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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
I really like this poem! The imagery in it is beautiful and the overall poetry flows really well. It also makes the audience feel something as they're reading, which is great!
My favorite lines were
"That moment when,
He asks to dance,
A shared deep moment,
In true romance.
He laughs like music,
As careful as rain,
His warmth is addicting,
He takes away the pain."
Like I said before, the imagery is beautiful! Amazing, keep up the good work!
This poem is really good! It flows really smoothly, and I love your style of writing. I especially like the lines-
"That moment when,
He asks to dance,
A shared deep moment,
In true romance."
You described it really well and I could really imagine the moment.
I also really liked the ending, even if it was really sad.
This reminds me of the song "Forever And Always" by Parachute. If you haven't heard it, you should listen to it; I think it fits this poem fairly well. This is very well written; the rhyme scheme is uniform, which is pretty awesome. The fact that this flows well together AND tells an elaborate story also contributes to the awesomeness. Well done!
Aww, This poem was unfair! x) I was literally swooning over the guy in the beginning of your poem, I really wasn't expecting the twist at the ending. \
"A shared deep moment,
In true romance."
Those lines were my favorites in your poems, they just fit perfectly there.
"You left for a day,
Just one simple night,
You heard something on the news,
That gave you a fright."
Maybe in this paragraph you could change a few words to make it a bit more drastic - It works through, it definitely threw me off balance, but reading it again maybe it could be a bit stronger.
Overall a great poem
Aww, This poem was unfair! x) I was literally swooning over the guy in the beginning of your poem, I really wasn't expecting the twist at the ending. \
"A shared deep moment,
In true romance."
Those lines were my favorites in your poems, they just fit perfectly there.
"You left for a day,
Just one simple night,
You heard something on the news,
That gave you a fright."
Maybe in this paragraph you could change a few words to make it a bit more drastic - It works through, it definitely threw me off balance, but reading it again maybe it could be a bit stronger.
Overall a great poem
I was really touched by your poem. It was very descriptive and I could get a picture of the subject like what happened and how nice he was, etc. But really you could have made it better by making it a wee bit shorter? Well anyway as far as my brain and my eyes go, there are almost no mistakes at all. And it was a great poem. I would love to see more of your works. Good Luck and do keep writing!
Hi there, Pixie! I don’t think we’ve ever been introduced but I’m lilymoore, one of the poetry JM’s and I’m here to review, your poem, if that’s alright with you of course.
So, right away, I wanted to cover a few specific nitpicks and then I’ll move on to the bigger stuff.
There are actually two things I wanted to mention in this stanza. The first is the image that you create with the first two lines. Generally, when a man gets down on one knee, it’s to propose, at least in the U.S. though maybe you’re not from the states so I guess I can’t say for sure. If you’re implying that he’s asking her to marry him, then the married aspect is kind of unclear. Instead, it seems as though he got on one knee just to ask a girl to dance.
The other thing I wanted to point out was the rhyme scheme, specifically in this stanza. “knee” and ”brightly” don’t seem to rhyme, at least when I read though it the first time. By the second stanza, the rhyme was more obvious and I ended up going back to the first line again to see if it had happened in the first stanza too.
Remember that the first stanza is the one that you really want to hook the reader with. And I liked the first two lines a lot, they did really grab me (and set me up for what I figured would be something more marriage related as I stated earlier) but the second two lines didn’t carry through with this.
Not going to lie, the accident, the climax of your poem, doesn’t sound all that serious. A broken arm and some sedatives maybe. But think about re-writing the line, or maybe the injury more. Tie some of your descriptions together. For instance, mention his eyes again, something that you already described once but describe it in a different state.
Rhyme Scheme
Personally, I find rhyming to be a dreadful challenge. For one thing, when you decide to start rhyming in a poem, you can’t just stop or go half a poem and then stop. (Well you could but it would definitely be very weird.) For another, if you change the rhyme scheme suddenly, it can confuse the reader. But the biggest thing is that rhyming can really restrict your range of vocabulary.
When rhyming, you restrict yourself to only the words that rhyme with one another. So make sure you keep a rhyming dictionary available like the website Rhyme Zone for a few more options. It’s a great rhyming site. But keep in mind that rhyming can be really hard to do so
Fragments
One thing I noticed about your sentence structure is that you tend to write in a lot of fragments. Well, not fragmented phrases I suppose but clauses (I think that’s what they’re called) but each line seems like only part of a phrase. They don’t ever really form complete sentences but each line is an idea of its own. They just don’t flow together all that well but I think this comes down to the rhyming. I’m sure it was hard enough just to get the lines to rhyme let alone get them to rhyme and make sense.
Still you have a good poem here. It reminds me a bit of a Taylor Swift song that played at my graduation. I can’t remember what it was called for the life of me but it focused in on a few specific moments from a person’s life. It’s very good but with a little work, it would be a lot better.
Anyways, best of luck and if you have any questions, feel free to PM me or leave a note on my wall.
~lilymoore
Okay in my novice opinion in poetry i liked it. The only thing that bothered me was the abruptness of this line "then you heard a loud beep" i know what your going for but really if your going to use this line it should go at the end so the reader doesn't just keep reading with no emotion that line is supposed to trigger emotion otherwise there is no reason for it's existence in this poem. Good luck with writing!
Yo, Pix.
Before we start, know that I don’t often praise poetry unless it hits a certain nerve in my appraisal spectrum. That said, I hope you take this as constructive criticism, as it’s intended to be.
Let’s begin with grammar that follows through the entire piece in a way akin to junior high instruction. Contrary to popular young opinion:
1. Not every line must begin with a capital letter, and
2. You should not end every line with a comma or period.
In fact, there are two ways to approach poetry to show readers and publishers that you know what you’re doing. You can either
1. use no punctuation or capitalization at all, or
2. use every bit of grammar correctly.
Regardless of your choice, I suggest one very important thing: write intentionally. And since I approach a piece always assuming that the writer wrote intentionally, every grammatical mishap and spelling faux pas must appear correct to them, and that’s why it bothers me greatly.
The next over-arching piece of advice for you is that you should be very aware of how much you force your words into a rhythm and rhyme scheme. You have a great potential narrative here, and it has the promise to touch someone in the nerves, but when your narrative, voice, diction, and all else are cut off by a simple third-grade rhyme scheme, you lose me immediately. Furthermore, if you do choose to apply a rhyme and rhythm scheme, you should be very sure to stick to it throughout and avoid slips such as “He laughs like music / as careful as rain / his warmth is addicting / he takes away the pain.” With each line in this stanza, you hit a scheme of 5/5/6/6. It doesn’t flow well, and that’s a big nyeh in poetry.
Hitting the stanzas particularly, now, for nit-picks:
Stanzas 1 and 4 end up describing the boy’s physical appearance, which has no relevance to the piece other than trying to give girlish eye-candy that doesn’t connect. If something fails to further your narrative or deeper meaning, it has no place in your writing.
If you use rhymes, be cautious that you don’t use clichés. You use several of them, hitting to the tune of dance/romance, rain/pain, and night/fright.
“Then you heard a big beep” actually made me stop and stare at your words, making sure I didn’t miss anything to make it flow. And I didn’t. It doesn’t flow, and I’m sure you can come up with something better, especially considering you used the verb “beep” earlier in another form.
I’m sure you can shape this up into something admirable, given some tender love and care. Pay attention to what you’re doing, and write intentionally. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
-Lumi
Thanks so much, Lumi. This actually helped. : ) I'll take all this into consideration.