Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
Emailing was such an old fashioned trait, but Tiffany was pulling out all the stops for Gary. If she was going to go through with adopting out their baby, she didn't want him to get an ugly surprise eighteen years later, after he's long forgotten about her. She opened up her computer in the middle of her living room floor, sitting indian style with the computer in her lap. The fringed rug gentle tickled the underneath of her short, chubby thighs, the only thing she hated about her body.
She had been staring at the blank email page for five minutes or so. Should she just release everything she needed to say in an email and see how he reacts? But, what if he didn't answer the email? What if he thought she was joking? Sweat was beading along her forehead, and as she looked down she realized she wouldn't be able to sit like this for long. Her belly was repeatedly pressing the right mouse button.
Tiffany stood up, stretching and rubbing her lower back. Sleep was useless, and that is how she found herself writing an email to a married man at two in the morning. Tiffany took two steps and was in the kitchen, nibbling on a few graham crackers and peanut butter cups, the only thing she could keep down, she rubbing her temples.
A baby would never fit in a tiny apartment like this. Right inside the front door was the small kitchen, only one person could fit in. There was no dining room, just a counter and bar stools to eat your meals at. Straight ahead from the front door was the living room, full of a futon, hand-me-down straight-back chair, rug, coffee table, and a bookcase. The length of the only hallway in the apartment was roughly five steps. The only bathroom in the apartment was nestled in the corner of Tiffany's bedroom filled to the rim with books, pillows, a twin size bed, and a closet the size of the Tiffany's five foot one, slim stature.
Feeling claustrophobic, Tiffany rushed back to the computer just to sent ten identical emails that all read: It's an emergency. You have to meet me at John's coffee shop. 9:30 tomorrow morning. Urgent.
The rest of the night went as follows: browsing pinterest for unique bookish ideas, laying on the futon watching movies on her phone from Netflix, regretting that decision and popping six Advil from the bottle, taking a long bubble bath, getting out and getting dressed in purple, sequin sweatpants, no bra, white tank top, a black hoodie, and flipflops, blow drying and straightening her hair, grabbing a purse big enough to fit two novels and her laptop, and ran out the door at eight in the morning. And, who thought all-nighters were only for college students?
The coffee shop opened at eight thirty, so Tiffany pulled into the parking lot with a coffee from a fast food joint pretending like the second she walked in the building she wasn't going to rush to the bathroom and throw it all back up. She looked in the fold down mirror and groaned.
“I look like complete and utter shit,” Tiffany said to herself, he'll run right back to his wife after he sees me like this.
She found a sample of concealer in the bottom of her handbag, from probably a hundred years ago, and tried to smooth it under her eyes. The silence of the small car space was calming and lured Tiffany into a morning nap.
God, if you're there come and rescue me. Felt love pouring down from above got washed in the water, washed in the blood and now I'm changed And now I'm stronger, Tiffany's cellphone woke her and as she looked at the time she jumped up bumping her head on the roof of her car. No, it wasn't Gary calling; he hadn't even answered the emails, and Tiffany wasn't sure he was even coming. Still, she didn't have time to answer a call from Marc. She had been distant due to her situation, and she knew he wanted answers.
The sunlight blinded Tiffany, as she got her bag and locked her car, shutting the door closed. She walked in, ordered a small hot chocolate and sat in a booth in the back. She could stay as long as she wanted, even all day, if that's what it took. John was a long time friend from Ohio. They went to college in Jackson Tennessee together and talk almost daily ever since. He still didn't know, but would inquire about her silence and debatable wardrobe.
Just as the romance novel was sucking her into a world without misery and heartache, she felt a soft hand brush her shoulder and their presence slide into the seat across from.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Hello there! Here to check and review your lovely work as requested.
I like that this charapter is again in Tiffany's POV showing us her daily like. Personally, I like the way you had described the living style of hers the most, and her house as whole.
That lets the reader understand more about what she is doing during her daily routine and what her life is like through her own eyes. You are really detailed about how she sits, how she walks and even how she talks. This is a very good prespective.
The chapter was interesting overall. I would love to understand what is going to happen in the following chapter when they meet and who knows is next. So, I am curious here.
