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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Heeeellllllllllo, Amon!
Um, could you try to post your chapters in numerical order? I don't see how this fits in with chapter one at all. ^_^
Either make this two sentences:
Veronica froze outside the door. Her hand hovered over the doorknob.
or add a comma:
Veronica froze outside the door, her hand hovering over the doorknob.
Whoa. Lots of grammar errors here.
Correct:
"Candy Cane, you came to visit your dear old mom. How sweet!" she got up and held out... etc.
Correct would be:
"You killed dad, you killed Brandon, you killed your own son and then your tried to kill me."
the Covenant's.
Comma before young lady.
This was good, but a bit confusing.
Hope this helped,
~~~Sakura~~~
Hey, good piece!
It is a tad confusing, but I'm assuming you're going to keep going with it, to explain more in later chapters? If not, you may want to look through it and re-read it to make it less confusing.
Even though I joined quite a while ago, I haven't been on very much, so I'm still very new to this critiquing stuff, so I'm sorry if something doesn't make any sense.
Anyhoo, here come the corrections:
“Candy cane you came to visit your dear old mom how sweet,” She got up and held out her arms as if inviting Veronica to hug her.
If "Candy Cane" is a nickname, "Cane" should be capitilized. Also, "How sweet", should be a seperate sentence.
Veronica stood rooted to her spot. “Don’t call me that, you have no right to call me that.” Veronica hadn’t heard that nickname since her father’s death.
After "don't call me that", there should either be a semi-colon or a period.
“Don’t be like that I forgave you for betraying your family.” Veronica’s mom said.
There needs to be a period after "that".
Veronica didn’t realize she was crying until she could taste the salty drops on her lip.
"Lip" should be "lips".
“I’m sorry, but they had to die they were getting in the way of The Covenants plans. I loved my family but…”
You need a period after "die" and (maybe?) a comma after "family".
Veronica could tell she was enjoying this for that reason Veronica knew she couldn’t he
This sentence... the first half of the sentence makes a fair amount of sense, but the second doesn't. =/
Well, that's all I caught.
There were quite a bit of mistakes, but I liked it.
I apologize if none of my corrections helped.
If you keep on going with it, make sure you tell me, yeah? =D
I like it, though there we a LOT of grammer errors, like you misspelled sweet and there weren't enough commas.