~*~*~
As Khor began to wake he immediately noticed he was in a soft cot. A scratchy blanket was pulled up to his waist and his head was laid down on a small pillow. He opened his eyes and saw a dark stone ceiling.
He also noticed it was very cold. He attempted to sit up but felt a force holding him down. Determined, now to break free he focused and used all his energy on simply sitting up.
He soon found that the pain keeping him down was in his back and not in his chest. He focused on the pain and willed it to leave. Khor felt the magic welling up inside him and directed towards the pain.
It soon began to fade away and he slowly sat up. A very small room was lain out before him. There was his cot in the corner and a small, one legged table in the center. In the other corner was a bookshelf.
To his right was a large wooden door with a metal grille. Khor slowly pulled back the blanket, swinging his feet over the edge of the cot and resting them on the floor. That was the next thing he noticed. His things were gone and he was wearing a white shirt with white pants.
His boots were gone as well as Melden. As his feet touched the stone floor he instantly pulled them back because of how cold it was. Khor closed his eyes and slowly returned his feet to the cold floor.
He slowly stood, attempting to remember what had happened. He remembered falling into the mud and drowning but that was it. He inhaled deeply, sucking in the cold air and letting it fill his lungs.
It was as if he had never even fallen inside the pit. Okay. He thought, attempting to take things slowly, Now that I remember everything, where am I? He looked around the room again, not seeing any change in anything.
He walked up to the grille in the door and stood on his toes to see outside. As he peered out the small opening all he could see was a stone hallway lit by several oil lamps. Khor quickly went back and sat on the cot.
He put his head in his hands and closed his eyes, thinking. “Where’s Vathen, The Dark Fields? What happened?” He asked himself. He looked up and saw an oil lamp hanging from the ceiling. Khor smiled and stood.
He looked at the ceiling once more and saw, very high up on the wall over the bed was a window. There was no glass and a small amount of mist was spraying through it.
Khor immediately went to work. He walked over to the bookshelf and grasped it tightly. He leaned it forward and all the books spilled out, creating a large amount of noise. Khor winced and waited silently.
When nothing happened he dragged the bookshelf over to the other side of the room. He set it up against the wall, underneath the window. He also grabbed the small table and placed it next to the shelf.
Khor silently stepped onto the table and reached up to the bookshelf. He could only get his wrist on top and pulled himself up. As he stood on top of the bookshelf he realized he was still a very long way from reaching the window. He looked around again and noticed the oil lamp.
It was connected to the ceiling by three small chains. Khor jumped at it, barely getting a grip on the chains. He swung and hung in the air for a moment. He looked up and saw the place where they were bolted into the ceiling. The bolts began to vibrate slightly and they finally gave way.
He fell on his bottom and stopped to wince at the pain. Rubbing the injured area he walked back over to the table. After quickly climbing back on top of the bookcase he looked up at the window.
Khor whipped his sweaty hands on his pants and threw the oil lamp up to the window. The small basin that held the oil caught onto the edge of the window. “Yes!” Khor whispered to himself.
He slowly pulled on the chain, testing its strength. It moaned under the strain and Khor quickly yanked down, pulling himself higher. The chain broke and he jumped the rest of the way, clutching to the edge of the window.
Khor laughed once triumphantly. He pulled himself higher and heard the door behind him slam open. He quickly swung his foot up and got it to the other end of the window.
He felt something grip his ankle and pull back. He resisted it and pulled on the edge of the window harder. The thing tied around his ankle pulled harder than before and wrenched him from the window.
He fell down, landing in the middle of the room. There was a tall man dressed in full armor. He also wore a helmet with a thin black visor that concealed his face. He had a long soft purple cloak tied to the back of the armor.
The stranger was also carrying a chain in one hand. The other end was tied firmly to Khor’s ankle. He reached down and grabbed Khor by the color of his shirt. Khor was surprised by how easily he was hoisted into the air.
Getting a closer look now, Khor saw the armor was mainly worn white and blue in some small areas. Khor gazed straight into the visor, only seeing his reflection in the darkness.
A muffled, stern voice echoed from within the helmet. “What should I do with him?”
“Put him down.” Came Khor’s voice mockingly.
“Take him to the long haired one.” Came another voice from down the hallway. Soon another fully armored man came into view. He was even taller than the one holding Khor but had red spots instead of blue.
The armor made a small, but not annoying sound when they moved. Like pieces of metal rubbing together without the screech. The man wearing red stepped out of the one who was carrying Khor.