I just her character so much. Maybe because she loves to read novels so much and she has a very nice personality. I want to know more about this new persona, John, already. XD
So, now to the nitpicks part.
I think it needs to be 'with the computer resting on her lap'.
'in' her lap just makes it sounds it is actually 'in' it. Well, still optional. You can use 'on' without 'resting'.
'gentle' needs to be 'gently'.
I know it is pretty obvious that you are talking about the apartment but it makes me feel like you talk about the baby saying 'like this'. You may not understand this from my explainations though. When you say 'like this' I can not understand do you talk about the baby or the size of the apartment. Of course, the size of the place but I understand it from the context. So, make it more understandable. '..like this? What is wrong with the baby that it can not fit in the way it is?' This was what I actually said. This is optional but I find it better to be exactly sure of what we are talking about.
A baby would never fit in a tiny apartment like this one/as mine/like hers.
When we say 'full of' something, and we do not talk about 'full of myself' or something connected with us, it is usually before plurals. When we talk about furniture or objects like in this sentence, 'full of' is before plurals and you order them by commas. You can change this the way you want it to be. If you want them to say as single 'futon' or only one 'chair', then use something else not 'full of'.
Straight ahead from the front door was the living room with..
This is only preferences but I think you need to point out the e-mail that was sent more maybe with another font or quotes, who knows.
You need one comma after 'there' in the first sentence. If you use 'if' in the first part of the sentence, you need comma before the second part. Example to show the difference. And as the previous reviewer said, you need to use period instead of comma after 'stronger'.
Example: If you love me, come back to me.
Come back to me if you love me.
She feel something only once for the moment but the 'brush' is something that continues for more than one second. It is continuous tense in my opinion.'brushing her shoulder...' is the better form. After that, I actually am confused. 'Across from' is sounding pretty unfinished and does not exactly let us understand 'from' where actually we are talking about here.
Your whole work is in past tense so 'their presence slide' is kind of ruining it all so make it past tense? As you wish, of course. This is just how I saw it. When you say 'their presence' do you mean the presence of the hand or the person whose hand it is? If it is the person then it is perfect. If the hand, no.
With the tenses again. You start 'they went' then you continue 'they talk'.
I can accept that 'talk' is correct but the two tenses just does not go well together and you had not seperated the parts at all so it sounds wrong even if it is right. Maybe put a comma to seperate them or change it somehow.
They went to college in Jackson Tenessee together and even since then they started talking almost daily. I do not know, maybe from this sort. 'Since' is not proper to be used with the tense 'talk' is in.
Overall, good job and keep on writing. I hope I helped at least a bit for the improvement of this chapter and hope to see the following one soon.
Thanks!!
Welcome.
Why hello! Fancy meeting you here...
Chapter Eight!!! I believe we are both familiar with my reviewing "style", so let us begin.
Instead of gentle, this should be gently. Also, I understand what you are trying to say in the second half of this sentence; however, it doesn't quite come across right. I would recommend removing the second half, but that leaves the sentence empty. If you can find a way to work in that she hates that part of herself without the current wording, that'd be great.
This next one is sort of an opinion/preference thing, but when you have this email built into the sentence I would suggest "bringing it out" in some way, either with italics, or putting the email in quotations, just to show that it is different in comparison to the other text.
This part confused me a bit. I couldn't tell if Tiffany was dreaming, praying, or if a song was playing. Regardless, the word "and" doesn't need to be capitalized (unless it is a song, in which case it just looks a bit awkward to be capitalized). Also, I would change the comma after stronger to a period.
This chapter was perfect to tie things together. I mentioned something in my review of last chapter that I was a bit confused about, and as you promised, you cleared it up in this chapter. As much as I wish this chapter was longer, I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I cannot WAIT to find out what happens between Gary and Tiffany at their lovely little meeting. I also enjoyed Tiffany's POV during this chapter, particularly when she was talking about how her apartment was too small for a child. Excellent work! I look forward to the next chapter! (Thanks for notifying me about this one
Keep writing, my friend.
-Sis
Speedy and amazing review! Thanks!
No problem!