It was a terrible day
A punishment from the teacher
Along with a fight with friends
The volcano, though, had erupted
When at home, mom saw her test results
Cursing uncontrollably, from all the pain
Claire turned to the one person
Whose attention she wanted to gain
"Today's day was such a bummer!"
She texted Dianne, her best friend
"Well, I bet tomorrow's won't be!" she replied
And a small smile etched Claire's face
At such an obvious advice
The next day in school, there was an assembly
students gathered like a flock of sheep
Claire felt lighter, went around to friends and foes
Laughed, talked, threatened, sneered
She was a popular girl after all
In the midst of it all, Dianne struggled to reach her
Something was wrong, in her face one could see
But Claire, she was deaf and blind to Dianne's attempts
So Dianne carried on, she could understand
Claire saw her crush with another girl
Her smile turned to a frown
To top it off, she lost a pop quiz in class
Disgruntled, she went home
Home, where her parents were not very keen to listen to her
She got grounded, but had only one person in her mind
Annoyed, she called Dianne
And said everything that bothered her in her life
Little did she know, it wasn't just her
But she went on like a draining radio
Dianne listened, and talked, and made her laugh
But just as she was about to say something she really wanted to
The line disconnected suddenly
Claire apparently had another incoming call
From the boy she had a crush on
So Dianne carried on, she could understand
The next day Claire had a bad argument with her mom
In school her foes won in the basketball game
Her crush was just another boy who played her, she understood
Crying, this time, she ran to Dianne
Who was lost in plain deep thoughts of despair
And out came streams of thoughts
From her fountain of a brain
But Dianne waved it off, she had a lot going on
Claire thought of it as rude, she shouted at her
Called her selfish, mean, a bad friend
Dianne ran away, wiping off a tear
She had lost her pet dog last night
Did she always have to console Claire?
When she didn't even get one drop
From Claire's jar of care
She was like any other everyday object to her
Which she used, and forgot about
Not once did Claire bother to ask
Why she had hung her face
This time Dianne didn't carry on, she didn't understand
The next day in school, Claire had an accident
She had fallen from the stairs, after being pushed by a foe
But when she turned to look for the one person she wanted
Dianne was there no more
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
I love this!
This is a great poem - you really explore the value of friendship and the different motions that it goes through. I love the language and imagery that you've used - you feel as though you're there and immersed within Claire and Dianne's situation, so well done. As 1234 pointed out below, the only things which you really need to take into account for improvement is simply grammatical errors - I have no other additional suggestions for refining and editing. I'm sure if you shared this poem on other writer forums, people would be able to appreciate and see your natural writing talent and how you show vast potential as a writer. Keep writing
Thankyou
ok. as you asked for the grammatical errors, let's come to it first. there are a few errors I could point out-
there will be a space before from.
a comma after face.
no comma after grounded
a comma after the boy.
eve
comma after school.
i think every day should be everyday. this is one of the mistakes you keep on making, why I also don't understand.
put a 'the' before next day.
that's all. i can't find any more. whatever, your poem is really beautiful. it really portrays the importance of friendship. really, there are people who use us. when they don't need us anymore, they throw us but the good thing is time teaches them which your poem also portrays.
hope I have helped you. pls review the chapters of my novel
This is really reflective poetry, in some ways, morbid but beautiful. It really made me think of the value of friendship.
I loved the line 'when she didn't get even one drop from Claire's jar of tears'
The way it's composed reminds me of a story, and though there was not much rhyme, it all syncs and has a nice rhythm to it.
'Cursing uncontrollably,from all the pain' With this line, I think that there needs to be a gap in between the comma and the from, but it's not that important- it doesn't extract any of the meaning from the poetry.
Enjoyed reading this:)
Thanks a lot