z

Young Writers Society


12+

Chicago

by Rascalover


These moments were her favorite, the ones where silence surrounded her and the outside world rushed past her. She sat on the love seat under the window and watched as the sky darkened into a lilac color. Tiffany's job was to be a nanny, a child chaser; the reason she took the job was because the family traveled on the road with the dad, who was a guitarist in a popular country music band. She could feel her eyes getting heavier, but just as her mind allowed her a moment of silence, she felt the churning in her stomach and bile in her esophagus.

Bumping into Joe Don, Tiffany rushed to the closet sized bathroom and felt all of her insides slide up and out of her mouth. Taking a few deep breaths, she wiped her mouth off with the back of her hand and flushed the toilet. She hoped the noise wouldn't wake anyone asleep on the bus.

“Hey, are you feeling okay?”

“Ah!” Tiffany put her hand to her chest, “You scared me. I forgot you were there... yes, I'm okay; thank you.”

Joe Don raises his eyebrow, but doesn't say anything else, as he goes to get a water from the mini-fridge and head back to bed. Tiffany waited to hear the backroom door shut before she left the bathroom and went to sit back on the love seat. She had told herself she would wait until she was married. She had made it through high school and college without a single temptation. Her mind couldn't think of another reason why she would be vomiting at three in the morning, but she knew she had to found out the cause before it was too late to handle.

As the bus pulled into the lot, Tiffany was busy cleaning up the breakfast area. Their parents were just now waking up, but the three young toddlers, four, two, and six months old, had been awake since six in the morning. Running on two hours of sleep, Tiffany couldn't wait until they parked, then she could say her good byes and head for her car. She had the next two weeks off because the band was taking a break to work on their album, which meant the dads could watch the hellions while their moms were at work and vice versa. Joe Don slipped out of the back room in sweat pants and a hoodie, if he wasn't such a stand up guy, Tiffany could see herself getting into this mess with him instead of his bandmate. He had curly, short, auburn hair, a scruffy beard; he was lean and tall, and he worked out everyday for thirty minutes in the morning, four-thirty to be exact. Tiffany had trained herself to be a morning person just so she could watch him.

“I can finish the rest. Enjoy your break, don't do anything I wouldn't do.” As he winked, Tiffany tried to give him a sly smile, as she rushed back to the bathroom and preceded to empty her stomach of the three crackers and water she had downed for breakfast just for show.

She walked out of the bathroom a little dizzy and steadied herself along the wall.

“Are you okay to drive? Maybe you should have a friend drive you to the doctor?” Joe Don wrung the dish towel out in the sink and crossed his arms.

“I'm really okay. I just need some rest and Netflix.” She hugged the babies goodbye and walked down the steps, out of the bus.

The sun shone brightly into her eyes, just as she headed towards her car. While sitting in the drivers seat, she watched Joe Don's bandmates, Gary and Jay, reunite with their wives and children. Jay was newly married and adopted his wife's five year old son. Allison was a beautiful blonde bombshell, that oozed money, beauty, and business. Young Maxwell was just strung along, unwillingly; he hated his life and wanted nothing to do with his mother who had no time for him. Tiffany's eyes rested on something easier to look at: Gary. He was a good six foot tall, had blonde spiky hair, and great muscles and a tan from tending his farm at home when he's off the road.

He had been married for ten years, and his children were a bit older: nine and seven. The two little brunette darlings rushed from the car as it barely stopped and ran to Gary's open arms. He crushed them into a bear hug, breathing them in. They were the apple of his eye. He didn't let them go, until his wife crossed the parking lot to where he was standing, near the bus, and brushed his shoulder with her hand. She was probably four foot tall, looked like a child compared to Gary. He needed a woman in his life, not just a baby maker. Tiffany was ready to fill that spot in his life until they had gone to far, and now she was fairly certain she was just another baby maker for him.  


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216 Reviews


Points: 93
Reviews: 216

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Sat Apr 30, 2016 5:58 am
DivergentDemigod wrote a review...



Hey R! Phangirl here to review your awesome work!
I think you did a quite good job setting the scene here! I liked your I imagination here!

But I think you could still work on a couple of things...
Like in this chapter you made Tiffany sound like a whore which I think was not intentional since she is the main protagonist here... But reading all that made her sound like one...but duh! I guess that's just me... So no need to change... Though I'm really curious about all the possibilities... :)
Also I've got a couple of nitpicks

"Her mind couldn't think of another reason why she would be vomiting at three in the morning, but she knew she had to find out the cause before it was too late to handle."

“I can finish the rest. Enjoy your break, don't do anything I wouldn't do.” he said (I think you should insert it here) as he winked,"

"These moments were her favorite, the ones where silence surrounded her and the outside world rushed past her
I think you should replace it with while the outside world rushed past
that was just a suggestion no need to take it if you don't want!

Well that's all I've got to criticize... Now about the things I loved


“I'm really okay. I just need some rest and Netflix.” She hugged the babies goodbye and walked down the steps, out of the bus

Okay that sounds like something I would do after a long day... So that really was something that made me smile...

The two little brunette darlings rushed from the car as it barely stopped and ran to Gary's open arms. He crushed them into a bear hug, breathing them in. They were the apple of his eye

Aww... This was really sweet! :)

Okay so that's all for now...
I'll be reviewing all the other chapters soon enough...

