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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
In order to understand this you must understand Veronica. There is much more to her then meets the eye. All of this is really her overacting if you will. I meant her to be over the top. It's tru I have to give beter hints. To me I already know their backstory and future so their actions here make sense, but now that I look at it I see that from an outsiders perspective it is a bit odd.
A piece like this conflicts with two characters from which the reader has no background. Their is no tension between the two and V's advances are just unnatural and a little bit scary. To also bring up this matter on the last day of school goes against reason. If she had any real intention of grabbing onto him, it would have been before high school options were made and before a long three month breath from which many relationships die.
I got my girl after 12th, but only because of a complex situation and I knew her for three years very very closely. There was no last day of school tension or anything like that, but we only hooked up during break before college and after we learned we were going to the same school. So take my anecdote and think what you will, but V's behavior was so outlandish and terrifying that she comes off dangerous at this point in the story.
Also the changes bit, I thought she was asking if he was gay and rejecting her because of it. Which is a bit odd considering she'd ask about puberty before another girl.
Also.. that message. WALL OF TEXT. How'd she write that so quick? Why is it a long rant? Why o why would anyone write someone so revealing in a yearbook which is bound to be passed around during signing? Couldn't this whole situation been resolved by sticking a post-it in with a regular message for him to read? Sorry to sound harsh, but I thought I was reading a life history.
Hello Amon.
I felt the need to review one of your works. I can't review stories that well, namely because I overall prefer poetry. But here's my basic thinking after reading this.
I can't do all the grammar stuff but Haruno got it all it looks like.
Very different writing style. I mean from the rest of your writing. Interesting.
1. The Letter From Veronica
It sounded very unrealistic no offense. Being an eighth grader myself I would say that no one would randomly write something like this. It would be more subtle. Not the whole shabang if you know what I'm saying. Try to think like a girl, (I know, I'm asking a lot,) but honestly. Make the note more stylistic. Make it seem like a cheerleader wrote it.
2. The Main Character
ET eh? If he's supposed to be "popular" his rank would immediately force back any negative light, or anything he wouldn't want.
Make him a bit geekier for this ego to fit.
3. The Content
This was a bit mysterious. But it wasn't like magical mysterious. It read to me like just a teenage drama story.
4. The Plot As Coralie Comprehended It
A. Boy is popular but doesn't want to date ever again
B. Last day of school.
C. Girl=Veronica. Attractive and popular. Does not attract ET however.
D. Girl gives Boy a sweet little letter.
E. Puberty strikes
F. Girl disappears.
Give it more details, the girl seems like the stereotypical popular girl. Hmph.
Alrighty! Done ripping apart your story!
Wait! Just Joking.
Overall it was a a good beginning that didn't pull me in. I would have begun reading it and then decided that this was a typical love story and not wasted any time reading more. The end wasn't much of a pull. She was gone. But that happens in stories all the time!
Give it more depth, more mystery (it being a mystery,) more detail, and more grip.
Really done now.
So, please try to fix this.
I'm being so mean to you right now. Sorry, but I honestly think that adding this stuff would help.
Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody
i really liked it, it gave me a combo of feelings, which i usually do not get from a book. It made me laugh, it made me a bit, a bit, sad, gave me a viv of mystery, left me wanting more and more of it and i will be reading your next one and hope it stays like this.
Hey Amon! Frist off, great story. At first, it seemed a bit cliche but the whole thing with Veronica fixed that and really captured my attention. Plus, the whole creepy ending with her made me want to read on pretty badly :3
Anyway, on to the things I notcied:
As far as grammar goes, it looks like Sakura got the majority of that so I won't go into it. (I'm lousy at it anyway X3) I did notice a few others but I quick re-read should let you find them. There were quite a few, so keep an eye out. Deifyance seems to have gotten the content as well, but I'll give you my opinions on that anyway k?
First:
I liked how you introduced Veronica. She reminded me soo much of this one girl at my own school that I found it really easy to picture her. The part about the red hair made me laugh ( i'm a red head :3) and I thought the cherry perfume was a nice side-note.
One thing I will say is that you repeatedly called her shallow. I get why, but it got just a little bit repetitive. I'd nix any of them after the first time and let her personality do the talking for you, but if you want to keep them in for empahsis I'd replace them with some good synonyms.
Second:
Though the part at the end hinted at something unusual, this whole thing seemed father...flat. I really couldn't feel that much fantasy in here until Veronicas question about changes, and even then it was just a slight hint. The first part of any story has to be gripping; it has to interesting enough to draw the readers in and make them want to read more. Otherwise, they'll just move on to something else. This, personally, is one of my own problems, so I know how difficult it can be to fix it. For me, the suspense of this piece didn't quite kick in until Veronica's note (which, on a good note, was very creepy and stalkerish :3) My suggestion to fix that would be bring out some of the fantasy you plan on putting in here. Just a few more sly mentions or clues that this is indeed a fantasy and not some story about an average guy and his eerie stalker.
Third:
Some more description would be nice. To be honest, I couldn't picture anything really aside from Victoria and a bunch of kids running around. Describe the courtyard some more. What's it like? What are the colors? How big is it? Cement or grass? Smells? That sort of stuff.
And that's about it. Sorry if this was too short and not much help, but most of what I saw has been covered already. Anyway, I hope you got something out of this :3
Ahhh, another masterpeice.....sorta. I personally loved the chapter.
I won't do the grammer because looks like Haruno got em all.
So i'll go on content.
First- I like how you made the main character very deep, just be careful to not show too much of him. Keep the reader guessing about what kind of character he is.
Second- This is only if you mean't to end it with a cliffhanger- It was a little shallow, could use a little more mystery...Only if it was a cliffhanger, if it wasn't then it was a great ending.
Third- I liked how you stated the fact that the girl was shallow, and her reactions showed it.
Finally- I would just lengthen the descriptions of the characters, and try not to rush. you told us right away that he was the cutest boy in school, it would have been nice to lengthen the description.
Overall- I loved it. I wan't to read more, besides the few grammar errors, your fine.
Question- Is this a fantasy?
Hey, Amon!
This was really good.
Just a few nit-picks:
Change "skater's" to "skaters"; they aren't possessing anything.
Change "and boys that sprayed" to "and boys that were spraying..."
When you want it to mean "a small, selective group", the word is clique.
This makes absolutely no sense.
I would rewrite as "...all of them shoving their yearbooks into his face obnoxiously." or something like that.
Foster child? A bit cliche, really. Unless it is super important to your story to have him live in a foster home, I would take this out. It makes people roll their eyes.
Take out the apostrophe.
Put this in italics. There are also many grammatical errors in here, but I didn't fix them because it was a note.
Comma after Veronica.
Comma after Veronica.
De-capitalize she.
All in all, this was very good. I would definitely read more.
I get this weird feeling that Veronica is a succubus or something.
Hope this helped,
~~Sakura~~
I really liked the descriptions of the characters.