Please give me input. If you have read my stuff before. I have edited this much better
Kyle sat in the front seat next to his brother who was impatiently drumming on the dashboard, Kyle was a relatively patient person but even he was getting board. Six hours of waiting and no sign of the witch they were hunting. He pulled out his knife flicked it open and closed in quick secession.
“What a waist of time,” Kyle’s brother Sebastian complained. “I'm hungry and tired and, I have to pee.”
“Well you have to wait until she comes,” Kyle said. He found that despite his brother being two years older then him Kyle was far more mature, at sixteen he was the one that kept a level head. He was the one to keep his older dangerous brother in line. On those occasions when he couldn’t control his brother’s short temper his sister- even younger then Kyle would step in. The twelve year old girl sat in the back seat playing her pink DS light. He loved them both but performing missions with them was a pain.
They were always lumped together to be the perfect witch hunting team. Sebastian was valued for his brute strength. He could lift a bus with one hand. He was immune to most magic, but had very little self-control. Megan was a genius and came up with the most complicated traps, like the one they were about to set. She wasn’t skilled at actual combat. Kyle was trained to be the smart fighter. He knew three different styles of fighting was immune to minor magic, and he fought with strategy unlike his brother that just punched. Kyle sipped his coffee allowing the aroma to overcome him, without question his favorite smell.
“Hey is that her,” Kyle looked up to his brothers sudden call. A blue sedan pulled into the driveway opposite of them. It parked outside the ranch style house. A tall gangly gaunt woman stepped out. Her long dark hair was tied into a ponytail. From even this far he sensed her power. It was weak and the fact that he could feel it at all proved her incompetence.
The disappointment in his brother’s face was obvious.
“She’s so weak,” he whined.
“Don’t be such a baby.” Megan scolded. She was still playing her DS witch filled the car with sounds of explosions.
“Are you ready?”Kyle looked back at his sister handing her the knife. She put down her DS and took the knife from him. She put it in a large black bag giving a huge smile. With out another word she jumped from the car. She skipped towards the house singing Merry had a little lamb. She knocked at the door looking back only once before the door opened.
“Hello Madam would you like to buy some cookies?” Kyle had to admit that Megan was a skilled actor. He could just imagine her using the full force of her big brown eyes. His brother had the deep brown eyes too. Kyle was the odd one out his brother and sister also shared their black hair. He was dirty blond and had pale blue eyes. He guessed he inherited it from his mother, but he didn’t know for sure.
Sifting through his pockets he pulled out a small ear piece attached to a microphone, he put it to his ear and listened.
“So what kind of cookies are you selling this year?” the witch asked.
“Well we have mint, peanut butter, umm chocolate fudge, lemon, and caramel,” Megan said exaggerating each word with a slight airy quality.
“Playing it up isn’t she.” Sebastian commented. Kyle nodded it was true Megan usually was articulate. She never used the word umm, and she was never lost for words. She had a ridiculously large vocabulary. She was a walking dictionary that sounded more like a college professor then a twelve year old girl. Now here she was babbling in a childishly perky and ditsy way.
“Sounds good I’ll go get my wallet,” the witch said completely oblivious to Megan’s intentions. This witch really was quite lame.
Megan spoke into her microphone when the witch left.
“I vow if I have to play Girl Scout one more time. I’ll tear our father’s heart out.”
“Don’t be a baby.” Sebastian mocked.
Don’t antagonize me Sebastian,” she spat. Her usually calm demeanor was gone.
“Stop being a drama queen, you have a mission and its imperative you stay in character. Don’t get distracted,” Kyle glared at the grinning Sebastian.
“She’s coming back, I will be in touch,” her voice was slightly put out. Kyle would worry about that later. Just so he could get his mind off his sisters fowl mood he examined the suburban neighbor hood. It was nice and quite an occasional person would walk by with their dogs, a group of kids played football girls vs. boys. As far as he could tell the girls were winning but he doubted it was due to skill rather the boys were letting them win. They probably didn’t want to hurt the girls’ feelings. He knew nothing of impressing girls so he looked away to see an old lady pruning her bushes.
What a peaceful life this must be he thought.
He could never have this life. Why get attached to any one place their family moved about three times a year. It was pointless to have friends or fun. His brother would find the rowdiest biker like guys in what ever town they went to and together they caused hell. His sister made friends with everyone even had a few boyfriends in the short time they spent in one place. He ignored all advances and kept to himself, watching them from afar. Yes it was sad that he’d never kissed a girl or even held hands with one, but it was the life he knew.
“Is this enough money for two mints and a lemon?” Megan had turned back on her microphone which caused Kyle to panic. This was their way of alerting each other to danger. He focused now listening intently.
“Yes, will you or your husband be paying?” Megan asked politely.