Khor pathetically hung in the large man’s grip. He was carried down a long, well lit hallway. The hallway was also stone but painted white. Although faded in some areas the white hallway reminded Khor of the academy.
Khor was taken left down an intersection and down another hall, this one lined with several doors. They eventually reached a door looking exactly like the one Khor had come from.
The man stopped in front of the door and rummaged through a pack tied around his waist. He eventually found a ring with several different keys hanging from it. He thrust one into the keyhole on the doorknob and turned it.
The door swung inward and the man set Khor down. From the doorway he saw a room larger than the previous one. There was one cot in the corner and a larger table in the center. There was a large bookshelf and a small corner with a few chairs and cabinets.
Sitting in one of the chairs was Vathen. All his regular clothes were gone as well and was wearing a long sleeved white shirt. It was obviously too large for him and it sagged at the shoulders. He was wearing the same kind of white pants as Khor.
Before entering Khor instantly looked to the wall, searching for a window. When he saw there was none he stepped into the room. He heard the door slam behind him and he slowly stepped towards Vathen. As he approached Vathen gestured towards the chair next to his.
“Where are we?” Khor asked immediately, sitting next to Vathen.
“I honestly have no idea. I do not know what our captors want with us but they are apparently the ones who saved us.”
“Oh yea! What happened to me? I mean, at first I was drowning then I became unconscious. I don’t remember anything else.”
“I picked you up and attempted to clear your throat but you were to far gone. I saw figures through the rain. They knocked me unconscious and I woke up in another room. They brought me hear after I attempted to escape.” Khor smiled and replied,
“Well it seems we won’t be getting out of here for a while then.”
“I agree. Now that we have some time, Khor, I will be willing to answer any of your questions. I have been extremely unfair to you. I continue to make promises of explaining everything but we always get ourselves into trouble afterward.” Khor was at first slightly stunned. He had almost completely forgotten about the past, merely wanting to deal with the problem at hand. Now hundreds of questions swarmed into his mind.
“Well… well, where do you go whenever you say, ‘I’ll be back in so and so days’?” Vathen stared at the floor silent then slowly answered.
“I meet with an informant on extremely important business. Concerning things that you are not meant to know yet.” Slightly angered but continuing Khor asked,
“Um… When do I get to use my magic again?”
“Soon.” He answered immediately, “The conditions are nearly met. I will admit I wish it did not have to be met here. But, you will need instruction. When your magical powers return they will be different. You might need assistance. Although I’m not sure weather I will be able to be there to help. That is left up to our captors.” Going from barely speaking to a fulfilling answer Khor was left slightly stunned once more.
“Okay… Um, why’d you have to where that black cloak when we first met?”
“It was part of the assignment to observe. It just so happened it was time for us to meet.”
“The assignment! What assignment? Who assigned the assignment?!” Vathen became silent once more and turned away from Khor.
“Fine, don’t tell me.” Khor stood angrily and walked over to the cabinets. He opened one at random and peered inside. There were several upturned glasses and three plain white boxes. Khor grasped one at random and ripped it open.
Inside were several crackers. Khor thrust one into his mouth and chewed furiously. He glared at Vathen, the anger soon wearing off. Vathen stood, walking over to the door. As he did his shirt shifted slightly and Khor saw the terrible red scar left over from his wound.
Khor put his legs up on the chair and drew them in to his chest, hugging them tightly while dropping the box of crackers. Behind him, Vathen walked up to the door and heard his voice from the other side of the room.
“I’m sorry my answers are not sufficient… But I cannot reveal everything to you now. I myself don’t have every answer you seek. Please be patient.”
At that moment the door burst open and Khor heard a different muffled voice say sternly, “Come.” Khor stood and turned around, seeing a heavily armored person leaving the room. Vathen stepped out of the room and Khor followed.
Outside were five more fully armored people. Khor knew they weren’t Royal Army. They didn’t have the same uniform of the emblem of the Royal House. Khor and Vathen stepped in between four. There was one leading them.
When the entire group began to move Khor and Vathen followed. They were taken through several rooms and up several flights of stairs. Some merely stone steps and others being marvelous grand marble staircases.
Te group eventually led them to double doors made of oak. There were brass handles and the one leading the group knocked lightly on the wall. The door almost immediately swung open and the two armored people in the front parted to let Khor and Vathen through.
