Phoenix Saga Chapter 1 (Edited)

Hey there! Sorry it took me a bit to get around to your review, but I'm here now! I have two major things I'd like discuss: the actually writing and the content.

The Writing

The one thing that jumped out at me most with this was that it's your first chapter but it doesn't serve well as a beginning. Beginnings are incredibly important because it decides whether someone is going to continue reading your novel, or put it back down. At this point, I'd put your book down. Nothing of great conflict is going on, I have no reason to care about your character, and you had no hook whatsoever. Here's a great article on how to write hooks: How to Write Your Novel's Hook

One thing that hindered your beginning more than anything else is the telling/backstory you gave us. You told us about his love life, you told us what Veronica is like. You never really showed us anything, let us experience the story, let us get inside your characters head. I don't feel that I'm interested in your character. Before you can throw us into the middle of this weird relationship between him and Veronica, I need to care about him. The best suggestion for this that I can give is to check the Knowledge Base for articles on story beginnings. Beginnings are the most difficult part of a writing, and I would honestly suggest just writing this and getting it down, keep going, and clean it up later. You may find you need to start your novel in a completely different place later on.

The second thing that stuck out to me was that these scene was cut in the middle. Do you have a second part to this, maybe? If this is all of your scene, you may need to recraft it. A good scene should have a beginning, middle, and an end - even if the end is a cliff hanger. The focal point of this scene, obviously, is his interactions with Veronica. Since that's what's important, you need to write the scene around that. It's your focal point for the scene. Try to use that fact to know how to begin your story, how to hook your reader. Maybe you start with her grabbing him, instead of him wandering around the school?

Content

The major part of your content that jumped out at me was that this was set in middle school and yet it's very much like high school. I don't know about you, but my middle school didn't have a cheer-leading team. We also didn't have a class president, because there are no real classes in middle school like in high school. I suggest you move this to a high school instead, to make it more realistic, or if you're set on the middle school thing, think back to your own middle school, or talk to middle schoolers on this site, to learn more how it's different from high school.

The second thing that jumped out at me is a bit of a personal matter but I know you weren't intending any insult.

He often wondered if Veronica was bipolar. There were two sides to her- the superficial cheerleader that fussed over a broken nail, and the fierce red head that could probably kill him if she wanted to.

Being that my best friend has bipolar disorder, I can tell you that the description you give following is not someone with bipolar disorder. If this was first person and you were trying to show the ignorance of the character, perhaps I'd let it slid, but even then this is just a line of pure ignorance. Which is okay, because not many people truly do understand bipolar disorder. Being that I lived with this friend for a year, I understand it fairly well as an observer. I texted her this part of your story, and she said your character is more overdramatic than bipolar. I'd agree. Maybe your MC doesn't know what bipolar disorder is, and he is ignorant, and so he is biased, but if you want to avoid accidently insulting someone you might want to take it out of your story. Also, for a general not, it's much nicer to say someone has bipolar disorder, instead of saying that are bipolar. People are still people, no matter if they have a mental disorder or not. I hope I didn't sound too harsh with this comment, like I said it is personal but I'd like to correct any unintentional ignorance about the matter.

I hope the review helped! If you have any questions feel free to PM me.

Here as requested, so I'll get straight to it.

I agree entirely with the first reviewer on the awkwardness of the opening. It's not all that interesting to read, either, because it describes a stereotypical last day of school. (Well, I assume it's stereotypical - I go to an old English school, and we have a service on the last day.) I don't really get a sense of Ethan's character here through his observations, in contrast to the rest of the piece, which is quite well characterised. Most of the errors have been caught, but I think they're just proof-reading problems.

The teachers didn’t even bother to reinforce any rules as if they could on the last day of school.

This should be two separate clauses, at least. I'd use an em dash after rules.

However, the next paragraph, describing the students signing yearbooks, gives me a strong image without straying from Ethan's narrative style. I'm not sure why you choose to describe the shed though - will it be mentioned later on? It just seems a bit out of place.

I'm not that keen on the paragraph describing Ethan's reasons for not having relationships. I think that must have been quite a difficult decision for him to make, so try to show us a bit more of it rather than simply telling us. I pick this out particularly because it's quite a clichéd scenario: the MC never gets the chance to make any friends because they move around a lot. It's been done, so make it unique here. Having said that, it is a particular sentence that's bothering me.

He didn’t take the time to get to know them because after his third move he had given up on lasting relationshipscomma including girlfriends.

