“A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor,”
spoke the old aged whaler.
“A sea that bows down and remains at bay
will not always help you on your way.”
“She gives and she takes,
but in the end makes
a sailor to stand the stormy waves.”
“You are not your father’s sins,
you are a sailor to brave the winds.”
“You are not your mother’s pain,
you are a seaman, and their storms are your gain.”
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,829 Reviews
Hey there, Peiji!
It's very nice, and it has a great rhythm. One quick thing I want to point out is that you are missing your periods, since you plan on using punctuation in this poem. It looks very weird to be using some punctuation and then to not use the rest, so I recommend you add in some periods at the ends of your sentences, or just remove the quotation marks and put everything in italics? But that's just a suggestion, of course!
thank you for sharing such a beautiful piece of work!
Beautiful poem you have here. I love it.
Like I said, this poem is very beautiful and I love the gentle rhythm you have going here. I'm not usually a fan of poems that rhyme, because they can always be so forced, but you did a great job here. It's really simple and easy to follow. I have no complaints here.
Sorry I couldn't be more helpful LOL
- Iggy
Thanks!
Hey PeijiRestoration,
Aley here to review. First of all, I'd like to say thank you for posting your poem here! I know how scary that can be when you're still getting your feet under you. Overall, I think you did a good job with your rhyme pattern. While I don't like rhymes in poems because of what the general assumptions about rhymes and poetry are, I think you did a good job with them. You didn't go overboard and these rhymes mostly feel natural and they all stay on topic, so good job with that.
The poem itself is a bit lack-luster for me. I think the rhyme constraint really hindered your exploration of this idea that easy-going doesn't make strength, hardship makes strength. It could be a fun exercise for NaPo to rewrite this poem without using rhymes just to see how it goes.
I feel like you could probably put more into it if you took it out of speech too. Instead of having a sailor say all of this, why not just jump into his head and have him thinking about it? The speech gets old when 1/11 lines is not speech. It's sort of like painting everything the same color and then expecting that color to stand out, it doesn't work that well.
Anyways, I think if you tried to write this without worrying about rhyming, you'd be able to put more emotion or mental content into it to really push the reader into thinking about the idea. As it stands now, it's a nice poem! I'm glad I read it.
Hey, since you're writing poetry on YWS, why not take a look at Inspo for NaPo and try it out?
Thanks for the advice! I think I will look into NaPo!
And I knew this poem was lacking something, but I wasn't sure what. Thanks for showing me what it was. I'll definitely be taking your advice to make this better!