Before they made it through, a voice came from inside, “Jeran, would you come in as well?” The man who led the group stepped in before Khor and Vathen. When the two did eventually step in the door slammed behind them.
Khor quickly looked around the room. It was made of wood and had a fireplace on the left wall. The mantle held several tiny silver and brass objects. There was a leather couch on the right wall and in the center there was a large wooden desk. There were papers arranged neatly on top and several golden pens as well.
There were two comfortable looking chairs before the desk and a large chair behind it. Standing next to the desk was a very tall man. Not fully armored like the others but had a black armor jacket on. It looked heavy and had several large pockets sewed onto the front. It had a large color that enclosed his neck.
He was wearing a thin black shirt underneath, showing muscular arms. He was not large but merely well built. He was also wearing thin black pants that ended at his dark blue boots. He had hair almost as long as Vathen’s but his was well kept and firmly black. There was a scabbard attached to a large utility belt tied to his waist. The sword was small and thin and the hilt was pure white with a soft blue jewel in the pummel.
But the thing that struck Khor more than any of theses other things was the scars on his face. There were hundreds, most red others pink. There were also several scars on his arms. Khor gazed, amazed and slightly disgusted.
His voice echoed around the medium room sternly. “Vathen, Khor… I was beginning to wonder when you were going to arrive.” Confused, Khor looked at Vathen. One stare told him that Vathen was as surprised as he was.
“I am sorry for whatever inhospitality my friends might have shown you. But Khor… You caused us quite a bit of trouble. You would have died in minutes if our Curies hadn’t reached you in time. Jeran, please introduce yourself.” The tall man who had escorted Khor and Vathen reached up and ripped off his helmet.
He had chiseled features and a firm jaw. He had two pink scars on his right jaw and a red scar across his nose. He also had striking brown eyes. He nodded to them without speaking.
“I believe I have forgotten my own manners. My name is Friizen. Excuse me, Colonel Friizen. I am also Head Master of Mourn.”
“Mourn?” Came Khor’s voice automatically. Colonel Friizen closed his eyes and smiled.
“Yes, that is the name of my… Uh, school, I suppose you could call it. That is where you are at the moment. If you wish to know more, please ask.”
“How did you construct a place such as this in The Dark Fields?” Vathen asked first. “Determination. And mostly hard workers.”
“How big is Mourn?” Khor asked next.
“Slightly larger than Spark Bright Academy, I believe. We have a central tower such as the Academy. We also have an atrium, student’s quarters, The Keep, The Nests, the kitchens, and the guest’s quarters.”
“How have you hidden so much?” Khor asked.
“It’s not hard to hide something if you have nobody looking.” He replied mysteriously.
‘Uh, okay. What kind of things do you teach?”
“Ah, I was hoping you would ask. We do have magical courses such as the Academy but that is not our main focus, therefore our students are much less in tune with magic than even you, Khor. We also have combat courses, where our students learn how to defend themselves depending on what Class they choose to pursue. And of course we have our Ability courses, where our students can have the chance to become even more linked to their dragon.”
“Wait, dragon?!” Khor was completely shocked. Dragons? I thought they were all killed in The Destroying.
“Yes, the five founders of this school and their dragons’ each gave birth to numerous dragons. We eventually found students from all over Dyphrobis willing to go through the difficult apprenticeship. After The Wound of the Earth we did not accept students from anywhere, only the children of the accomplished students. This has increased magical ability and strengthened the bond between the soldier and the dragon.”
The shock beginning to wear off, Khor asked another question, “Where are all the students? I haven’t seen any since we were brought here.”
“They are all currently in classes. Which I believe will end in a few moments.” Almost as if on cue a large amount of noise ensued behind the doors. There was at first the sound of a bell and then several hundred footsteps sounding.
“And this is only on in the upper tower. There are many more students on the lower levels of the castle.”
After the sounds of footsteps died away Vathen asked a question,
“What do the accomplished students do?” Friizen smiled and answered,
“Like Jeran and I, they get employed as mercenaries for hire.”
“What? If you’re so hidden how do you get jobs anywhere?” Friizen laughed and replied, “we are currently under hire of something I believe you are familiar with, Vathen.”
Khor looked across at Vathen and saw him stare emotionlessly at Friizen. Friizen smiled in return and said, “I’m going to assume that you do not want Khor to know of the assignment quite yet?”
“What! Even this guy knows and I don’t! Vathen!”