Phangirl~




Rascalover says...


Thanks! If you're ever free feel free to review the other five chapter ;)



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Thu Apr 28, 2016 6:52 am
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Elijah wrote a review...



King Here as requested!

Hello,here I am. I will try my best to look carefully at each part of this story and review it honestly. From now, I say that you do not have (by first look for now) any punctuation or grammar mistakes, so maybe this will shorten the whole review as counting words.
When I read the tittle, i thought it may be some kind of a journey to Chicago, or something happening in the city. As I saw, the main is a young woman.

These moments were her favorite, the ones where silence surrounded her and the outside world rushed past her. She sat on the love seat under the window and watched as the sky darkened into a lilac color. Tiffany's job was to be a nanny, a child chaser; the reason she took the job was because the family traveled on the road with the dad, who was a guitarist in a popular country music band. She could feel her eyes getting heavier, but just as her mind allowed her a moment of silence, she felt the churning in her stomach and bile in her esophagus.

For this first part, I can honestly say I see nothing wrong and It is just making me more curious. Eve if she is a main, that is so much described, you show us her personality through her movements and actions. I think this is the show, not tell, at least for me, and it pretty much starts well the story. Though, I feel confused about where she is. Bedroom, car, bus,...
and many other options. Also, it could be great, if you could be more detailed about the backstory of her father, but this can be later, also. I think later, we understand that we are talking about not a room, but vehicle.




Bumping into Joe Don, Tiffany rushed to the closet sized bathroom and felt all of her insides slide up and out of her mouth. Taking a few deep breaths, she wiped her mouth off with the back of her hand and flushed the toilet. She hoped the noise wouldn't wake anyone asleep on the bus.


If this is the bathroom in the vehicle we were talking about, I do not what else it could be.
It is still pretty unknown. You had added one more character here.


Joe Don raises his eyebrow, but doesn't say anything else, as he goes to get water from the mini-fridge and head back to bed. Tiffany waited to hear the backroom door shut, before she left the bathroom and went to sit back on the love seat. She had told herself she would wait until she was married. She had made it through high school and college without a single temptation. Her mind couldn't think of another reason why she would be vomiting at three in the morning, but she knew she had to found out the cause, before it was too late to handle.

The present tense is such a confusing and awkward tense for writing in 3rd prespective for me. Anyways, with that left aside, I think you can not say 'a water', I know that we use 'a'
if it is not plural, but I think it is better without it.






She had the next two weeks off, because the band was taking a break to work on their album, which meant the dads could watch the hellions while their moms were at work and vice versa. Joe Don slipped out of the back room in sweat pants and a hoodie, if he wasn't such a stand up guy, Tiffany could see herself getting into this mess with him instead of his bandmate. He had curly, short, auburn hair, a scruffy beard; he was lean and tall, and he worked out everyday for thirty minutes in the morning, four-thirty to be exact. Tiffany had trained herself to be a morning person just so she could watch him.

For the coloured part, I just wanted to say, that I love the fact that you had started to describe your own characters, and you had done it very well. I just wanted to mention it.



“I'm really okay. I just need some rest and Netflix.” She hugged the babies goodbye and walked down the steps, out of the bus.

rest and Netflix..eh, you made me smile here

The sun shone brightly into her eyes, just as she headed towards her car. While sitting in the driver's seat, she watched Joe Don's bandmates, Gary and Jay, reunite with their wives and children.

I kinda got confused here, if Joe Don is her father or someone she works with. You had started talking about him in a way, I could think, he is on her age.




Overall, I am really excited and curious about what may happen next. I see that a lot of affairs may happen, till she can reach him, so I am interested, and I think this is kinda the interesting romance story. I did not think it will be romantic in the beginning, honestly. But this caught me off guard, which may not be so bad. I hope I was useful, and thank you for requesting this, I really enjoyed reading this lovely piece.




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Sun Apr 03, 2016 10:09 am
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Sujana wrote a review...



Hello, fellow Team Batman! (nanananana) Here for a short review.

I'm surprised this hasn't gotten a review, since it's so short. But regardless, I thought that this was a good first chapter. It detailed everything that needed to be detailed, and had a lot of show don't tell going on that I really liked.

However, if I hadn't read the description, I wouldn't have known what this was about. Why is this girl in a bus with a bunch of older dudes? Oh, wait, they're in a band? What's the band name? Wait, these dudes are married? Is she pregnant? Did she sleep with one of them a night ago? It's very confusing, is what I'm saying here. Of course, it certainly doesn't need to be. This is your first chapter. You can always introduce your characters at a calm pace, but it would be a good idea to describe them to the reader, so that the readers can understand the situation and feel more confident to connect with these characters.

As for the story itself, I'm finding it quite interesting. I feel like the main character might be very interesting to read about soon enough--her brief internal dialogue about how she wasn't supposed to do what she might've done suggested that she was religious, or at the very least chaste, which will be a good conflict for the character. Where's her parents? Why is she in this bus with other men? And why is the work named Chicago? All these answers will be answered soon enough, I'm sure, and I can't wait to see it all bloom soon enough.

Overall, very well-written and interesting. Good job, and good luck with the next chapters.

Signing out,

--EM.




Rascalover says...


Thank you so much!




Mudwesterner
— BlueAfrica