Kyle stiffened in horror. There wasn’t supposed to be any one else in the house. Their father had told them that it was the one witch they weren’t prepared for this. They hadn’t planned for two targets. They had no clue what this wizard was capable of. For all they knew he could be a master. Kyle couldn’t believe that Sebastian was smiling. He saw this as a challenge.
Could father really have been unaware of this fact? Impossible their father was a horrific dad but he was a great hunter. With skill unmatched, no there was no way he had miscalculated this was purposeful. Was he really capable of sending his children to their doom? Again he realized his fathers’ true goal. This was a test to see if they were able to adapt to any situation. His hatred for his father boiled up to the surface and he punched the window shattering it. The cuts on his hand vanished as his skin nit back together. Sebastian smirked as Kyle wiped away the excess blood.
“We have to get in there now, but not in that way,” he eyed his brother’s devilish smile.
“So how will we get in then?”His disappointment was apparent by the slouch in his shoulders.
“I haven’t decided yet.” There were plenty of possible solutions; it was a matter of deciding which one would be more reasonable. Which plan had the greatest potential of working? The direct approach had a 20% chance of working, around the back 25% at best pretending to be boy scouts 5%. He hated to admit but Sebastian’s way had the greatest chance of surprise. “Fine we’ll do it your way.”
“Don’t sound so glum this will be fun.”
“You and I have a very different view on fun.” Kyle grabbed his back pack, and got out of the car. Sebastian followed his bag was bigger then Kyle’s whole body. “That’s a little much we should go in light.”
“I won’t tell you how to have fun if you don’t tell me how to fight,” Sebastian said.
Both Kyle and Sebastian pulled shotguns from their bags and approached the house quickly hopefully they wouldn’t be seen by any one in the neighborhood.
Sebastian kicked in the door. Kyle fired the gun before the door was completely freed from the hinges. The wizard was fast he stopped the bullets in midair and redirected them at Sebastian the bullets bounced off his as he barreled towards the wizard. He was surprisingly young 18 or 19. With white hair and glasses he looked slightly out of place in the regular setting. He saw his sister battling the witch. She jumped on the table and yanked out six throwing knives and hurled them with deadly accuracy. The witch through up a shield but to the witches surprise they slid through the shield but before they reached her the wizard sent an energy sphere knocking them out of the air. With a flick of his wrist he sent Sebastian flying at Megan. She jumped over his body landing behind Kyle, who sent electricity from his hands. It was borrowed magic so it was weak. It was easy for the wizard to deflect the lighting, sending it back at them with in an added wave. Megan created a shield around them it bounced in different directions, blowing up the walls and furniture.
“Real witch hunters.” the wizard mused. Kyle said nothing as he pulled out a sword. The hilt was black and thick. Ancient symbols ran down the blade.
“Hey guys when we cut out his heart, I want to taste it first.” Sebastian got to his feet brushing himself off. Kyle cringed at the blunt statement.
“So the rumors about hunters are true they really do eat their victim’s hearts,” the wizard sounded amused. “Let me guess when you eat these hearts you gain powers like you just performed.”
Kyle nodded curtly. The wizard laughed you can have this woman’s heart I need it no more. He disappeared leaving the unconscious witch by herself in a room of witch hunters. She was expendable as they were to their father.
Kyle left before Sebastian cut out the heart. He wanted nothing to do with it. He hated the sight of blood. It was more then he couldn’t handle to see a life taken away to sustain his own. According to the file they were given on the witch she was a criminal. Used her magic to steal and hurt people she thought to be weak. When she was angry she set fires to buildings. By no stretch of the imagination was she a good person. Then again who were they to decide who should live or die? He sat outside with Megan who had a similar philosophy.
Sebastian came out whistling as he swung a cooler.
“Did you clean up,” Megan asked her DS was back out and she was moving the stylus across it with quick strokes.
“Hey I got the heart. Clean up is one of your jobs.” He jabbed a finger at them.
“Fine I’ll take care of it.” She looked over at Kyle she knew that he wouldn’t be able to eat the heart if he saw the body. She hated death as well but he was more sensitive to the issue. Minus the one heart every month he refused to eat meat. He was a strict vegetarian. He wanted to help his younger sister with the clean up but his body wouldn’t allow it. He waited trying to look at anything but the box that contained the witch’s heart. After a while Megan came out glaring.
“That was not necessary Sebastian.” She was definitely angry she never used a person’s full name unless she was angry. She called Sebastian Seb and Kyle Ky.
Sebastian shrugged still whistling.
“What did he do?” Kyle asked.
“He cut unnecessarily. It was an absolute mess in there. One small cut is all that was needed.” She howled.
“My hand slipped.”
“How can your hand slip twenty-six times.”
“Twenty-seven actually.”
Kyle felt sick and decided he didn’t want to know the full details.
