Rain falling,
Dreams revealed,
Power becoming known,
Everything happens at dawn.
Don't run from your loved one,
It would break their heart.
Moving closer to the person on the other side,
Do you know who that is?
Don't be ashamed to say that you've been looking.
It's okay...
I did too.
Minutes to midnight will scare you won't it?
Move closer to that person next to you.
Dawn is coming so what do you do?
Kiss him!
That's right I said kiss him.
You love him don't you?
I know he loves you.
This date wasn't for nothing.
So kiss him.
Kiss him at dawn.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Wowza! Thanks for the insight peoples. I'm really loving this websight now!
Great title and imagery, but the poem's voice seems a little too commanding to go well with the topic. That said, this is an interesting interpretation of love and certainly poetic. Keep on writing!
That was really good, but I still have a few questions. as the author, are you talking to your friend telling them to kiss him, or to yourself convincing yourself to kiss him because you're in love with him and him with you.
Other than that, it was really good!!
I think a certain critique (I won't point any fingers) here was a bit harsh-don't ignore any of these replies, but remember that some people don't understand that it is more important to speak from the heart (so to speak) than to focus on all the technical stuff. I think people need to learn to appreciate poetic originality in its truest form.
This is hardly a bad poem-it's pretty good, in fact. I'm not going to pretend that I think my interpretation is the one you were hoping for (but I always do that), but I think this is a good representation of what might go on in the mind of someone observing a potential couple (I could have worded that better, but it's late and it's Friday, so please forgive me for not bothering). It's interesting, because it's a love poem, but from a third party's perspective. I also quite liked the graphography here. Well, I only noticed one graphographical (not sure if that's the correct word, but I shall assume that it is, as if it were following convention) thing which I thought was quite effective-the bit where it says "Kiss him!". This is abrupt and the line is much shorter than the previous line, making it stand out. It's only a small thing, but for me that gives the poem an extra mark of of ten.
I have to agree with most of what Chirantha said, but I don't think you should worry about the comment about the poem seeming to be very demanding-friends can be demanding. Not sure if that comment was negative or not, but I'd like to say I think you should think of it in a matter-of-factly way. If you want the poem to be more encouraging than demanding, then it might be worth changing it a little, but personally I think it's fine as it is in that sense-friends always seem to demand when they mean to encourage, anyway.
Finally, as Galerius said some imagery would be nice, but I wouldn't say the poem has no life in it-it's naturalistic, and where is there more life than in reality?
Strange interspersing of honestly refreshing images mixed in with vague ideas that have no substance unless attached with an outside ideal. Take out the second line or replace it with something more concrete so it fits with the rest of the poem.
This whole thing...I can't do a line-by-line critique on what is just bad poetry. This belongs on Myspace. It was a discussion between two people with no energy flowing between them, almost as if the narrator was a computer simulation instead of an organic being. It was a guidebook, an instruction manual, and those are not good pastime reading material. The concept was too hazy to form a picture in the mind (who was he, what did he look like, where were you?) and the narrator swung between being omniscient and an outsider (this could possibly be a good thing, but when stirred with the rest of the problems in the poetry, it's currently not). Put some, any, imagery in here and inject this piece with some life.
Wait, in this poem, you are talking to the girl who is staring at her boyfriend isn't it? Well, it was a good poem. Rather demanding like. You seem to command her to do this and that.
Rain falling, (I don't konw why you started thispoem using that, it didn't make sense to me)
Dreams revealed,
Power becoming known,
Everything happens at dawn.
Don't run from your loved one, (Change this 'your beloved' one)
It would break their heart.
Moving closer to the person on the other side, (You should put 'Move' not 'moving')
Do you know who that is?
Don't be ashamed to say that you've been looking.
It's okay...
I did too. (Put 'that' after 'did)
Minutes to midnight will scare you won't it? (How can it be minutes to midnight when you say that it's dawn?)
Move closer to that person next to you.
Dawn is coming so what do you do? (Cut the first 'do' and put 'should' there)
Kiss him!
That's right I said kiss him.
You love him don't you?
I know he loves you.
This date wasn't for nothing.
So kiss him.
Kiss him at dawn.
So, correct your mistakes.
Good luck.
Okay umm where to start? lol you have a definite storyline its jumbled and confused your only 14 so realize and let go... edit here and there and the poem should turn out pretty great. Keep it up.
i like it
but a bit confuzzled i was
the whole idea in the story didnt make sense