You died in the winter.
On a mountain somewhere east of the city called home. They say death is different for all.
Yours was a painful heat in the cold white. Ski gloves clutching frost bitten poles in agony.
Or maybe it was tears of ice on the cheeks of the pale hued sky.
An endless silence between your chocolate brown coat and the cool new home you’d found in the earth.
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You died at a clinic in Highland Park,
nestled among convenience stores, car parts, liquor and foreign restaurants.
You were too tired to remember, but a strange aroma wafted into the waiting room. Turning from sweet to bitter. It made my eyes water.
And like the clouds on that cold mountain.
Like the smell of those spices whisked through the air.
You passed.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
I'm so sorry for your loss! Pets are just like family and it's always sad and discouraging when a friend or family member passes away. I can relate because I've lost two cats in the last 4-5 years and I was devastated. This poem is very genuine and it speaks out a lot of emotion. The grammar and punctuation was good and you communicated your loss clearly. Once again, I'm so, terribly sorry and please know that people will always be there for you when times get difficult.
-5kKitty
Thank you so much! It happened a while ago so I'm mostly over it, but your sympathy is much appreciated
Hello!
To begin with, I am glad to have had the context that this is about a dead cat. Knowing this does not lessen the impact of the poem, but I believe rather heightens in, in that I now believe that the author was actually present for the death of the 'you'.
That having been said, this poem does make an impact. The focus on the setting of the death rather than the death itself reminds me of how the bombing of Dresden is treated in Slaughterhouse 5 - it says more by silence than with words. There's also something intangibly classy about it.
The spacing before the 'impossibly long silence' works.
The first verse is the stronger one. The 'tears of ice' metaphor made for a poignant image, even though I missed it at first. Kudos.
On the first read-through, this seems to be about two separate deaths. The first verse is about the cold, winter, and silence, with all references pointing to an image of a desolate, snow-capped mountain. In the second verse, the 'Spanish restaurants' carry connotations of heat and the mention of indoors changes the setting to, well, indoors.
On the second reading, I understood it as the same death, and the two partially disparate parts, taken together, worked to a stronger whole. So that was nice.
I would question the line 'you were too tired to remember', as when is there anything to be remembered if 'you' are dead? On that same line, the description of a 'bitter' smell as 'sweet, then spicy' doesn't quite work very well. Smell descriptions, yes, it ties in the Spanish restaurants (as in, gives the Spanish restaurants a reason to be mentioned) and that's all good, but perhaps change the descriptions of it?
Also, in line three in the first verse, 'snow' is capitalized. Either make it lowercase or change the proceeding comma into a period. Should be a quick fix.
Overall, the segmented nature of the poem creates a disjointed image of a disorienting event, and therefore paints an image of emotions around it. Keep up the good work!
Thanks for the review!
I'm so sorry for your loss! This was a beautiful poem and it made my heart ache for you. I recently lost a family member, and though this isn't about a human it holds the same emotion, the same feeling of grief and loss. Excellent job!
how do i format good. It keeps reverting to this.
nice