for you

This is a really gorgeous poem! I especially love the use of rhyme between the lines “the sweetness my heart craved... I am bereft and depraved”. Your imagery is very clear and makes it obvious to any readers how you truly feel about this person. Awesome work, keep on writing!

Whoever this poem is talking about should feel elated. The writer is so attracted and smothered about the person that he compares love to a flame. A flame is a fire, fire consumes, fire burns, fire takes down everything in its part. The person is a gem and is so special that he sees past their flaws and doesn't see a life without the person

Whoever this poem is talking about should feel elated. The writer is so attracted and smothered about the person that he compares love to a flame. A flame is a fire, fire consumes, fire burns, fire takes down everything in its part. The person is a gem and is so special that he sees past their flaws and doesn't see a life without the person

Hi, Pan!

This was such a beautiful piece and very much from the speaker's heart. You have an excellent sense of vocabulary, and you handled the rhyming very smoothly. It generally didn't feel clunky and felt like it belonged!

Splitting this into thirds, I'm gonna take a look at each piece. The first part of this was kind of awesome, admittedly! I like this picture of looking into their sunshine-y soul and causing their heart to flame up. It's awesome, it makes sense logically AND emotionally, and really works well to portray the speaker's feelings. It DOES mention being unclouded by rain, and I kind of wish the poem made more sense of what that means. Is this person usually clouded by rain, is the SPEAKER'S heart usually clouded by rain?

The middle section has some really neat images as well, but it doesn't have as much imagery. It feels more like a list of facts about this person and doesn't really do much for me except ooh and ahh over your clever use of vocabulary. You could really dive into these pictures more and, thus, lengthen this piece. Expand the gem metaphor to convince me as the reader that this person really is a priceless and unflawed gem, prove to me they have a magnificent future with so much opportunity. It was REALLY neat that this section started out with a reference to the sunshine soul, but we don't see that again either.

The last part leaves this pretty open-ended, but I like where it's going. I love that it ties back to the heart and how it craved this person, but I'd have liked to see a tie back to the sunshine or the speaker's soul, too, since we lose that metaphor otherwise. There's also another opportunity to lengthen this piece by the way the speaker expresses how they'd be otherwise bereft and depraved. How so?! Perhaps this is the opportunity to tie back to the eternal sunshine, how a flower requires the sun to bloom its best!

This is a beautiful start and the message is very much clear. You have a great sense of your theme already, and that's incredibly important. It will make editing much easier when you know the direction you're going. You have lots of great images and potential metaphors here, so just tying it altogether more with your theme and, therefore, expressing a little more emotion the reader can relate to will make this even more powerful and gut-punching romantic.

Well done! Keep writing!!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Hi Pan! It's Ink, and it's awhile since I reviewed or wrote poetry, so please take this with a grain of salt!

I like your word choice a lot. I think it feels very suitable for a more sentimental love poem like this. It makes the tone heightened and a little more formal, a bit like a love song someone might sing under a lover's window (yes, yes I am a romantic ) What I wouldn't mind is a little more imagery that makes the images more 'concrete'. My favorite types of poems are the one that not only convey strong emotion, but convey it in something I can feel and ache (or feel joy) over.

I noticed some lovely rhyming in two of the last three lines. I wouldn't mind if more showed up in the previous lines. At the same time though rhyming could make poems sound cheesy and all - though admittedly if it's tastefully done it becomes wonderful. One thing that bothered me though was the fact that the lines didn't seem to flow very well to me. I know that lack of punctuation is very much a poetic choice, but in this case I wouldn't have minded a comma or a period for a "breather", so to speak. Or maybe you could try reading it aloud and fixing where it trips up.

Anyway, this poem was a sweet read, and I'm glad I gave it a look! Let me know if there's something you need!

-Ink