Phoenix Saga Chapter 2 Healer

Hey Bishop,

Well, I know this piece is old but since you linked the page to me, I'm going to comment

I have to agree with several comments made on this page; this chapter was much better than the first. Actually, couldn't you have started with this chapter? We'd learn so much about Ethan; he's in foster care, he's a healer, cares about people even if it ruins his life and so on.

Also, everything goes by so fast, if would be nice to see some more. The famous showing not telling principle.

And one more thing? At first, the foster mother is called Stephenie, then you change it for Samantha. haha. Surprised no one noticed that

Off to the next!
Tanya

M

A healer being a rare to pull off professionally? Then apparantly all my work just entered the original bin on that one. And I was a good healer for five years...well, guess I am an odd one!

Anyways, Amon. The flow is again too quick for me and yes the end is actually better then the beginning at this point. At least we get a quick answer to why he had to move, but the reality which exists in this story doesn't seem to condone typical social order or emotions. The characters just don't seem to be real to me, they operate illogically, well all but ET. Good nick, btw.

Some word choices bother me, 'blubber like a baby' was one distasteful bit I recall.

You are lacking description of events and I think you could seriously beef them up and probably change the first chapter around because V is not so key in this chapter as the healing ability possessed by ET. Might as well start with the action and have V make an appearance in connection to this. Just a suggestion, but a tough one to look into I know.

Hi again Amon.
Just wanted to see what you were going at for the next chapter. This was actually more appealing than the first chapter. Problem: It's not supposed to be that way.

I liked it. He's a healer. Even some of the professional writers haven't managed to pull that one off. ('Cept Garth Nix but that's because he's a good writer like that.)

You were doing a good job. Again though, please, please, please, add more detail! I want to know more about his life! I want flashbacks, and pondering, and figurative language! Don't put things so bluntly! I want more it more subtle.

In case you haven't noticed, I'm not a grammar Nazi. I prefer looking at the content of the piece rather than the spelling mistakes. Unless it's really bad. Then it starts to bug me.

And develop your main character more. I want to know what he's like. Give your characters life. Make it like you're describing someone who actually exists! I'd like to see some personality.

And, if he's been to through so many families, why would he care about this one inparticular? Tell me!! I want to know!

The End. I'm being so harsh. I'm really sorry, but I'm just trying to help... don't be mad...

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

this was as awesome as the last, it got me and kept me in it If this was sent to a publisher i bet it would get in, and if not the guy who read it is an idiot who does not know good writing when he sees it. I really want to read more of it, so if you could please post more i would be so so glad. So please pleas please do it for me.

Yes it did help. I plan on taking all your edits to heart. God I really suck at grammar, because this is my second draft, ater two of my teachers have looked over it. I see that you have put up your 4th Weavers. I'll review it

Hi! Sorry it took me soo long to get to this but I haven't had the chance until now. But, here I am now so let's see what you got

Ethan wasn’t surprised to find no one paying attention to the teacher in last period, who [s]he[/s] still had the ridicules notion that he could still teach them stuff. Everyone was focused on the clock counting down the very seconds.
[New Paragraph] "Three, two, one!" they called in unison, "Summer!' [s]they screamed.[/s] No one paid the teacher a second glance as they stormed out of the room whooping and hollering. Ethan walked out slowly, trying to avoid any interaction with his friends.

The buses were lined up, ready to take the kids home for the last time this year. Across from the buses were the parents in their cars, waiting for excited children to show up[s]that picked their kids up[/s].

Most of the time Ethan just caught the bus, Ethan concluded from the urgency in his movements and the oddity of him being there that it had to be an emergency. [This whole sentence seems wrong to me. Aside from the grammar mistakes, it's just too choppy. my suggestion: Since Ethan was usually a bus kid, he immediantly assumed that something was wrong and his guess was only strengthend by the urgency in Henry's movements."] Ethan quickly ran to the car as he suspected Hennery was tense. His eyes were wide and his hairy knuckles griped the steering wheel[s], which made his fingers white[/s]. In fact he was completely pale.

“We have to get to the hospital. Stephanie got in a car accident.” Ethan nodded and got in. He was still on a first name basis with his new family and for a reason. [s]but[/s] He didn’t want to get too attached to any one family. It was only a matter of time before they found out about his abilities and got rid of him just like all the others. He didn’t know who his real parents were, and by the time he was twelve he didn’t really care.

“Mr. Brown, I’m Doctor Bell. [s]and[/s] You can see your wife now.” The nurse looked at the doctor in relief and scurried away. Hennery followed the doctor.

“Well, I don’t know how to say this but,” he sighed ruffling his grey hair making him that much more unkempt. “She’s doesn’t have long,” [s]he said.[/s]

“Yes you too she’ll want to see her son before she leaves,” Hennery said. That was the first time he had ever been called their son; in fact it was the first time anyone had called him son. It made him feel good. [new paragraph] The doctor showed them to the room. Lying on the bed was Samantha, her blond curls [s]were[/s] mated with blood, her face bruised and cut. The sight of his wife hooked up to machines in such a horrible condition was too much [s]had broken [/s]Hennery. He fell to his knees and began to blubber like a baby; Ethan patted him on the shoulder.

He went to inspect it closer but there was no sign of her. Cherry perfume permeated the air [s]which was Veronica’s perfume of choice.[/s] He was being paranoid. Cherry was a common scent, he reasoned. Plenty of people could obtain the same perfume at any mall. He pondered this as walked back to the room.