“No, sir.”
Sebastian clenched his fists tightly. “Call Sergeant Evans.”
Charlotte immediately ran out the room and came back with an IPhone 7. Sebastian snatched the phone from her grasp and answered the call.
“Can I help you, sir?” the voice asked.
“What’s your job, Sergeant?”
“Is this a trick question, sir.”
“Answer the bloody question!”
Silence. “To protect the citizens from harm and bring order and justice to the streets of London-”
“My order and my justice, you mean,” Sebastian reminded.
Silence. “Of course.”
“So why aren’t my orders being followed?”
“I don’t understand-”
“My son is missing, Jeffrey! How could that be when I order you to watch over him?”
“We were watching him, sir, but then he went off the radar,” Sergeant Evans explained.
Sebastian smacked the cup of tea with the back of his hand, causing it to crash into little piece of glass and stain the white floor. Charlotte who was standing behind him, jolted in fright. “And you didn’t bother to inform me of this?”
“I didn’t want to frighten you-”
“You didn’t want to frighten-” he quoted jeeringly. “Find him, Jeffrey, or I’ll replace you just as easily as I did the last!”
Sebastian ended the call and threw the phone on the table. He wasn’t in the mood to eat; his worries were too high for that.
“Clean this up!” he yelled at Charlotte, who didn’t hesitant to take out his orders.
He collected his bag and fixed himself as he looked in the mirror on the wall in the hallway. The butler gave him a knife to open the package. As he cut through it, the hairs on his arm stood on its end, a whisk of cold air swept through his body.
“What’s wrong, sir,” the butler asked.
“It’s like someone walked over my grave.
He opened the two flaps and covered his mouth in shock at what his eyes were cursed to see.
*****
“Are you sure it’s him?” the woman asked as she looked at the deformed body laid out in front of them.
Even though they were in a dim lit room, her beauty was as radiant as ever, which he’d admit to if he wasn’t so arrogant. Like him, she prided herself in fashion which was evident in her choice of clothing: a golden velvet suit and trousers with floral prints, brown blouse and golden stilettoes. Her brown and golden curls were styled into an afro, complimenting her caramel skin which was painted with nude make-up.
“Goddammit Mya, I know my own child.” Sebastian fished a note out of his pocket. “A note came with it.”
Mya took the piece of paper and read it aloud. “Soon Gods will become men. Signed Ivy.” She crunched up the note and threw it to the floor. “She’s her father’s daughter alright, short and straight to the point.”
“Matthew,” Sebastian said, choking on his words. His hands trembled as he traced the wounds and scars across his body. “That bitch! She’ll pay for this!”
“We need to tell the others,” Mya advised.
“No, they don’t need to know, not yet.”
“But-”
“I said no, Mya!” Sebastian roared and Mya reluctantly went silent. She clenched her fists in anger. She hated being silenced, hated being told what to do. That’ll all change soon.
Sebastian put his hand on his chin. “She needs to be eliminated.”
Mya smiled devilishly. “Easy. We kill her just like we did her parents.”
A flash of light burst through the room, blinding their vision. But when the light dimmed they stood astounded by what was in front of them. A young, beautiful oriental woman stood before them. She was dressed in white garments that radiated a heavenly glow. Her hair was pure as snow, rustling majestically like leaves in the wind.
“I can help with that,” she suggested and Mya and Sebastian gave the other a dumbfounded glance as she smiled sweetly.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
So I've been hanging around the back of the Green Room for a bit before Review Day and found your novel!
The moment I saw the fact that Sebastian grew more good-looking the older he got, I knew that was gonna be vain about this. And he isn't a great person either. He's kinda short-tempered and brutal and selfish. But his looks cover up, so...Yup, this is probably all because of money, right?
One thing I wanted to point out was that the dialogue is rather talking-heads. Because much of dialogue is comprised in just lines of talk without any tags, the dialogue sounds rushed and it feels as though the characters' heads are floating in the air and talking. I'd suggest adding more tags--not always said tags, but also action beats. For example,
can become
(This is a far from adequate but I think you get the meaning)
I also feel as if this chapter needs a little more subtlety here. For example, since we're in Sebastian's POV, he won't think himself greedy or arrogant, right? If he's arrogant, you can show that with his inner monologue he thinks that he's more important than he actually is. Another thing I'd suggest adding more subtlety is in the dialogue. The characters seem to be REALLY straightforward; in real life though, that wouldn't be exactly the case. Especially in the case with him and Myra. Her stating the fact that she can swoop in and get his kingdom is a little too blunt, don't you think? So I'd suggest not being overly blunt and to-the-point (but not too vague) in the chapter because the reader can understand even with a little subtlety.
So the woman comes along and says "I can help you!". Obviously she's no angel. I'm thinking she's something else...evil. I'm a little confused, though, as to whom Sebastian is trying to kill. Since Ivy and his daughter are both "she"s and "her"s, I'm not sure who he and Myra are plotting the death for.
I hope this helped. Let me know if you have any questions. Happy writing!
Thanks for the review. I edited it today, you can read it if you want. Would really appreciate the help
Wow, so when I read about how Sebastian had aged well and gauged how good he looked by his maid's reaction, I tooooootally rolled my eyes, but then as I kept reading I decided that was exactly how I was supposed to react! He's obviously not meant to be an admirable person, even though he clearly thinks he is.
That said, I think his reaction to finding out his son has been killed and mutilated was kind of off. It's fine for him to be upset that Matthew failed to kill Ivy, but, like, dude. Your son just died. Are you not even a little bit sad at all? Are you not even a little bit angry at Ivy for killing him rather than just at him for not killing her?
I forget if I've mentioned this in any other chapters, but your dialogue gets to be too spot-on in places.
*Okay, I was going to quote a specific spot, but my mouse is doing something weird where it won't let me see the cursor anywhere on the Internet (ANNOYING), so I can't actually copy it here. But ANYWAY, pretend that I'm quoting your chapter, and pretend it's the spot about "we have to tell the others"/"no, I don't want them getting ideas"/"what, you think I don't have ideas?"/"yes, I know, but we need each other."
Okay. Okay? Moving on.
We don't need to know all of this right now, and it's odd that the characters would be so open about this kind of issue with each other.
"I'm worried the others will try to usurp me!"
"I'd probably try to usurp you, but I won't since we need each other."
It's too on-the-nose. Plus it takes tension out of the scene! The tension here would come from the fact that Mya and Sebastian both know that she would absolutely stab him in the back if she had the chance, but they have to work together anyway, so they're not going to mention the fact that they're actually kind of enemies. Frenemies? Whatever. My point is, laying it all out nice and neat in the open like that removes the tension, because they're acknowledging their weird, complicated relationship. If they don't do that, then we're never sure if one of them is about to betray the other, we're never sure who's going to come out on top, or maybe neither of them is going to come out on top because Ivy's gonna get them. Plus with this demon (is she a demon?) arriving on the scene, we have to wonder if she's going to play them against each other for her own ends.
Thanks for the review. I kept wondering if I should keep the dialogue that you highlighted, it seemed a bit off. But now that you pointed it out I understand why. Thanks