Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
Chicago Chapter Seven
“Hey babe, I can take the girls to school. I just got called into the studio to do some prerecording for the new album.” Gary bounded down the stairs with his hair still dripping from his morning shower.
“Oh, okay. I'll go wake them up. Can you finish packing their lunches?” Tara placed two disney themed lunch boxes on the counter and walked upstairs.
Gary raided the refrigerator for those tubes of yogurt and small tangerines the girls always screamed over and placed them next to the peanut butter and banana sandwiches Tara had previously made. Brooklynne sprinted down the stairs and clung to Gary's legs, giggling.
“You're taking us to school!” Gary smiled swing her around, so he could hug her and tickle her belly.
“Yes, I am. Maybe we can sneak to McDonalds for breakfast, but it has to be our little secret.” Brooklynne laughed even louder and wriggled free of his hold.
Brittany came down the stairs rubbing her eyes, “I want to sit in the front!”
Brooklynne immediately let out a shriek, “No! I want to sit in the front seat!”
“Too bad, I called it first.”
“I was downstairs first!”
“I'm the oldest.”
“Daddy! Tell Brittany I get to sit up front!” Brooklynne looked up to Gary for support and favor.
“You're both going to sit in the backseat of the truck like you always do. Now, if you go brush your teeth and get dressed in a flash, we can grab breakfast on the way to school.” Both girls instantly dashed up the stairs, running around Tara, who was smirking and shaking her head at Gary.
“Just this once. We'll walk to gymnastics this afternoon.” Gary wrapped his arm around his over-protective wife and kissed the top of her head.
“Nice try, gymnastic practice is thirty miles away, but all of you can join me in my workout before bed, gets your muscles relaxed and ready for sleep.” Tara leaned up to kiss the tip of Gary's nose just as he was pretending to vomit, bumping both of their heads.
“You'd think after so many years of marriage, we'd be more coordinated than this. You okay?” Gary asked, as he rubbed his nose.
Tara nodded her head and laughed, as the girls bounded down the stairs with their shoes barely tied. Tara headed out the door for her morning run, right behind the girls and Gary, who were piling into his black Chevy truck.
Gary could smell the friend biscuits and sausage steaming from the drive through window, but decided just to get Brittany and Brooklynne sandwiches for breakfast, Tara must be rubbing off on him. With music blaring and children with full mouths and bellies, the ride to school was peaceful. Gary kissed his girls goodbye, as they separately walked into the school with their friends.
If you turned left at the intersection leaving their school, it would take Gary right back to the freeway, back to the studio, so Gary turned right. The side streets here took you all the way to downtown Nashville, where Gary was meeting her at a busy and crowded coffee shop. Before going in, Gary pulled a baseball cap over his eyes.
If Tara finds out just tell her you bumped into her and she asked if she could sit with you. No harm in being kind, especially since she was so adamant about me being rude to tiffany on the night she babysat. Taking a deep breath, Gary opened the door to the shop and stepped in, inhaling the bitter aroma of black coffee and the sweetness of freshly made doughnuts, neither seemed appetizing.
Tiffany took his breath away. Even though she sat in the back right corner with a sweatshirt hoodie pulled over her head and sun glasses on her face, he could see her petite fingers wrapped around a small cup of coffee and a paperback novel in the other hand. Her short legs were intwined in one another. Just before he started to walk towards, Gary watched her smooth, pale rose lips barely touch the rim of her cup ever so gently, as she took a drink.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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This was released during the Review day? XD Well, who knows, I was sleeping then.
Anyways, I am here to review your lovely work. You know how much I love to read your story.
I have always loved Tiffany as a character but Gary is not that bad compared to her.
The Italic part was the one I would not understand. You could write everything in third prespective. I like the idea of showing the daily routine of the busy family of him.
You need comma before 'rubbing' here. You change tenses.
I think it is better to say 'Too bad, I said it first.'
In my opinion.
This is only optional.
'I went downstairs first!'
They are only two, right?
Soone is older than the other.
I think it is not reasonable to say 'oldest' this is for when they are more than 2 siblings.
'I am older than you!' or 'I am older!'
'practice is thirty miles away?'
I think that the activity can not be thirty miles away.
Only the place where you are doing it.
'..Gary, who were pulling into his Chevy truck.'
He is only one person, right?
So, it needs to be 'who was'. (Gary was=he was=who was)
The Italic part was the confusing one. I think that part is his thoughts? The second part.
You need comma after 'If Tana finds out'.'tiffany'needs to be 'Tiffany'.
Overall, good job. Keep on writing.
I posted it right after the review day was over
but thanks for the great review!
Welcome.
Welcome.
IT'S HERE!! I am filled to the brim with joy right now!! Alright, now let's get on with the review
I must admit, I was a bit confused when the italicized section began. From what I recall, as of Chapter Six Tiffany had been trying to reach Gary, but I was under the impression that he was blatantly ignoring her. So I'm a bit confused by this passage here:
I don't recall when the two of them set up a meeting. I may have just completely missed it, but when Gary goes on to talk about Tiffany's features, there's no way it can be a mere coincidence anymore. Also, you forgot to capitalize the 't' in Tiffany that I put in bold.
I truly did enjoy this chapter. This is such a fun story, and I can't wait to find out where it's going to lead, especially when/if Gary finds out that he has a child on the way. Keep up the excellent work!
Keep writing, my friend.
-Sis
Wow, you're a super fast reviewer! lol. But, you'll find out in the next chapter how Gary and Tiffany ended up meeting.
Okay sounds good
And I wouldn't say I'm super fast...I was just excited!