Darling it’s a high road and a long shot from home. In between us and them lies a sea of wheat and corn just waiting to swallow us up. Its a good kind of death trap, but their are better fields to lay in, and only the lazy west wind whisks the young across those buttery seas. Now There’s a rolling in the hills and butterflies in my stomach, so hail a diesel and put that coat to use,
for it surely looks like rain.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh the grass is so green, it covers the railroad tracks stretching into the horizon. It's a road long traveled, but settle down honey, those better fields are on the horizon now, and perhaps the spring will shower the new world with a buttermilk sky. One we've yet to see.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh how the clouds used to capture the sun in the morning.
And if the light of dawn ever looked prettier, it was by the fallin’ crystals and the raging sky that met the daffodil sun in the pocket hidden by those rolling green hills.
It’s a contrast of teal n taciturn that match the roilin’ bubbly clouds and make the sun so bright you have to pull over and pray the clouds claim it's light again. So keep those heels high and stay that hat on your head,
For the sweetest clouds are yet to come,
For the sun’s bound to anger in the noon.
And only the mountains can hide us away in the past.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Sweet poem! I see my investment into the GPMPS foundation was well spent XD
Hello, poopsie.
don't use how. You don't need an introduction for that image.There are parts of this where I can taste the sun rays falling near my mouth. Glimpses of pure joy. The buttermilk sky got me. And teal n taciturn. Very nice. Some of the images shouldn't be missed.
That being said, there are a few things that could be improved, as well.
I notice that you beat around the bush a bit before you start your sentences. Don't put things that don't matter in front of the content. Like "oh." Don't use "oh." You might be thinking it. Oh is a sound of awe, but instead of saying it, just show it. You show it well already; don't sell yourself short by tacking that on to the beginning of the line. Also, particularly in
Quick nitpick that I just noticed. Put a comma after Darling.
I think you could phrase this to better effect. Right now, the reader doesn't know who "they" are. So you could say something like, "Behind us lies a sea of wheat and corn." That kind of sounds like they're running from something. Or you could identify the "them," and that would be fine.
It bothers me that "there" is capitalized. I don't really see a reason for it to be.
This sentence needs to be simpler for greater impact. It kind of stretches on and loses the reader's interest. Try phrasing it kind of like this: "green grass conceals horizon-stretching railroad tracks." It's a fun way to say they go off into the distance.
That's a lot of adjectives! Try including more of your descriptions in stronger nouns and verbs. For example, "raging sky" could be replaced with "storm." Too many adjectives spoil a sentence.
To be honest, I'm not quite sure what this is about, but I like it. I don't think I need to know what it's about. I enjoyed the ride. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy poeting!
thank you for this, hopefully my next poem does not have these mistakes
O hey this is here
hey poopsie! phangirl here!
even though i dont konw why, cuz ur poem here dosent need any reviewing, its perfect the way it is!i liked your work---a lot! i could really imagine every thing you wrote about...and thats what i usually seek for while reading something, so great job there i would say.
the other thing that i loved about your work is the stanzas, i mean yeah its more sort of a paragraph, but tht was something new that i saw and of course i liked it...so good job there too.
there ain't much to say...
cuz i loved your work, too much to find any mistakeanyway...hoping for the best always
~phangirl
Hi.
I like this poem a lot. The way you write is is very nice. The first verse flows really nicely and I personally really like the last sentence. However, the flow you have is broken near the end of the second verse. You use way to much detail especially int he last verse and the story you seemed to be creating in the first stanza trails off into the overuse of adjectives.
The structure you have breaks down in the end of the second verse. Your starting verse seems to hint at an end and possibly a narrative. I see none of these and I think if you did add a beginning middle and end it would be a much better poem.
The real problem is, as I stated, the overuse of adjectives and just words in general. There's a lot you can cut like "...fallin crystals and the raging sky make sun so bright you have to pull over and pray the clouds claim the yadda yadda yadda..." You could take off the entire first half of that sentence and reword it. There are numerous cases of what I just stated.
Good job. I like it. Just cut a bit.