I want to cry.
I want to feel sorrow
Building up inside of me
Like water in a dam.
Let the dam break.
Let the water go.
Let it all go,
Flow from your heart,
To your eyes,
And onward.
Crumple.
Like old brick buildings,
Cave in to gravity.
Let it go.
Break the barriers
That force you to smile.
Take a hammer,
And smash
Every mask you've ever worn.
For just a moment,
Expose your raw skin
To the raw wind
And harsh sunlight.
For just the barest whisper of time,
Don’t pretend.
Tie down your hands
And give your heart the pen.
Let it write.
Let it bleed.
But then throw away the paper,
Cover your skin,
Tape the masks back together,
Rebuild your walls,
And fix the dam
To hold back tears
That have yet to come.
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139,720 Literary Works • 672,668 Reviews
Really like it, particularly the end. Not crazy about the super-short-lines style -- I feel like it counters the building pressure of the dam metaphor. Also, I think it might work better if it's either all "you" or all "I" (it's "I" at the beginning right now, then "you" the rest of the way through). I prefer the "you", personally. Also, maybe some more grit? More concrete, totally unique, stick-in-your-head type details. It's really good, and I want to see it get that much better.
Thanks! It's always a work in progress, and your advice is much appreciated!
Hi Rarity, Em101cats has arrived to review!
First of all, you expressed your words fluently, wonderfully, smartly, BEAUTIFULLY. I. Love. This. So. Much!
I think this is your most emotional part. These 5 lines are so meaningful that they instantly became my favorite parts of the whole poem. Great work thinking of those!
I love the figurative language here! Comparing fake feelings to masks? Ingenious! Even I would never have thought of that.
I love the way you say "Barest whisper" instead of something that everybody uses: "slightest second" or "smallest minute" or "sliver of time." You took two words and instantly made them a really GREAT combo of emotion!
I didn't see any mistakes. If I missed any, I apologize. Thanks for being such a good writer and giving me something I find no mistakes on!
~Em101cats~
Hi! there Rarity
..
Impressive, that's the word that popped in my mind after reading your piece. It run smoothly and, by the way, nice choice of words. I, also, liked the comparison you used to show such strong emotions to hold back your tears but you can't always build that strong walls because, someday, someone will be able to look through you and you'll start to show the wounded part of you.
Nice work
Hey, I see you attempted to write a rhythmic poem....I think. Well, assuming you did, the job was nearly top-notch, with the exception of a few lines that didn't quite flow, for example;
"Let the water go.
Let it all go,
Flow from your heart,
To your eyes,
And onward."
These lines really drew away from the previous rhythm you seemingly tried to manouvre, which was a tad irritating. Maybe try and fix it up a bit, so it can flow more? The punctuation might have contributed to the lack of flow a bit as well, just read over it again, and see what you can fix.
I don't want to just be a negative nit-pick(er), so I'll move on to the positive, encouraging comments now
The words in your poem connected strongly with the theme of the poem; 'Crying'. I liked how you used words like "dam" and "raw" it just greatly implied the intensity of the sadness being shed, well done.
Overall, I liked your poem, very emotional, and I hope to read more of your work.
Good job
Hello!
Okay, the whole time I was reading this I heard the tune "Let it Go" in my head just because I saw those words. c:
I'm not all good at poetry, but the little blurb you had written kinda drew me.in so here I am now!
I really liked this, and you can easily relate to it as well. Sometimes you just have to cry.
I love how you wrote about the dam at the beginning, then at the end you referred to it again. When people do that, I love it automatically. Very very weird.
You can feel the pain and sorrow and sadness in this poem. I felt the emotion!
I really don't have any critisim. The punctuation was divided fairly, so we're the lines, and I noticed no grammatical or spelling error. For that, great job.
Even though I wasn't much help, I hope you know how good your own poem is!!
~ WillowPaw1