Oh dear friend, I want you to know
That with you, I might often become sore
We will have fights, I'll say stupid things sometimes
But I'll stand by you, no matter where you go
I might roast you, but later I'll realise
I had said harsh words, without noticing your inner cries
But I beg you please don't judge, I might have said too much
Remember, a friendship with secrets is a friendship that dies
So, I want you to be honest with me
I know it's hard, but it's better to come clean
Rather than keeping it in your heart, right from the start
I might feel a bit bad, but I will surely agree
The day we talk, and pour everything out
We will feel better, without a doubt
Because if we make it toxic, and from inside we will feel sick
And will lose each other in a poisonous cloud
Let me remind you, we are both immature
So when you feel it's over, don't be so sure
The next day we'll be together, our heads light as a feather
Laughing and laughing, our hearts totally pure
So let me sum this up for you
If someone else hurts you, they are screwed
I'll keep in mind what you said, but I'll still eat your head😜
For as long as our friendship remains true..
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hello. Via back with another review! By the way, just saw your profile! A warm and happy welcome to Youth Writer's Society! I hope you enjoy your stay here! So let's get started.
First and foremost, I love that you wrote an apology with a poem. That's something I used to do. This poem actually shows a lot of self awareness and accountability on your part. Friendship is hard and holding grudges can cause friendships to break. I love that you admit some things on your part, playing the blame game always makes it worse. By admitting your faults, you show a lot of maturity and growth. So kudos to you!
Like your other poems, you always have the message bright and clear. You don't cloud it with unnecessary intricate vocabulary or images. It's simple and concise, which is perfect for the theme. This poem is tooth achingly sweet, it's almost ridiculous. I swear if this was cookie, I'd get a cavity.
My favorite line is
Simple and to the point metaphor. Great job with that.
My only critiques are unlike your previous works, the rhyme scheme here is inconsistent. Sometimes that's okay, but here, this might be a personal preference, or just me being picky, but it kind of takes away from the message. It starts off with ABCB but then it stops occasionally. Something you just have to look at. Another thing is your sentences occasionally do get a little wordy, like your others. Every poet has there specific troubles, like mine is grammar and over complicating things. Usually it's very hard as a young poet to edit things down. That's something that will eventually come to you, just be patient. Read your poems out loud and you'll see what I mean.
For example
,
and
Lastly, punctuation and grammar wise, it might just be a pet peeve of mine, but auto capitalization is a problem. I don't like when new lines that are a part of sentence are capitalized. The lack of periods might just be a preference for you, but maybe it would help with the flow of the poem if you look into it. The emojii at the end also to me is unnecessary. That just might be a preference, but if you really want it there, then that's up to you. Finally, try not the start a sentence or line with the word "but". I've found from experience that taking away the word actually really helps.
Overall, great job! Sorry if this was too long or anything. This poem is very heartfelt, well thought out, and sweet. It was very straight foward and bluntly to the point, which is perfect for the theme. I hope you and your friend are better now. In the end, healthy resolved conflicts strengthen a relationship. Keep up with the writing!
I really liked the fact that you wrote such a big review for me. I will take care about what you have said. Yes I know my rhyme scheme is inconsistent in this one, I realised it a bit later. And thanks for all your reviews about my other poems too.
Hello there Nightingale06!
My name is Elinor. I see you're new here, and I wanted to extend you the warmest welcome to YWS. I hope you're enjoying your time here thusfar.
I thought this poem was sweet, and the fact that you wrote it for your friend after the two of you had a fight shows that you really care about them.
As I was reading this, I was wondering why you decided to write this as a poem rather than a letter. I enjoyed it as a poem, and thought it was a creative choice, I was just curious as to whether or not there was something behind it. I also wasn't sure if you wanted this to have a rhyme scheme or not since some lines rhymed but others didn't.
I don't have much else to critique, but this line stood out of me:
Usually roasting means to criticize someone in a humorous way. That may have been what you meant here: sometimes you're joking around, your friend's feelings are hurt? Maybe this could be clarified.
Overall, I didn't find too much else to critique here. You did a great job with this and I'm excited to see what else you write!
All the best,
Elinor
Thanks a lot! Yes my rhyme scheme is a bit rusty maybe cos I got carried away. It's a bit irregular. Will look into it.
Hello! ^^
{That with you, I might often become sore}
When I think of the word -sore- I think of someone who has overworked themselves doing physical activity like exercise. The term does have other meanings, but my first thought wasn't what you were intending, I think.
I feel the same way about {I might roast you, but later I'll realise} because the word -roast- feels almost childish? Over the internet, you might call someone a mean word and say you roasted them, but I can't imagine that happening outside of the net. You could -joke- about all of that, but -roast- doesn't seem to work for me.
{without noticing your inner cries}
This is from personal experience, so it could change from person to person. I don't think inner cries are meant to be noticed by other people, and that's why they are -inner- instead of external ones. I see the point of that line, though.
{a friendship with secrets is a friendship that dies}
This is a bit subjective, isn't it? I can't entirely agree. I wouldn't tell my friends every bit of my life because I value my person. I don't think you should get rid of that line, but please understand that some people have other opinions on the matter.
{I'll keep in mind what you said, but I'll still eat your head😜}
This feels different from the rest of the poem. It's light and joke-toned, and I'm not sure it works with this. The subject feels almost sad, and this kind of deletes all traces of that in my own opinion. This might be a nitpick though.
Also, I'd say don't use emojis in poetry for self-evident reasons. It's the poet's choice on that, though, but I feel it gets rid of a lot of meaning that was building up from the emotion and the meaning in general.
I liked this, though. I've been through some fights with friends who are close to me. Some have been my fault, and I messed up and didn't take the blame for it all. Some have been the other person who did that exact thing mentioned above.
Thanks for the excellent read!
wolfy
*Favorite line -
{But I beg you please don't judge, I might have said too much}
I understand your opinions and respect them........but I don't entirely mean people should tell every bit of their lives to others......the thing is, speaking of experience, I don't like it when people have something to say about ME and instead of being honest they hide it. If they are close, I feel they should tell me if they feel I am wrong. I meant inner cries in the ways that if I am doing something that affects them badly, they should tell me about it so i can improve myself. That's what friends do right? If they are my besties they will want me to improve, and if they are not they will hide it.
I forgot to mention this one was for my best friend, so I feel it's okay to write that.
Plus the word roast was used intentionally because my fight was related because of something directly related to it.
And I wrote "eat your head" on purpose too. This poem was not to express something very sad and emotional. It was just something real that I felt. And I wrote it to in a way, make her understand and admit my mistake. So that's why.
But I still thank you a lot for taking out your time and giving a review. I will keep what you said in mind too.
Hi,
Wow this is a truly beautiful poem. I love the emotions and imagery that you've used. It truly captures the dimensions and feeling of a friendship.
To be honest I don't have any suggestions of improvements, it's a really great poem so just keep it as It is