“The time will come when you will know!” Replied Vathen sharply. Khor immediately fell silent, staring at the floor, now realizing his childness.
“Nevertheless, I believe a tour is in order. First, I would like to introduce you to Bykel.” He walked over behind his desk and opened a door that was hidden in the wall. He beckoned to Khor and Vathen and they followed.
Beyond the door was a massive quarter dome. It was made of glass with metal supports clearly visible. There was an open aired door at the fat end. Outside was darkness, broken by the sound of the wind and rain.
Resting inside the dome was a massive, gorgeous dragon. It had reflective black scales that were as long as knives. It had two elegantly curving horns on its head and two striking black eyes. Its claws were as long as swords and Khor felt extremely demeaned as he approached it.
“Is it a boy or a girl?” Asked Khor stupidly.
“Bykel is a boy. He is fully grown. In fact, we grew up together. Most students don’t receive their first dragon egg until they’ve past the exam which usually occurs when they are fifteen. I passed mine when I was five.” Bykel nodded and Khor stared up in amazement.
“How do you communicate?” Vathen asked intrigued.
“As you grow older with your dragon you start to develop an acute telepathic link. We can hear each others thoughts.” He said simpler.
“C- can I touch him?” Khor said, stunned. Friizen looked at Bykel and replied,
“Bykel says be gentle.” Khor walked up slowly and stretched out a hand towards the enormous behemoth. Unseen to Khor the dragon rolled his eyes as Khor reached out one and gently touched the cool scales.
They were flowing in one direction and Khor slid his hand down the creature’s upper arm. Khor smiled, his confidence raised. The dragon’s long thin neck stretch out and scooped Khor up by sliding his head underneath his legs. Khor shouted out in surprise as he rose higher into the air.
He gripped the dragon’s neck firmly and closed his eyes. When he slowly opened them he saw Vathen and the others far below. He looked at the dragon’s face and it shook, sending Khor sliding further back down his neck.
As Khor reached its shoulders he noticed a type of saddle with straps running underneath Bykel’s neck and across its shoulders. Khor gingerly sat into the saddle; there were several pouches and a sheath for a sword.
It had fur lining the seat so it was more comfortable. There were also two horizontal straps that Khor supposed was for holding on to. He looked back down at the others, grinning.
He noticed they were in the middle of a conversation but interrupted anyway. “This is amazing! I had not idea this was even possible!”
“Would you like to take him for a ride?!” Friizen responded. Vathen looked at him sternly and said, “I don’t think-“but was cut off by Friizen making a sharp whistle.
“Hold on!” He shouted as Bykel stood. Khor hastily grasped the two straps with his hands as the enormous dragon stood on all four legs and flapped down with his wings. Nearly the entire quarter dome rose away, pouring harsh rain into the room below.
Khor was almost instantly soaked as the two rose higher into the air. Khor’s breath was caught in his throat as the shock settled in. He, Khor Jushinji was flying with a dragon.
Khor shouted out with triumph and joy. Besides having his clothes soaked through his spirits were higher then they ever were in his entire life. Even in the Academy he had never felt pure enjoyment like this before.
Khor gripped the saddle with his legs and opened his arms, letting the wind and rain bash him, only increasing his happiness. Feeling a shudder he immediately gripped the straps again.
He looked around only now seeing Mourn for the first time on the outside. There was a log slender tower near the center with the large windowed dome at the top. As he followed it down he saw several other buildings built off the main tower. Beside all theses things the one he noticed the most was a half dome, larger than most of the school put together.
It too was made of glass with support beams. Inside he saw blurry figures of many different colors, moving around. There were hundreds of yellow lights piercing through the hazing mist of rain.
Khor realized they were going back towards the dome on top of the central tower and grasped the straps tighter. As they approached the tower he saw white light coming from inside the dome. The large hatch opened again and Bykel slipped in.
He landed much easier than Khor had anticipated and Khor gently let the straps go. He realized his hands were used to doing so and had become stiff. He flexed them and slid off Bykel.
“That w-was am-mazing!” He said chattering from the cold of the outside. Vathen was smiling slightly and Friizen was laughing. They both walked over to him and Friizen asked, “How was it? Were you scared?” Khor shivered and shook his head.
“Good. Vathen, would you like to tell him?”
“Tell me what?” Khor asked suspiciously. Friizen pointed to a small stack of towels and one came flying over. Khor caught it and repeated the question.
