The ground is blessed by the touch of your feet.
The wind, by the kiss of your flowing hair.
And I, the honor that again we will meet.
And a path together we both will share.
They all want to end your wandering ways,
and make you now fit their noble ideal.
But your soul is an untamable blaze,
your identity, you will not conceal.
No, you will continue to roam and fight.
Your ventures and travels will not yet end.
Again on the plains, your footsteps alight.
Again you return to my side, my friend.
I will continue to guide you always,
despite the vile objections others raise.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Hey it’s me <3
I really really love this poem. I thought it was really pretty and had such a cool sound to it(does that make sense? probably not). I also thought your rhymes were effortless and didn’t feel forced at all.
One thing I noticed was that you made some lines sentences just for the sake of having a period at the end. For example, I feel that,
“I will continue to guide you always.
Despite the vile objections others raise.”
These two lines are one sentence, so unless it was an artistic choice i think you should consider doing this:
“I will continue to guide you always
despite the vile objections others raise.”
This happened with some other lines to, especially in the first stanza. Sometimes writing it out as if it were a normal sentence helps me out the most.
Other than that I have nothing else to critique! I really loved this poem, I thought it was really cute and i really liked your rhyming! Keep writing!
ella
Thanks, I%u2019ll make those changes as soon as possible!
Ok, cool. I like this. I have some issues with content, but I do like it. The feeling of freedom is one I crave, and reading about someone with flowing hair reminds me of riding my bike, or driving with the windows down: my two main sources of freedom.
It sounds like you're writing about a horse...? Don't have an issue with that; just curious.
I think my biggest issue is that the individual of note is free, and someone wants to tame that, but the narrator says no, AND THEN claims to "guide you always". To me that seems contradictory. If you are writing to a horse, then it makes some sense, but you can't have a tame wild horse. I don't think that's how it works. I did see in one of your comments below that this is written about a video game character, but that doesn't help me a whole lot, as I'm not a wellspring of knowledge on video games.
I think my favorite line would have to be, "Your ventures and travels will not yet end." That has a manifesto feel to it. And I love a good revolutionary manifesto.
I, personally, would put a comma between "the wind" and "by the kiss", but that's the only punctuation issue I have.
All in all, I like this. Thanks for the read!
Thanks for the review!
Wow, reading this again, it really does seem like I'm talking about a horse!
That was not my intention, but it certainly comes off that way.
Thank you for mentioning the contradiction present in the line about guidance. In the context I was originally writing in, the wanderer is a warrior, and the narrator is their strategist. However, since I did not give context, the line is, as you say, contradictory.
I went ahead and fixed the wind line. I didn't even notice I made that mistake, so thank you!
Thank you also for the compliments. I hope you enjoyed this!
Radrook here a once again
to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend.
It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside
all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true
by being extra careful.
That having been said:
Thanks for sharing this poem of someone expressing great admiration and appreciation for the beauty and the friendship of another who doesn't submit to the social pressure to conform. I like the way you use hyperbole of wind and ground to being bless by contact with her feet and hair to emphasis that appreciation and how he too will be honored by joining her as her companion and friend.
Since this is categorized as a sonnet and a sonnet is written in iambic pentameter
I added suggestions below which brings the meter much closer to the iambic pentameter requirement. Not that it has to read exactly like that. Just to provide an example of how it can be done in this particular case. Note that the content and thoughts are the same. It is just the meter that has been readjusted.
The ground is blessed by contact with your feet.
The wind by kissing of your flowing hair.
And by, the honor that again we ‘ll meet.
And a path together that we both will share.
They all desire to end your wandering ways,
And make you into their noble ideal.
But your pure soul is an untamable blaze.
And your identity, you’ll not conceal.
No, you will continue roaming and to fight.
Your ventures and your travels will not yet end.
Again on plains, your footsteps will alight.
Again you will return to be my friend.
I will continue guiding you always.
Despite the vile objections others raise.
--
Thanks fior sharing this very interesting poem.
Looking forward to reading more of your work.
Thank you for the review!
I knew something seemed off with my meter! Thanks for the suggestions, I will definitely consider them!
Okay, I'm definitely taking your advice on the last line. Something seemed off to me, but I couldn't put my finger on what it was. Your rewrite of the line fixed my issue, so thank you!
Is it sad that this was written about a video game character? I guess inspiration can really come from anywhere lol.
@soundofmind
Here's my latest non-NaPo poem! Thanks again for your donation!
I'll get to this soon!
Thanks!