16+

Chicago Chapter 10

Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

After having four days off, it was time for Tiffany to head back to work. Joe Don and Angel were traveling to Europe for their honeymoon, so Tiffany was in charge of three kids, their house, and two dogs until they got back, in a week. This was Tiffany's challenge to herself; if she could do this, she could definitely take care of a baby.

The Rooney's had left around six that night for a late flight. Ezra and Harper had already eaten dinner by them time Tiffany arrived, so while they watched a movie in their playroom, Tiffany sat in the rocking chair and fed Willow a bedtime bottle.

Her little eyes were closed, leaving wrinkles in her forehead. On fist was clenched tightly around Tiffany's pinkie finger and her other hand laid across her belly. Lavender baby wash and lotion emanated from her, as she suckled every last drop of milk. Tiffany smoothed down her wisps of curly black tuff atop her head, and pulled the bottle from her puckered lips.

It was all a balancing act. She just had to move her left foot from the foot stool, then her right. Next was a bit trickier, leaning Willow on one shoulder, holding her with her arm, and pushing up from the arm of the chair with her other hand, still holding the burping cloth and bottle. Tiffany gently patted Willow's back from the playroom to the kitchen until she heard a small burp fill the air.

Delicately placing the burp cloth and bottle on the kitchen counter, Tiffany adjusted Willow into the crook of her arm, as she walked up the stairs and into the nursery. Willow barely opened her grey-blue eyes, as her head bobbed along with Tiffany's elbow.

The lilac walls were covered with paintings of wild flowers. Sunflowers hung above the white, wooden crib, and soft yellow love-seat sat just under the only window in the room. Tiffany closed the sheer citrus curtains and lowered into the left side of the cotton love-seat. Willow stirred causing Tiffany's heart to stop. She just wanted to watch her sleep, memorize every eyelash in place, and watch her heart beat, up and down and up and down; she did not want her to wake up and fuss all night long.

Making a shushing sound through her teeth, Tiffany gently rocked her and thought of the little one living amongst her other organs. No one but herself and Gary knew it was there, and yet it was causing such an uproar.

She might have my frizzy hair and chubby thighs, maybe Gary's nose and caressing voice. I want her to love reading as much as I do, and I want her to be just as knowledgable of math and science as Gary is. Wait... she... do I want a girl? Tiffany shook her head to get rid of the thought of keeping the living thing inside of her and got up to place Willow in her crib.

Tiffany slowly walked backwards out of the room and shut the door. Shoving all of the ugly emotions down, she put a smile on her face and sat next to Harper on the floor wrapped in two comforters.

“What are we watching?”

“Abengers. Wook Hwulk Smash!” Harper pointed at the television and stared in amazement at the green figure demolishing everything in his path.

Tiffany tried to make small talk with the little television zombies, but turned to her phone when they refused to acknowledge her existence. When the movie was over, Harper was asleep on the floor and Ezra was asleep right next to her. She wasn't suppose to lift anything over fifteen pounds, but Tiffany wasn't about to wake up these sleeping angels, plus this was her favorite part of bedtime.

Getting up, she carried Harper over her shoulder and to her room. A mixture of pink, glitter, blue, and capes filled the room, as Tiffany laid Harper down on top of an Avengers comforter. If she was going to raise her child, she would want them to be as versatile as this, a mixture of all things.

Getting Ezra to bed was a little trickier. Grunting as she heaved him in her arms and up the stairs, he woke up and requested three potty visits and two glasses of water before finally laying down in his own bed for the night.

Tiffany thought she was never going to get to bed, and vowed to do all the cleaning before the kids awoke in the morning. The plush rose sheets and blanket were calling her into the guest room and on to the bed. She set an alarm for five in the morning and closed her eyes. Her brain knew it had only been a few minutes, but her body felt like she had slept for hours, when she heard her phone ringing, fearing it was her alarm.

Tiffany, sluggish, rolled over on to her back to see who would be calling her at ten-thirty at night, and low and behold who do you think it was?

Marc.  

Comments & reviews · 2
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FatCowsSis
Review

Hello!!
First of all, I was not notified of this chapter, which makes me feel TERRIBLE for taking this long to review! But, better late than never, so here I am, ready to review Chapter 10!

On fist was clenched tightly around Tiffany's pinkie finger and her other hand laid across her belly.

I believe on should be the word one.

Delicately placing the burp cloth and bottle on the kitchen counter, Tiffany adjusted Willow into the crook of her arm, as she walked up the stairs and into the nursery.

