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Young Writers Society



Unknown Story Chap 9 part 1

by Poltergiest


~Chapter Nine~

Wizards and Spirits



Khor focused on his surrounding and felt them vibrate. He opened his eyes and saw the same wet, cell. He closed them again and tried adding magical energy. A sharp pain hit him in the stomach and he coughed out blood. As he continued to attempt to use magic, the pain got sharper and more piercing.

Khor broke his concentration and coughed up more blood. The red liquid spilled onto his shirt and jacket. He grasped his stomach and twitched. He pulled up his shirt and saw a series of scars there, bleeding freely. He pressed his hand against them and coughed again.

Khor rolled over on his back and clenched his wounds even more. Even through all this pain, Khor smiled. He felt something change. The world weakened and was now bent. Khor was ready for the next attack.

*~*~*

It was a nice morning in Yeseve. Well, everyday seemed the same but today had a certain air about it. Yes, the landscape was still swirling and the spirits were still trapped in this inescapable prison, but, it was a nice place to stay.

The residents of Yeseve got up early just like they did every morning and had breakfast. The young spirits were playing just outside the large building and the older spirits were drinking tea while gazing out at the unchanging landscape. Jlk and Gyth were out, greeting their friends and having a bite to eat themselves. Indeed, it was a very ordinary morning but the days had only just begun.

Very far away, a black spec was just visible in the distance. Spirits stopped what they were doing and watched it come slowly. Intrigued, Jlk and Gyth moved closer to see what it was. Now that it was getting closer, it appeared to be flecked with red and white. The thing seemed to be hobbling along, and very slowly at that.

Vathen was clutching his arm and limping very slowly. At last. He saw Yeseve in the distance. It was getting closer and he saw spirits rushing around quickly. As he got closer hundreds of spirits were crowding him and he fell on his face.

The wounds stung as he hit the swirling ground. Pure white spirits drifted over and flipped him over. They examined his wounds and one said, “Get me the stitches quickly. We need to repair these flesh wounds and check for internal bleeding.”

One spirits handed the one that seemed to be in charge a needle with a long, grey tube coming out of the end.

Darkness began to cloud and frame Vathen’s vision and his head began to swim and things were vibrating violently. Then he felt a sharp thing puncture his arm and he felt sleep coming onto him quickly. “No.” He said. When he did he coughed up a severe amount of blood. He felt it trickle down his chin and spill onto his cloak.

“Jlk.” He managed to splutter again.

“Hold him down! Why isn’t the Kreeper working?!”

Vathen gripped the doctor’s arm tightly and said, “Jlk!” The doctor looked at him, exasperated and nodded to the nurse. Vathen lay back and coughed out more blood. Soon a blue-grey figure floated into Vathen’s narrowed vision and he managed to get “Jelseves.” Out before sleep took him away to a nicer place.

~*~*~

Knall pushed his foot down on the wall. He flew into the wet air just as several dead jumped towards the place were he was a moment ago. As he flew slowly through the air he saw the dead’s stitches rip and tear. Their mouths let out the same terrible shriek that he had heard only once before.

Luckily, the sound was lost in a long roar of thunder and the sound of the rain smacking against the tower’s top keep. Knall closed his eyes… So, this is the end. I didn’t want it to end this way, but… It’s better that the alternative. Knall’s heart was at peace as he fell. It seemed as if the rain made everything calm. Knall let go of Skyzer and spread his arms out wide. He was facing away from the tower but felt the jagged spires fly past him quickly.

He heard the ground rush closer and closer. Knall smiled. “…” Knall spoke softly to the wind to carry him well and to let the griffon prosper and remain healthy. He suddenly felt and extremely sharp pain in his back. He curled up and shouted out. The sound was blown away in the wind and rain. He clawed around on his back, searching for the pain.

A large, long disfiguration was sticking out on his back. The bumps started at the beginning of his shoulder blades and ended at his waist. He tore at them menacingly and his inky skin began to rip. What?!

Two, long, magnificent, black, bat wings ripped out of Knall’s back and extended to twice Knall’s height. They stretched out and Knall drooped. He was entirely exhausted. The wings began to move and try out the new body. It doesn’t matter. It’s too late. The ground rushed at him. The dead looked up and saw the falling Shade.

Before Knall hit the ground, however, the magnificent wings gave one, humongous beat. The wind it produced tore and shredded the dead waiting for him at the bottom. They blew into dust and were lost in the rain. The ashes flew away and Knall hit the ground hard. The impact stabbed him in the stomach, hard. He rolled over to his back and got hit many times in the eyes with rain. The closed his eyes and cried. Tears mixed with rain as he lay there crying. He felt death coming. It was here…


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2631 Reviews


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Thu Sep 20, 2007 7:51 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Hmmm. I have to agree that the coughing up blood was over used but other than that, the plot was reasonable and I like Knall's new wings. That part was cool. Other than that, just the usual few minor suggestions -

Khor focused on his surroundings and felt them vibrate.

Well, everyday seemed the same but today had a certain air about it. [This could be improved. Perhaps something like 'Well, every day seemed the same but today had a certain air of (insert word here perhaps change, peace or something) about it.']

He suddenly felt [s]and[/s] an extremely sharp pain in his back.

Overall, not my favourite chapter but the story is developing well and I'm just wondering if maybe you have too many male characters. There hasn't been a girl mentioned in ages...




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Sat Jul 28, 2007 5:30 am
sokool15 wrote a review...



Er...wow. You seem to favor the coughing up of blood as a suitable punishment for any past unknown wrongs ALL of your characters have every done. Hmm...

I'm already past this part, so I'll stop wasting my time and keep reading in the one you sent me. Maybe I'll drop by part 2 just for fun(ah, and points).

Cheers4now! 8)




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Thu Jul 26, 2007 8:11 pm
Fan wrote a review...



Hi! Let's begin...

He closed them again and tried adding magical energy

-Adding to what? Just give us a hint. :wink:

TIP: put the chapter title in bold to make it stand out.

And damn, I still see squares.

Good piece, keep it up! 8)




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Thu Jul 26, 2007 4:17 pm
greenjay wrote a review...



One spirits handed the one that seemed to be in charge a needle with a long, grey tube coming out of the end.

One spirit handed

The closed his eyes and cried

Then not the

Goodjob once again.

-Me





oh to be a cat in a pile of towels
— ChesTacos