This is quite a bland sentence. You state a fact, and then you give the reason for the fact. It's not the most interesting kind of writing to read. I'd cut the first few words up to "because", and add a semi-colon after "girlfriends" to link it to the next sentence. That will probably improve your flow here.

Her hand moved quickly across his yearbook; the red pen in her hand blurred with her quick strokes.

You repeat "quick" here in one form or another, so replace one with a synonym.

Ethan hated his nickname, but he didn’t want to upset her by telling her the truth.

This makes Ethan's hatred of his nickname sound far more momentuous than it actually is. I'd cut "the truth" and replace it with "so".

If it weren’t for his popularity, he would have probably been made fun of for his alien initials.

I'd put quotation marks around "alien" so we understand immediately where he's coming from, and don't think for a split second that he's actually referring to aliens...

He wrote H.A.K.A.S into her yearbook. He signed his name and passed it back to her, along with hers to sign.

The last sentence is a carbon copy of the sentence that ends the previous paragraph. It doesn't read well with the sentence before it either, as they're both short and describing Ethan's actions. I'd definitely reword the second sentence and probably cut from "along".

I love the next paragraph, describing how Veronica's written in his yearbook. I'm not entirely sure why, but I think it's the sense of both characters that we get from this single paragraph. Ethan's cringing is almost audible in the writing.

He closed itcomma not wanting to read anymore.

Watch it with these commas. You tend to miss them.

She pouted at the short abbreviation he had left in her yearbookfull stop.

It’s a yearbookcomma not a cell phone,” she said.

For that sentence, I think we need to see how Veronica says it. I'm not disputing your use of "said", but I think you could mention that she tosses her hair or looks away. We need to understand that she's quite angry with him.

Then againcomma as long as he had known Veronica,

I can't find fault with the rest of it. It's mainly the opening that needs some thought, so that it matches the rest of the brilliant characterisation. Your style is easy to read and yet still descriptive. I'd just work on the opening paragraph to ensure that your reader is welcomed in with the same easiness and not wading through the mandatory background before they can reach the actual story. I apologise for not being of that much help, but I think this is a solid opening chapter. If I have one gripe about the chapter as a whole, does it end there? It seems abrupt and quite short, and since nothing really happens, I assumed that this was an excerpt of the chapter. It seems odd to end it as you do.

As a final note, I only noticed afterwards that this was fantasy, so I skimmed the next chapter to see what happens. I think you really have to mention something about Ethan's abilities in this first chapter, or perhaps combine the two, as this is fairly short. As a reader, I would be very shocked to find nothing about abilities or powers in the first chapter, when the character is aware of them and it's from his POV. It's almost as if he just forgot to mention it.

Anyway, good luck, and keep it up.

- Jet.

#FF0000 ">Red=correction of some sort (word replacements are merely suggestions)
#0000BF ">Blue= my own comment
Bold= I like this

PhoenixBishop wrote:
So this was what a last day of school looked like.#0000BF ">I suggest taking this sentence and, uh, deleting it. Ethan had never seen one before and now as he watched it he wasn’t sure he liked it. Ethan watched the skater’s wheel around performing tricks, and boys spraying their girlfriends with water forcing them to run screaming. He watched, feeling glad that the final day of school had come, but not for the same reasons the other students of Walton Middle School had. He had been to so many different schools that each one became less and less interesting to him and he just wanted it to be over. Everyone broke off into their various cliques and talked about what they planned on doing for the summer. The teachers didn’t even bother to reinforce any rules as if they could on the last day of school.

All the kids sat outside signing yearbooks in the cramped courtyard filled with broken down wooden picnic tables, crudely painted yellow and blue, in attempt to hide the splintering moldy wood. In the corner of the courtyard stood a shed, used to hold grounds keeping supplies. A thick coat of paint peeled from the shed’s surface.

All the eighth graders sat at a separate group of picnic tables most of them surrounding Ethan, all of them shoving their yearbooks into his face. He had lots of friends, or a lot of people that liked to be around him, even though he had only been going to the school for the last nine weeks of the school year. Despite his large group of friends he knew very little about any of them. He didn’t take the time to get to know them because after his third move he had given up on lasting relationships including girlfriends. Over the years a few girls had asked him out, but he #FF0000 ">had pointedly declined. He didn’t see any point of putting down any roots in one place. He had been shipped from foster home to foster home, and he didn’t expect that his current situation would end any differently.

