Hikikomori

Kanome

Review

Kanome wrote a review · Sun Feb 25, 2018 5:36 am

Hello. Kanome here with a helpful review in honor of Review Day. Let's get started, shall we?

NITPICKS:

laying on the floor

emotions nonexistent

door shut

window too

eyes glued

to the ceiling

where things are plain and permanent

and thoughts are blank and empty

There needs to be commas in certain places in your poem. In poetry, sometimes commas need to be inserted to create a pause for the reader. So just put commas in places where there needs to be one. Also, capitalize certain words in your poem. I saw that there was no capitalization. Also, at the end of a line, place a period. For example:
Laying on the floor,

emotions nonexistent,

door shut,

window too.

Eyes glued,

to the ceiling,

where things are plain and permanent,

and thoughts are blank and empty.

Your whole poem needs capitalization and punctuation.

IMPROVEMENT:
You just have to make sure you proofread your work before publishing. Sometimes, capitalization and punctuation are important.

OVERALL:
This was an amazing poem to read. The words flow and create intense emotion for the reader to understand and relate to. Your poetry is not bad at all, it's more of an issue of capitalization and punctuation. I do understand that some people who write poetry do not do that because most poems are usually free-style. Other than that, keep up the great work. Can't wait to read new works you publish. Keep writing and have a great day!

Radrook

Review

Radrook wrote a review · Fri Feb 02, 2018 10:03 pm

Thanks for sharing this poem which describes a person who is an adult and yet is unable to meet the responsibilities of adulthood for reasons that are hinted at. For example, he fears the outside. That seems to hint at agoraphobia. Such persons can become recluses. The late Emily Dickinson. the famous American poet, is a famous example.

Yet another hint is seems to be that the person is and adult physically and yet a child. He or she has motivation or desire, but is simply unable to achieve what others easily achieve. Being an adult and a child hints at emotional and/intellectual immaturity either congenitally acquired or else via trauma to the brain during birth or some post-natal accident.

Another hint seems to be the the person is lying on the floor immobile trying to shut reality out.
Constant failure can lead to a deep depression where the person lies on the floor making his mind a blank and refusing to face reality.

We are told that the person lies on the floor motionlessly but i deep fear. that is a serious contradiction. Being deeply deeply afraid might be hinting at paranoia or an irrational fear that everyone or someone is out to do the person harm.

Suggestion

All these symptoms might be present and reinforce one another leading to the person's behavior.

However, these cannot be the case because the poet clearly tells us that the person is lying on the floor totally devoid of emotions. Then he turns around and tells us that the person is in deep fear. In short, there is a very serious contradiction here that must be resolved in order for this poem to work as intended. Otherwise confusion sets in and conclusions can’t really be reached due to that internal contradiction.

Addendum
Japanese society itself with its demand that adolescents transition from adolescent to adulthood rapidly and without no transitional help can cause the symptoms described above.

More recently, researchers have developed more specific criteria to more accurately identify hikikomori. During a diagnostic interview, trained clinicians evaluate for:[5]

spending most of the day and nearly every day confined to home,
marked and persistent avoidance of social situations,
social withdrawal symptoms causing significant functional impairment,
duration of at least six months, and
no apparent physical pathology to account for the social withdrawal symptoms.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hikikomori