“Let’s go I have to talk with dad” Kyle said getting into the drivers seat. He wasn’t looking forward to the confrontation that was about to ensue, but it had to be done his father had gone too far this time. He had to learn how not to use his children like pawns.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Well everyone else took what i found already so i will say what liked and did not like on it in general.
Like:
it was an interesting plot
A good intro to it, gave you a general beginning that made me want to find out more
Magic, always a pro for me
A good mix of aspects
Dislikes:
it felt slightly rushed to me
a few confusing parts, though they fixed themselves later, though it was a little annoying to me
it ended
Well i hope you post more of this cause i would love to read more of it.
So, other then grammar nit-picks I don't have much. Just some overall things:
Commas- The rules for comma placement are as follows:
List- Pretty obvious.
Intro- Introducing something in a sentence or adding something at the end.
Interrupter- They act like brackets. Anything that is extra info in the sentence (such as a proper name). You put commas at the beginning and the end of that. You should be able to delete the stuff between the interrupter commas and still have the sentence made sense.
And there is a fourth kind, but you'll really only find it in prose: put commas in every time you want to show a pause.
The fight scene: Expand it. Really, really expand it. Put some more description of how the magic looked, the wreckage, ect. Really make us feel like we're seeing it on a fifty-inch screen.
Dropped names/tags: You do this a fair bit. When dealing with more then two characters you need to put proper names in a lot more often. You use "he" right after talking about Sebastian, but you're referring to Kyle. Even though some of those scenes are between two people, they are two people of the same gender. Therefor you need to give us proper names more often again.
Now for the tags. In places such as this:
We can loose track of who's speaking. Especially since you don't use many tags around this passage.
Overall- Other then the lack of commas, I found your characters well developed, your backstory woven in tastefully and the parallels Kyle drew between the witch's life and his own very well put. Just put in more during the fight scene and add in some commas to make this more understandable and this will be a very eye-catching chapter 1 indeed!
If you have any questions, PM me.
~Rosey
I loved this, and definitely think you should continue it. It reminds be of the Mortal Instruments series, which I recommend. Anyway here we go:
You forgot ".
I think the 'through' your looking for is 'threw'.
I think this was supposed to be dialogue.
I love this it showed that for once an author has a sense of humor instead of being so intense.
Overall I loved this piece and give you a star. Next time just give more detail in fighting scenes.
**Mo**
Comma after "brother". Also, I'd personally use "tapping" instead of "drumming" since drumming on the dashboard actually sounds like a tap, so it expresses a more exact description.
Commas after "knife" and after "open".
You mean "waste" not "waist". Also, you need a comma before after "Sebastian". Whenever the name can be thrown out and the sentence still works just as well, you need to surround it by commas. For example...
My dog, Skip, did his thing.
Jose's brother, Billy, ate his pie.
Comma after "him". Also, you either need a colon after "mature", or you need to start a new sentence.
Comma after "older". Whenever you have two words describing the same noun, you need to separate them with commas. In this situation, both older and dangerous describe brother.
This sentence needs a few commas and probably shouldn't have a dash. Comma after "temper". Get rid of the dash and instead put a comma after "sister" and then say "who was even younger then Kyle, would step in."
Okay, it's late, and I think it will take too long to mention all your commas mistakes, so I'll stop for now. I'd suggest reading up on comma placement, because there are hardly any used, and those used were usually wrong... Anyway, just read up on comma usage. Moving on.
This is a big info dump. You just piled on all their strengths and weaknesses in one compact spot, and it bores the reader when you do as such. You need to show us what they can and can't do gradually, through dialogue, during combat, during the actual trap, etc. Just find a way to spread it out.
You mean "which" not "witch". A witch is what they're hunting.
I'm not completely sure what you do here, but I know you need to separate the song's name in some way. I'm pretty sure you surround it with quotation marks or italicise it.
As far as I know, no little girls call a woman "madam". When selling cookies, I think "ma'am" is the common one.
You need a period instead of a comma after "microphone".
Period after "followed".
What about when he cut his fist while punching in the glass? There was blood, so shouldn't he have reacted?
Overall this was pretty good. The main problem was that the comma usage was bad and you didn't use periods appropriately at times, so that's something to look into. Otherwise your descriptions were mostly good, but every now and then more detail could be used. So here are my last tips.
1) During the fight scene, you fell prey to the usual description blunders a lot of people have when it comes to battle magic. You said stuff like "she threw up a shield" or "he sent an energy sphere". Do you see it? Your descriptions were blunt and didn't tell enough. Describe the shape, size, color, if electricity is rippling around it, etc. Make the image stand out in my mind to make it more exciting. Make it more original.
2) If I were you, I'd try to move away from the witch/wizard stereotype you're using. What I mean is, the witch would be a classic Halloween witch if you gave her the hat and the wizard simply needed a robe. Try to make them appear more normal, but with subtle differences.
Well that's about everything. It was a pretty good start. Good luck with it.