~*~*~
“Knall. Knall!” Knall but forcibly brought from his pleasant nap. He reluctantly looked up and saw Derez at the wheel, shouting his name.
“Bout’ time your awake! I’ve been calling your name for ages. Anyway, we’re nearly there. See those trees up ahead, that’s our stop.” Knall stood in the rocking boat and looked past the bow, seeing a solid wall of trees, and beyond that, darkness.
He tried looking left and right but only saw open fields. They were now approaching the trees faster. “How long was I out?” Asked Knall as he walked up to the helm. “All day and all night. You were really out.” He laughed and continued, “I’ll jump out and you throw me the rope.”
“What!” Derez thrust a rope into Knall’s hands and jumped off the port side to land very far away on the grass. Knall ran up to the edge and saw the rope was tied to the mast.
He took it and heaved it as far as he could. It swirled through the air and Derez caught it on the other side. Knall breathed a sigh of relief and leaned against the mast and closed his eyes.
There was a sudden moan of strain on the wood and the boat stopped suddenly, launching Knall forward. He landed on his hands and immediately pushed himself up, looking around.
The rope was tied to a tree in the front line of trees. Derez lazily saluted Knall and jumped, landing on the rope and running across it. The impressive display of balance was ruined due to the fast that he fell on his face into the boat.
Knall sniggered as Derez recovered himself. “Not funny.” He replied, brushing off his clothes. “Get your stuff we got to leave.”
“Ready.” He replied immediately.
“Oh. Ok then, let’s go.”
“Are we just going to leave the boat like this?”
“Well, I thought it’d be better if we were off the boat before we untied it. But if you really want to stay, I’ll let you.”
“Now that’s not funny.” Derez jumped off and landed next to the tree Runner was tied to. Knall followed by simply beating his wings down once and gliding over. Derez knelt and rested a hand on the rope. It untied itself and slipped into the water as Runner glided away on the water. “Goodbye.” Whispered Derez.
“Come on, we need to keep moving.” Said Derez as he stood and began to walk off the edge of the forest. Knall followed, remaining silent, not wanting to break the thin feeling of sorrow.
After walking most of the day, they walked under the darkness of the sky, the moon not in view but the stars lighting his way instead. The two walked down the edge of the open fields and the edge of The Hidden Forest.
“We stop here.” This was the first thing Derez had said since they let Runner go. Apparently the two had had some history. Derez summoned two blankets and two pillows. They laid themselves out and the two crawled into one each. Knall immediately closed his eyes and heard Derez say, “Tomorrow lessons start.” before falling asleep.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
This part was very slow and I think you could have spent more time describing the leaving of the boat and such. Instead of saying that there was clearly history between Derez and the boat, why not show it through dialogue or something? Have him talk about it. Other than that, an interesting section and a chance for your characters to interact which you should take more advantage of. Here's a comment or two -
“Bout’ time your awake! [I agree with what Twin suggested and also it should be 'Bout rather than Bout'.]
There was a sudden moan of strain on the wood and the boat stopped suddenly, launching Knall forward. [You need to address your issue of word choice. You're often a touch repetitive, using the same word two or three times within one paragraph. Rather than sudden and then suddenly, why not use abruptly the second time?]
Sweet chapter. I enjoyed it...as usual. I'm still waiting patiently for the next, chapter, though.
*slaps fingers away*
Anyway, I do agree with what Twinflower and Greenjay critiqued, but couldn't find much else!
I'm telling you, though, this constant problem of dialogue punctuation is just starting to grate on my nerves. Sorry, but it's just something that bothers me. Nothing personal, but it makes it hard for me to read. Every time I see it my fingers jump to the keyboard of their own accord and start typing down all the rules for dialogue punctuation.
Anyway, keep it coming! (chapter nineteen, hem hem)
~Madame Kool
Add the bold stuff. I think it will make it sound and flow better.
That's all I could find. Good job! Things are getting interesting, Knall's going to start training again yey! Keep it up!
-Gman
This didn't make sense to me. I think you want to reword it.
It gets kind of unclear about who's talking at this point. If you started a new paragraph when Derez says "not funny" it would be better, I think, and then you have "he replied" after that. I get that he's replying to Knall's sniggering, but maybe it should be "snapped" or "growled", because right after that, you put "he replied" after Knall speaking.
It sounds a little strange that they walked off the edge of the forest. Maybe "along the edge of the forest" instead?
Overall it wasn't bad, but I think you should have more description about the boat and the scenery. I wasn't quite sure whether they were sailing on the ocean or up a river, or what kind of boat the Runner was.
I hope this helped. Keep it up!
~Twinflower