Running.
Somethings following me.
Hiding.
I know it sees me.
Screaming.
There it is, it finaly sees me.
Yelling.
As it stabs me with it's bloody claws.
Falling.
There's a dark vortex of pain somewhere.
I'm in hell here.
In my dreams there's no way out.
What is that monster?
Why is it here?
Help is no where near me.
I can't fight back because I'm in so much pain.
My blood is everywhere.
Cuts and bruises cover me head to toe.
In my dreams I find some reality.
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139,642 Literary Works • 672,638 Reviews
Too vague, I'm thinking. You didn't really paint a picture. 'A dark vortex of pain' - well, what does pain feel like? Use metaphors to your advantage. It probably needs to be longer, because you haven't accomplished too much in this one. I can see how this is a rough draft - you have the basic facts out there, what you want to display: Pain, fear.
But you can put in much sharper details. Try to put in some subtle clues as to what exactly is the meaning behind the poem, where are you going with this?
Just spitting words out on the paper won't do. You definitely have something going here, but not quite, yet.
For example: Read this poem.
http://www.geocities.com/soho/lofts/5596/poets/olds.htm
I won't go into the analyzation here, but this poem, though immediately seems to be about a woman who fears her husband drowned (and if you don't know how I got THAT, note me), but the wording and toe actually implies that she's scared that her husband is cheating on her (again, note me).
What i'm saying is, use meaning. Use words to your advantage. Describe, in details, set a specific tone. Have a point.
Hi, I like this. My kind of poem. But one thing...
Review powers, activate!!
Finally. Small error, no biggie.
<---------------------> pun or what?
You mean "no where" should be nowhere.. I think. It just bugs me, may be nonthing wrong with it. You should check, just to be safe
This is your reality?. Sucks for you
In the nicest way possible though.
Passion,
What (and whom) is this meant to address? Thematically, it's vague, and the target audience seems nonexistent. An important part of learning to write poetry, or anything else, is determining (1) what you want to say and (2) to whom you're going to say it.
As for the actual verse itself, the start-stop lines at the beginning at least work in unison with the story being told, but the sudden change midway through seems ill-conceived. Further, that midpoint marks where the poem starts to repeat itself: once the Narrator has been stabbed and fallen down, nothing else happens in the poem except a list of increasingly repetitive re-phrasings of his/her death.
The monster chasing her is not explained, the dream-or-reality element is haphazardly thrown together, and the use of trite expressions ("a vortex of pain"?) seriously hinder this poem from rising to a level where readers can take it seriously.
Best,
Brad
It has potential if you work around it. You have a great storyline you just need to work on it a little more. Overall it was a nice concept I'll like to read it again if you edit it. Good luck.
Hmm... I am not really sure what to make of this...it was ok...but just ok...
Try reading it over yourself, maybe you will see what I mean?
I found it very stop startish, which was probably the effect you were trying to achieve with it, but I found it a bit annoying to read and couldn't get into it without it finishing. It is more like a stream of frightened consiousness really...and I don't think that there was really a message in this...
I'm just not sure
Meevs
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