Veronica Daniels sat closest to him. Her long red hair fell in curtains around her porcelain face untouched by blemishes or freckles. Ethan could tell why most guys found her attractive. Her hand moved quickly across his yearbook; the red pen in her hand blurred with her quick strokes.

Even if he decided to date, it wouldn’t be with her. She was way too superficial. She was cheerleader captain, class president, and not above flaunting her superiority over others.

“Here you go ET,” Veronica said. She pressed the book back into his hands, along with hers for him to sign.

Ethan hated his nickname, but he didn’t want to upset her by telling her the truth. He guessed he should have been grateful. If it weren’t for his popularity, he would have probably been made fun of for his alien initials. He wrote H.A.K.A.S into her yearbook. He signed his name and passed it back to her, along with hers to sign.

He had a bad feeling about whatever she had left in his book. Slightly worried about what kind of message she had written, he gingerly began to crack the book open to the last page. His fears were proven justified as he saw that her message took up the whole page, written in her usual exaggerated flowery hand writing. He glossed over it, picking out a few words like love, special and other words that made him feel uncomfortable. He closed it not wanting to read anymore.

She pouted at the short abbreviation he had left in her yearbook, “Have a kick ass summer. Is that all you can say? You didn’t even spell it out. It’s a yearbook not a cell phone,” she said.

“It’s all I could think of, I’m not good with words,” he lied. In truth he was actually quite good at writing, and frequently wrote poetry, but Veronica never bothered to learn such intimate details about his life. She only saw surfaces. He began to put his yearbook away in his binder but she grabbed his arm. Her nails dug into his skin.
Ethan cringed back from her. Sometimes Veronica scared him. He often wondered if Veronica was bipolar. There were two sides to her- the superficial cheerleader that fussed over a broken nail, and the fierce red head that could probably kill him if she wanted to. “Read it now,” she demanded. Her bracelet jingled as the charms clashed together. The charm shaped like a bird seemed to be giving him a death stare, as if saying read it now or I’ll poke your eyes out. He diverted his eyes from the charm and opened his book back up.

Not only was the entire page filled with a wall of text, but on the margins she had managed to draw#FF0000 ">drawnpictures of hearts and flowers. He couldn’t understand how she had written so much in such a short amount of time, and still find time to create a border around it. Then again as long as he had known Veronica, she seemed to get things finished at an inhuman speed. Reluctantly, he began to decipher her cursive. He tried to ignore the fact that Veronica had her arm up his sleeve rubbing his arm affectionately.

Great piece. Great read. All I like I've only changed a bit, and definitely not a lot at all Though I do have issues with the beginning. It's way too juvenile.

Besides that, I have nothign much to say, and that is kind of rare (excepting with JaneThermopolis).

Anyway, I look forward to reading more of this! Keep me updated!

Lavvi

I liked this. The beginning seemed a bit awkward, and there were a couple grammatical errors here and there, but then it really took off. There were a lot of unanswered questions that really make me want to read the next chapter. How did Veronica know what his abbreviation meant? How did she write so fast? Why did she bother to write all of that out? Something tells me she's got powers, or maybe even isn't human.

Ethan's reactions seem very realistic for someone who moves around a lot, not wanting to form any lasting relationships that will just be torn off in a few weeks or months.

Here are some nitpicks on your first two paragraphs. My comments and additions are in bold.

So, this was what a last day of school looked like. Ethan had never seen one before and even now as he watched it he wasn’t sure he liked it. Ethan watched the skater’s (should be just "skaters", no apostrophe) wheel around performing tricks, and boys spraying their girlfriends with water forcing them to run screaming (what a-holes. Why would they do that?). He watched, feeling glad that the final day of school had come, but not for the same reasons the other students of Walton Middle School had. He had been to so many different schools that each one became less and less interesting to him and he just wanted it to be over. Everyone broke off into their various cliques and talked about what they planned on doing for the summer. The teachers didn’t even bother to reinforce (should be "enforce") any rules as if they could on the last day of school.

All the kids sat outside signing yearbooks in the cramped courtyard filled with broken down wooden picnic tables, crudely painted yellow and blue, in attempt to hide the splintering moldy wood. In the corner of the courtyard stood a shed, used to hold grounds keeping supplies. A thick coat of paint peeled from the shed’s surface. (Unless that shed comes into play later, I don't think it needs to be mentioned.)

Still, awesome job.