The comma separating the phrase in bold and that not in bold isn't necessary. When you have that comma there it makes phrasing awkward because it allows the reader to believe there is more to the sentence. The same is true in the sentence that follows this one.

Sunflowers hung above the white, wooden crib, and the soft yellow love-seat sat just under the only window in the room.

You need the word "the" in this sentence. I've put it in bold.

Tiffany, sluggish, rolled over on to her back to see who would be calling her at ten-thirty at night, and low and behold who do you think it was?

Low and behold is spelled lo and behold.

I absolutely LOVE how you compared Tiffany's future child to Willow in this chapter. It's beautiful to imagine Tiffany with the child, because in a way it feels right. Once again, you have left me breathless with a fabulous not-so-new chapter, and I cannot wait until Chapter 11 is out! I really want to see how Gary feels about this whole situation though. It would be super intriguing to see things from his POV after finding out about the baby. Thanks for an awesome chapter!
Keep writing, my friend.
-Sis

Sorry! I commented on your review of chapter nine letting you know chapter ten had been posted! next time I'll post on your wall :) Thanks again for the great review

Sorry I totally missed that comment! I haven't had a lot of time to get on YWS recently. Heading to Chapter 11 now :D

User avatar
Elijah
Review
Elijah wrote a review · Sun May 15, 2016 2:46 pm

King Here
I do not know if I was invited to check this work or just did it because I had time and I wanted to but I still will give this chapter a try and review it the best way I possible can. As always, I will be dropping what I like about this work first before shitting everything with my critiques.

Praising part

I like how you had described the whole situation of Tiffany's fantasy world in which she already has a child to take care for and the way she thinks the child will look like, taking the good of each of them, Gary and her. Tiffany's intuation may be right that the child of hers will be a female one but who knows. I think women always know or have this specific feeling towards their child. It would be interesting if it is a girl who looks like her and has parts of Gary's personality also. Even if it is a boy, the drama will not be less. Overall, I like it that you had showed us what would it be like her having a child and her ways of taking care of everything even if one person harshly can handle one full house with so many kids in it ( plus animlas ). I feel like she will turn out to be a very good mother. Only time will show.

Critiques & other jazz


.. so Tiffany was in charge of three kids, their house, and two dogs until they got back, in a week.


I understand what you mean here but you do not need comma before 'and' in this part of a sentence. The reason why is simple but I will still try to explain it with a simple example.
Example(s):
She needed to buy carrots, tomatoes and potatoes.
She needed to buy carrots, tomatoes and potatoes, and strawberries.



This was Tiffany's challenge to herself


'challenge to herself' is not so right at least in my opinion. You can challenge yourself to do something, yes, but you can not challenge to yourself to do something. I think something is missing here, ha? You can use 'challenge to do it on her own' or 'challenge for her own helf/herself'. It is writer's choice still here.

Ezra and Harper had already eaten dinner by them time Tiffany arrived..

'by them their'. Maybe it was a mistake because you had hurried up or I do not know but it needs to be 'by the time'. Maybe added one extra letter there?

On fist was clenched tightly around Tiffany's pinkie finger and her other hand laid across her belly. Lavender baby wash and lotion emanated from her, as she suckled every last drop of milk. Tiffany smoothed down her wisps of curly black tuff atop her head, and pulled the bottle from her puckered lips.


Her fist was clenched tightly around Tiffany's pinkie finger and her other laid across the baby's belly ( say whose because they are both female, it is confusing ). Lavender baby wash and lotion emanated from her as she suckled every last drop of milk. Tiffany smoothed down her wisps of curly black tuff on top of her head and pulled the bottle from her puckered lips.

I needed to edit this as a whole, excuse me please for this. Also, to mention it now, you can not put comma in front of dependent sentence, this can be explained simply also. You can not put comma in front of a dependent sentence.

Example(s):
He left the room and did not said the reason why.
He left the room, not saying the reason why.
He left the room, and he did not say why.


watch her heart beat


You can not watch her heart beat. You can only heat it.
If you replace heart beat with something else, maybe yes, you can watch then.

Tiffany tried to make small talk with the little television zombies, but turned to her phone when they refused to acknowledge her existence.


The same for the dependent sentence. You can not use comma before a sentence that has no noun, is dependent and needs support to make sense. If it has no noun for its verb, it is dependent and need no comma to be connected.

Good job overall!

King Leaving



The man who never makes a mistake always takes orders from one who does.
— Anonymous