“I plan on us staying here until it is time to move on. Do you agree?” Khor pulled the towel over his shoulders and thought. “Yes.” He said.
“Excellent. We will have rooms prepared for each of you and, Khor, if you wish it; you can begin lessons with the other students.” Khor looked at him and said,
“Uh… Just give me a while to think about it.”
“Very well. Jeran, would you please escort them to their rooms?” The man standing behind them nodded and left the dome, Khor and Vathen followed. I might be able to call this place my home… Maybe…
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hmmm. I'm not sure I like the riding the dragon. I think it's abit unoriginal but the imagery was nice and in general, it was a reasonable section. Not my favourite though. Here's some observations -
Khor felt the magic welling up inside him and directed it towards the pain.
A very small room was [s]lain[/s] laid out before him.
Okay. He thought, attempting to take things slowly, Now that I remember everything, where am I? [I think you should add some italics and such here.]
As he peered out through the small opening all he could see was a stone hallway lit by several oil lamps.
Khor [s]whipped[/s] wiped his sweaty hands on his pants and threw the oil lamp up to the window.
The man wearing red stepped out of the way of the one who was carrying Khor.
All his regular clothes were gone as well and he was wearing a long sleeved white shirt.
“I picked you up and attempted to clear your throat but you were too far gone.
“I’m sorry my answers are not sufficient… [s]B[/s] but I cannot reveal everything to you now.
The group eventually led them to double doors made of oak.
Not fully armored like the others but he had a black armor jacket on.
But the thing that struck Khor more than any of these[s]s[/s] other things was the scars on his face.
There was an open aired door at the [s]fat[/s] far end.
The dragon’s long thin neck stretched out and scooped Khor up by sliding his head underneath his legs.
I had no[s]t[/s] idea this was even possible!”
There was a long slender tower near the center with the large windowed dome at the top. As he followed it down he saw several other buildings built off the main tower. Beside all these[s]s[/s] things the one he noticed the most was a half dome, larger than most of the school put together.
Other than that, I'm still waiting for more female characters and when will Khor and Knall meet again?
YES! DRAGONS! *love*
I'm sure you meant here. ;)
Whether is the word you're looking for, not weather. :D
Okay. This is called a fragment, aka, a PART of a sentence. You started in the beginning and abandoned the rest. You could make everything easier by simply adding a word or two: "Some were merely stone steps and others were [s]being[/s] marvelousLY grand marble staircases."
I don't have any problems with the sentence, just the fact that he's tall. EVERYONE'S tall in this chapter, and it's getting repetitve. Find a different way to distinguish him, because I can guarantee the reader is beginning to think your characters are midgets.
Maybe try something like this, if you want to keep the tallness: "Standing next to the desk was a man who, like the others, seemed extremely tall" -- or some such.
Back? Black? Firmly what? *confused*
You're looking for "glance," not stare. Stare refers to a long, blank look, not a quick looksie to the side to see whether or not your friend is surprised or dead or what have you.
Unless Vathen is answering himself everything from "determination" on needs to be a new paragraph. You do this a lot, so be careful and keep a weather eye out. At first I thought Vathen was talking to himself, which is ... well ... weird.
Say what? Its got a nest? We don't really need the list; don't tell us, show us. Cut everything from "we have" to "quarters" out, and consider placing a "we're" in front of the "slightly." That's a style choice, though, but the rest is just ... a list. Lists are B-O-R-I-N-G. X]
ChildISHness. :]
Oh noes, not the dreaded QUESTION MARK EXCLAMATION POINT!!!!! lol *never* do this, unless you're chatting with someone. The "?!" is not an accepted form of puncuation, so don't use it. EVER. Pick one--and if you can't, there's probably something wrong with the way you're describing it. Try making it a question and then explaining their shock/horror/excitement after they're done speaking.
Aaaand ... that's it! I loved it! I loved finding grammar mistakes! :] I looooooved the dragon. I love black dragons, to be specific.
Oh, wait, remembered something else. The last thing you wrote, about Khor wanting time to think about it, it didn't make sense to me. If he loved riding the dragon so much--and he clearly did--why would he turn down the chance to learn more about doing that ALL THE TIME? I would be like "hell yes SIGN ME UP NOWWWWW" ... I dunno. It seemed out of place.
Cheers!
- aisho
Waa? That's long. Well, I'll try not to fall asleep
, here I go...
I don't get this sentance
"he said simply"
YEY FOR DRAGONS!!! That's too cool
-Gman