Phoenix Saga Chapter 7 Annie Small

by PhoenixBishop
  • March 14, 2009
  • Novel / Chapter
  • Fantasy
  • Phoenix Saga
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Storm_Bringer
Review
Storm_Bringer wrote a review · Mon Apr 06, 2009 1:25 am

Hey Amon. Wow. It took a while to give this one a review. Why is it your last chapter? I liked how it was moving along. I wanted to read more of it... Anyways, I love your avatar. :D
Nitpicks!!!!!!!!!

One of those bright days where everyone went out to enjoy the sunshine, be it shopping or getting a tan or just playing outside.

How can they enjoy the sunshine by shopping?

“Hey you ten in the back, she screamed over the roar of the crowd come to my line it’s shorter.”

"Hey, you ten in the back," she screamed over the roar of the crowd, "Come to my line it's shorter."

“It worked did it not.”

"It worked, did it not?"

“I’m still not going to be rude.” She sighed this was going to be a long shift.

Comma not period after rude. Comma after sighed.

It was two years later that he died. From a heart attack leaving Annie with Abigail.

It was two years later that he died from a heart attack, leaving Annie with Abigail.

Annie to get a job at twelve if she was to get anything she wanted.

I don't think 12 year olds can have jobs, like in stores or anything. And boyfriends already? Sheesh.

At least she had some one to talk to at work.

Someone is one word.

She dumped the trash into the can and was about to clean the counter when it hit her it her the world spun around her colors blending together until they stopped abruptly but she wasn’t in the movie theater lobby anymore, instead she was in her house and on the floor was Abigail sprawled on the ground her body scorched as if by fire but it was in only in one place her heart and it had made a hole.

WOW! That's one long sentence. I suggest you split it up. I am also confused on the 'it hit her it her the world' part. I think you mean't 'it hit her, the world' instead.

theater Samantha helping her up.

Comma after theater. Plus, who's Samantha? I thought her friend was Nicole.

“What happened you just kind of fainted?

Comma after happened.

It’s probably just a twenty- four hour bug.

Change a with the. Isn't the 24 hour bug throwing up, and stomach sicknesses, not light headedness?


She ran out the door at a full sprint.

Why would she run right after that? She would be very disoriented, so she'd be too tired to run.

After that it was a bunch of small stuff a pop quiz or some small mistake she would have.

Comma after stuff.

“Annie didn’t like Abigail much but she was her last bit of family.

No quotation marks.

He ignored the bus driver’s statement as she paid

It's she not he!

“Come on Come on,”

"Come on, come on,"

phone each ring heightened her anxiety.

Comma after phone.

“Darn it she shut the phone knowing Abigail never checked messages.

Darn it," she shut the phone...

plan she decide it could be murder

Period after plan. Capitalize the s in she.

step moms death which meant she would half to enter the secret door

step mom's death. Half is have.

Okay. That's it for the nitpicks. Well, i liked it. Too bad your not going to write more of it. PM me if you do.
~Storm

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Storm_Bringer
Comment
Storm_Bringer commented · Mon Apr 06, 2009 1:14 am

Sorry. I posted twice.



I'll admit the two turtle doves are growing on me, but there are ten birds in this house already and we both know geese are feathered bioweapons of mass destruction.
— Silvern