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125,020 Literary Works • 672,733 Reviews
Sorry this took so long to get to, I've been sick. So let's get started!
The comma should be a question mark and there should be a period after "countered".Nitpicks:
There should be a comma after skinny, I think.
Questionmark after "arguing"
When the sentence after a quote isn't describing the way it was said, there needs to be a period in the quotation marks and a capital after. And reword that sentence. So it sounds like "He wasn't actually going to sleep. It would be impossible in this chaos. Instead, he planned on leaving his body."
This is rambly and confusing. Try to reword more clearly.
Semicolon after the word "question".
I would take out the "bus" before "doors" it sounds too repetitive. Comma after "open". I would change the comma after body to a period. It makes a bigger statement. Add a comma after "behind" too.
Put either an "and" or a period after the word "second".
Add a comma after "Mr. Cox"
Put a comma after "Up" instead of a period.
Make the comma an exclamation point.
Overall:
You did a good job. This is a really interesting story, and it's really origional. You have to watch out for your punctuation and try not to do runon sentences. I like the story though! Good job.
Definetely want to read more. Good job on the chapter. Sean and Mandy, I don't really know kind of what their purpose is they aren't doing much. You could have lots of oppertunities with them, play up their characters a little more. You could make something out of Sean looking to where Demetre's Astral Body. It would definetely be a good twist in the story.
Hey, Amon!
Sorry for the long wait... Asxz had me pretty busy critiquing her stuff.
Finally, here is your review:
Something about this name is weird too me. Maybe it's just not common where I live, but the way I spell it is Dmitri. Did you want the name to be pronounced Duh-mee-tree?
To me, this looks like the goddess, Demeter.
Pretend the reader has never had a headache, either on a bus or not. This means you need more description.
What does his head feel like? Does the noise grate his ears? Does each speed bump send a sharp pain through his forehead?
This needs to be two sentences:
"You could take a crap. That always clears my head,"
Comma after no.
So Sean just carries around a bottle Advil?
That is...
-- Weird.
-- Unrealistic.
-- Against school rules (all drugs must be with the school nurse)
Remove the quotations marks after he said.
Two things here:
--You didn't mention that he had a crush on Mandy. From the beginning, he should be looking at her in a romantic light, or act awkward around her.
--Where did he get the water?
It is here in the story that you introduce Demetre's "astral from". The whole time a read the explanation paragraph on his "astral form", I was very confused.
The paragraph was very rushed and gives little or no backstory of his power. I still have no idea what it is. So he can space out? Oooooh... magical. You need to explain his power a lot more. Describe what happens during his out-of-body escapade, and provide some more back story.
De-capitalize paramedic.
Overall
This was pretty good, Amon.
The only problems I had with it were a lack of explanation.
Also, from reading some of your previous chapters, you have brought in a lot of characters, and none of them relate to each other.
The reader will get confused when you abandon the first plot (with Nick (I think that was his name) and Veronica (that girl...) and introduce tons of new major and minor characters.
PM me if you have any questions.
Hope this helped,
Sakura
Hello Amon! I'm Storm and i shall review you story! I really liked this, the powers and two chapters per each person. Then everyone will come together at the house Ethan is at right? Demetre is cool, he's like a shaman ( a person who can take his spirit out of his body) right? Okay to the review!
"You could take a crap, that always clears my head," his other friend, Sean, added. (I think that's correct)
Mandy was a short, pale girl with short black hair that matched her dark clothes.
Question mark not comma.
Period not comma.
You don't need the last quotation mark.
Demetre took out three pills and washed them down with a swing of water.
Period not comma. H in he is capitalized.
Comma not period.
asked Mrs. Stevens, her voice quavering a bit.
That's it i found! Like i said i love how you're going with this and love the healer and shaman idea. Good job! PM me when you have the next chapter out! Thanks. -Storm
[quote]
Oh! I absolutely adore this new addition! Very creative, lovely job.
I honestly don't have any comments. The grammar Nazi's shall be following behind me though.
Little comment actually~
Sean and Mandy should have more of a character. They seem like bystanders but they actually pose quite a position in the story I think. Build up their character a bit please.
I liked Demetre. Interesting personality really. I love the thought of Astral Bodies. I want to be able to that... (wistful sigh)
That's all. Thanks, wonderful! Gosh I liked this...
Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody