Crown prince, a ruler, a noble, a lord
a few of the titles granted to you.
Respected and loved and by all adored,
my liege I’m forever devoted to.
————————————————————
Undeserving, unworthy, the titles for me
if they knew of my wishes for marriage.
My wish that your bride be no longer she,
the princess brought here in her carriage
————————————————————
Even so, I am your devoted servant.
You ever possess my service and heart.
First loyalty, now passion fervent,
only veiled by the cloth on the tea cart
————————————————————
Though improper to say, I desire
the love of my lord, my one true sire
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey there! Writing a review!
I loved your poem. It has a lot of emotions and desire. I liked the way you wrote the feelings of the servant. She loved the prince though she knew she wasn't getting anything.
She was also jealous of the princess but her devotion was never less.
Excellent writing. You can turn it into a story! I would love to read that.
Don't mind but I didn't like the title. It doesn't match with the poem.
Hoping to hear more from you. Keep it up!
~Maisha
Thank you for the feedback!
Another title could be "Forbidden Love"...
OMG!! I love forbidden love stories! I can see this becoming a full out story. Anyway, I have no critiques for you. It's well written and I can feel the passion, longing, hatred, and jealousy. Your poem is powerful in its own aspect. Keep writing but, never think you are perfect. I may not see them, but others might see your mistakes. Anyway, good luck and have fun!
Thanks!
@ellasnotebook
I think you've read this already, but maybe not.
Hello there! LadyShadows for a review!
)
Now first before going into the nitpicky details of the poem, I wish to share my thoughts:
This poem is BEAUTIFUL! It took my breath away and tore at my heart. I could literally feel the longing that this wonderful lady had. I could even feel the sadness at the fact that she may never have him as a lover (but i'd like to think outside of the literature box: maybe she will have him as a lover! That I can only hope!
Now, going into the details, I noticed that you Capitalized the letters in the beginning of your poem. This is a common mistake, but when writing a poem you would just punctuate like a story. However, I am a freelance writer and I typically write free style poems. SO I will take it with a grain of salt that perhaps sonnets are supposed to be written that way. However, if not, then heed what I have said.
Other than that, I have no other comments. This is beautiful, and kind of sad. Have an awesome day and keep writing!
Thank you! I was originally leaving out punctuation for stylistic reasons, but the poem might actually look better if it was more proper. Thanks again!
No problem! Glad to help!
hey there! Hope you don't mind if i leave you with a quick review!
My overall impression: this was amazing! I don't usually read or even write sonnets, but this was a lovely read. The story of a servant girl who has fallen in love with her master, though he is apparently to be wed to a princess (so he's a prince, presumably soon to be king?). I adore your use of vocabulary which definitely gives this poem a traditional sonnet feel, minus the full blown Shakespearean-type English.
This was definitely my favorite line. This was a sweet story, though bitter-sweet because I assume that her love isn't ever going to be returned on any other level than... perhaps a mistress. Your poem is well written and beautifully tells a story. Fantastic job, and I hope to read more of your work soon! I have no suggestions for you.
Keep writing!
-Katja
Thank you!