Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
Marc stood up and twisted his torso until he heard a few pops from his spine and the pressure of the morning release. One advantage of having a small mom and pop bookstore was that he could close the store for a fews hours to go have lunch with the love of his life. He could just see her thick hair twisted into a ponytail, her jeans hugging her round bottom and short legs, and her giggles floating through the air.
Going through the aisles, Marc made sure no one else was in the bookstore before he locked the front doors, cashed out the cash register, and slipped through the back door into the alleyway, where his motorcycle was parked near the door. On the way to pick up his girlfriend of three years, the sun beat on his black leather jacket and bugs smacked against his helmet.
Pulling into the community, Marc watched the soccer mom's pulling their expensive vans down the driveways, the children playing without supervision in the guarded community, and the elderly walking their pets down the sidewalks. This was the life he wanted; after a long day at the bookstore, coming home to a house wife with four children running to him for hugs as he opened the door.
Finishing his daydream, he pulled into the driveway and hung his helmet on the handle bar of his motorcycle before heading up to the front door. With just three knocks, his goddess opened the door.
“Hey! Short notice change. Willow was too sick to go to school, so I have a tea kettle on the stove, and I'm baking some angel food cake with baked in strawberries.” Giving him a kiss on the cheek, Tiffany stepped aside so he could walk in.
“No problem, sugar.” He kissed her cheek before taking off his jacket.
“I put Willow down for a nap, and I don't have to pick up the kids until six.” Tiffany took Marc's hand and lead him to the kitchen.
He watched her gently hold the tea kettle over the cups as she poured the scalding water into them along with two teabags and honey. The silence between them allowed Marc enough time to notice her baggy sweatsuit and constant sniffling of her nose.
“Ya know it's like ninety degrees outside.” Marc raised his eyebrows, as she brought the two teacups to the table, saucers covering them to keep the steam in.
“Ha ha, very funny. I think I'm coming down with a cold, or something...” Tiffany's voice trailed off as Marc put his tea cup on the saucer and swirled the tea and honey around with a spoon.
“Or, you could be-” Marc laughed at Tiffany's bright red cheeks and possible steam coming out of her ears, “Oh come on, how many times do I have to propose before you say yes?”
“I have a lot going on right now. I told you work takes up about ninety percent of my time. I don't want the stress of planning a wedding and having a family just yet. Plus, how do you know we're soulmates?” Tiffany covered her mouth as the smile dropped from Marc's face, almost sliding onto the floor.
“Wha- What did you just say?” Marc sat up straighter and tried to take a drink of his tea, burning his tongue without flinching.
“Marc... I didn't mean it okay, let's just drop it.”
“No. I want to know if you still love me. You haven't talked to me since we had a small lunch a few months ago, and even then it was casual, weather talk. We haven't had an actual date since before you went on tour with this family. Tiffany... I love you, but sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my time.” Marc stood up and poured his tea down the drain.
“Marc, please don't do this right now. I promise, my schedule will lighten up, and everything will smooth over.” Tiffany got up and lightly rested her hand on his shoulder.
He turned around to hug her, brushing against her hardened abdomen, and watching her guard her belly gave him enough suspicion to ask, “When did you find out? You weren't going to tell me were you?”
“What? Marc calm down; I don't know what you're even talking about.” Tiffany backed away from him leaning on to the kitchen table.
“Oh stop. You're pregnant. Just tell me... is... is it mine?”
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Hello there, and a very happy Review Day to you!
This is Desdemona of Team Team Team, which isn't even a typo.
Anyways, let's get to business.
You can't exactly hear pressure being released so I would suggest adding "felt" over there.
While I believe this is a simple slip of fingers, I'll correct it. It is "few" and not "fews"
You can't see giggles as well, so I would suggest placing "hear" in that sentence
mom's refers to mom is. For more than one mom, use moms. It is another question how elderly men walking at the park, or soccer moms with their vans reflect the life the man wanted.
Now to your plot. Your main character seems to be an insecure, and rather backward twat, if you'll pardon my language, who wants a wife to clean, cook and spout babies. That is okay in literature, but it still disturbs me a little. In addition to that, this character will give you difficulty in your later chapters as he grows more and more agitated by Tiffany's freedom and pregnancy. Just a heads up.
Also, what sort of obsessive, awful man keeps fantasizing about a woman's butt when he hasn't even spoken to her properly in MONTHS. MONTHS! Not even a month, MONTHS. This is against the nature of love, and barely within the bounds of plausible obsession. I wouldn't hold it against Tiffany if she WAS pregnant with another man's child. I'd probably do the same.
In any case, this was an interesting read, and I hope you'll tag me when you upload it's next chapter.
Keep writing,
~Mona
This is Yams here for a review on Review Day!
I didn't love the beginning of this chapter as it's just the main character fantasizing about his girlfriend and overall just seems silly instead of being taken seriously.
This sentence is rather long and I suggest that you cut it up into smaller sentences so it'll flow better and the reader won't have to take a mental breath because there are so many commas in one sentence. You don't have to use my example, but here's the sentence chopped up:
"Marc made sure no one else was in the bookstore before he locked the front doors. He cashed out the cash register, and slipped out of the store through the back door where he kept his motorcycle parked."
That one wasn't completely necessary, but it would help a bit.
Calling her "his Goddess" is a bit overdoing it, especially since it's written in third person and it sounds awkward as a whole. No one would be able to say "Hello, my Goddess" in a smooth manner in real life, so don't try and do it here.
I don't like your main character. He feels very creepy-ish to me. He also feels kind of like a jerk and has these weird vibes coming off him, in my opinion. He also feels like he controls or owns his girlfriend a bit. This isn't true facts, but that's what he comes off to me as.
Clingy. That's what he feels like. Why did they not talk for a few whole months if they're together? That doesn't sound like a real relationship to me. He feels very attached to his girlfriend and it's just kind of annoying.
Personally, I don't like the "is it mine?" trope where the guy doesn't trust if it's his kid or not. I did like how this felt kind of a mellow chapter, though.
Have a great day.