Young Writers Society

HEY PIXIE!!!

I enjoyed this poem, a lot; I really enjoy the simple irony in the rhymes. Although I think you could have been a little more abstract on what kind of hell (sorry, Dante's Inferno ruins you forever) - considering there are many types of hell. Different religious reproduced of heaven, and hell.

And that would be my only critique, I'm not allowed to be a Grammar Nazi or Spelling Nazi because I'm a horrible speller, plus I didn't see any

Good Job Pix! Keep Writing!

Hi PixieStix!

I agree with Cspr... it does appear to be a creepy nursery rhyme! So, kudos to you for this. The main thing that made me guilty was your mention of "shaft" but that's mostly because I've read too many romance novels for my own good. Seriously. I should stop reading them so much.

In any case, I just wanted to comment that the end seemed a little anti-climatic. What exactly do you mean there? Do you mean that Hell is exactly the same as Heaven? Or that there is a certain game that people didn't play in Hell which they played in Heaven? I mean. I understand the idea of Heaven and Hell in the Christian religion... don't get me wrong! But, your portrayal of it in the very last stanza begs for clarification. It just seems really odd.

Anyway, hope that helps!

So, interesting rhyme. It made me feel like I was reading a nursery rhyme. That partly freaked me out. And I'm partially German, so we got the market on weird-tales-to-scare-children, I believe. This is like the story about the girl who played with matches.

But it sort of isn't. There isn't a moral to this story, other than: If you can't get admittance to heaven, become the king or queen of hell. Which is fun.

However, it was very simplistic. Admittedly, the rhyme impressed me. Rhyme always impresses me. I sort of need to get over that. It's like still being in love with your ex or something. So, yeah. I suggest adding something else. Description. Personality. I was basically nodding along until the last stanza where I went, "Oh. I like that." I did a bit of a double-take, even.

So, yes. It worked fine, but it could be better. Of course, everything could always be better.

Simply, even in poetry, try to show instead of tell. There's a reason why I was nodding along, but not too involved. You were preaching to the choir--almost literally, as I grew up in church. If you show me examples of the pros and cons of each place, I'd be more into it.

Basically, feel free to step out into even free verse and give us some juicy description and showing, yeah? Want to feel the heat of fire on my face and see the gleam of golden streets. Or something.

Or leave this be and try those suggestions out in something new. I'd drop by and review (probably) if you tried my suggestions out in a new piece. Because it would be curious.

Anyway, keep writing. Hope I helped in some small way.
-Cas

You are right and I agree with you. Actually there is no heaven and hell. It is what we make out of our life or how we live it. And really, We are going to go nowhere if we keep on dreaming of hell and heaven instead we should work on our life to make it as heavenly as we want. So anyway, this is a very good poem and I loved it because each and every line in there is the absolute truth. And i really appreciate it that you managed to maintain the 2-2-2 pattern of the poem till the end. It sort of has a rhythm and really there is link between the lines of your poem and it is a good thing. You have weaved your poem very well indeed. Good work and keep writing. ^_^

Ooh! I liked this! There are a few verses that seemed a little awkward:

[quote]In Hell there are lonely shafts[quote] Just felt a little weird to read.

[quote]In Hell there's words and knives[quote] Should be "there are" not "there's".

[quote]In Hell you turn to shreds[quote] You don't really turn to shreds, you get torn. Maybe try "In Hell you're torn to shreds"?

That's about it! Cheers,

Luxe

Mann you had me going i was going to say hell isnt always sad it can be funny... i really like how you said game and im really hoping you meant video games. it made me laugh as i thought back to all the games ive played

Hey PixieStix, Alliyah here to review your poem! Great job with finding rhyming words for everything, and also having alot of diversity in your words.

Edits:
You forgot to capitalize 'hell' in the secound stanza. In the 3rd stanza I'm not sure it makes sense to put there are words in Hell because in the next stanza you say that there's talk in Heaven, so it's almost contradictory.

I like the rhymes laughs and shafts in the 4th stanza because it's a Near-Rhyme instead of an exact one and those are always my favorite, because I think they're the most creative and add some more diversity in the sounds in the poem, while keeping the rhyming and flow going, so good job there. But I might change "there are" to "there's" again in order to keep it consistent because you have the repetion of "In Heaven/Hell there's____" in every line before. Another idea would be to maybe change some of the "there's" to more descriptive or visual verbs. An example would be instead of "In Heaven there's talk and laughs." you could change there's to be "In Heaven laughter and talk ring out." and you could figure out other descriptions that would add to what the reader sees, hears, and feels when reading the poem.

Another suggetion I have is to take away the dot dot dot at the end of the 5th stanza because I'm not sure it actually adds anything.

I like the way you ended it, with a confusing little stanza for the reader to think about and interpret.


Thank you for posting, I look forward to reading more poems and other work written by you!

~Alli-wa~